The Office Season 8 Episode 1

For God's sake.

Planking is a very stupid and dangerous trend. Basically, you lie like a plank in a weird places. Sometimes you get run over. Welcome to the internet.

Planking is basically one of those things where, hey, you either got it or don't. And I don't but I'm so excited to be a part of it.

After you good sir/No, I insist.

The search committee finally decided after a lot of deliberation on Robert California for the maniger position

who took one look around and left. He drove down to Florida and convince Joe to make him CEO..CEO..her own job.

He talked her out of someone's job. I don't really know how someone does that.

But anyway, then the position was his to fill, then he chose~~!!

It's unbelievable. True, I may have been the second choice. But I was the first choice's first choice.

And about Dwight, I sensed that he might have some resentment about not getting the job.

So, I sat him down and we had a talk. I told him. I need a really strong Number two. I want you to be my enforcer. Smart, right?

Very smart.

This is got to stop.

I can't get down.

Kevin!! Yeah, At first, I was really disappointed but I've got a great daily routine going right now.

I have upped my Karate to 8 times a week, I've added a boxing, lunches on weekends. I do kickboxing 3 times a week.

krav maga 4 times a week. An hour of meditation every morning at a sunrise and again at sunset. so yeah, I'm doing great.

I don't think I should/ Oh, yeah pregnant./ Right, here little Micheal Scott/ No, I told you I don't like that joke.

It is a boy. We found out early/ Much different the second time around, and I have to say it is nice not being the only pregnant woman only in the office.

Look, It's a little pregs and big pregs./ Wait, When did we start calling that./ Isn't it amazing the difference in our sizes?

Well, I'm a few months ahead of you./ I'm having a child with my husband, the Senator and Pam is having a child with Jim. The great salesman.

Hoist him aloft. Come on. Lift!!

Yeah, I wanted the manager job. But it got a something much better. This soda, It's mine.

It might be easy if you take a deep breath, lift from your knees and shove it up your butt. I came up with a new things this summer.

I act like telling someone how to do something. I go on a long description and then I say, 'shove it up your butt.' It's stupid but It's my thing now.

No one should be planking at all!

Thank you. Yes. Dwight, my enforcer, my number two. Can you take care of this./Say no more!

Kids! Don't try planking. It's dangerous. Especially with me around.

--------------Opening------------

Are you watching that commercial again? Why do you keep watching it if you know you are just going to make you cry?

Everything makes me cry. So what's the difference? This dog, he just wants to protect his bone.

He's got a bank vault ball that's a start./ Not enough, though!/ All right.

The CEO works out of the conference room about half the time but whenever he takes a break, he does these weird wolks around the office.

And you never know who he's gonna zero in on for these is really intense talk. You just hope it's not you and yet you hope if it is you too, it's strange.

Here we go./ Hello./ Robert California, Let's have a conversation./Describe your day so far?/ well, I woke up.

When you recount your day, never say you wake up. That's waste of your time. That's how everyday has begun for everyone since the dawn of man.

Very smart, very smart. Suddenly I was awake.

Hey, Robert. We have that 9:30 AM casual chitchat scheduled. I mailed you about it last time to confirm and again this morning.

First item on the agenda, can I get everyone an extra-long colombus weekend. Item number 2 connect with the guy.

What does he thinking of me. Don't know, super care. Number 3, time permitting we lost our biggest client.

Pam! Pam! / Jim! / Can I call you right back? Thank you very much. Okay, What is this?

The friday before Colombus day. Thoughts? / What is your thoughts? / Just making chitchat, kind of midium year for woman's soccer, you know.

What are you looking at? / It's nothing/ It can't be nothing! / It's just our names and split into two colums./ What?

Okay, just wait one second. I'll copy it./ Do you have a pen? / No. / I'll take a photo of it. Dwight, Can you throw me my phone?

Nice catch!/ If he comes out, Distract him./ We need a warning signal. / No, We don't need a warning signal Kevin. We can see him right there.

We do./ I promise we don't need warning.../ Warning! warning!/ Are you okay?

What side of the list am I on? / Left/ YEs!/ Why are you..How do you know../

Really great list of names, guys. Thank you so much. Good work. No. That was in Rober's notebook.

He left it at reception and we photocopied it. / I don't want to be any part of this.

Maybe this is a list of people he's going to fire. / Okay, It's not that, Pam. You know I was thinking it reminds me of those lists Dwight used to make.

This is if we were all on a cruise ship, it had to divide into life boats. This is if we were on a cruise, it had divided life rafts.

Here's something. Who would eat who in alive situation. No, that can't be..

I kind of say me, kind of seems like left side's the side to be on, me, Jim, Dwight, No offence Pam / Excuse me?/ Pam, Don't be such a right sider.

Did you guys figure it out? / We couldn't crank it. / Go in there. Just ask the man what it means. / He'll know that we all looked.

That's his private notebook. / Comon, just you say you saw it by accident. / I'm already working on this Comlombus day for you guys . and It's starting to stack up, feels like a lot. One thing at a time.

That's all you had to do today is ask about Colombus day? / Yes, for God's sake, Andy, come in.

What's up? weird thing, totally akward. but you left your notebook on the reception desk and it was opened. People saw this and they are just kind of going like nuts and..wondering what it is.

What is it? / It's a photo copy from your notebook. / You read my notebook and photocopied it and distributed it? / No. They did. and they asked me to ask about it.

Please. Here's what it is. It's a doodle. / What? / Some people doodle at work when let their minds run. They draw houses, penusis. Funny how the houses always colonials, penis's always circumcized. Don't you think?

Well, I doodle too. I'm not an artist. so I draw words and lists. / That is fascinating. By the way, I'm so glad I asked. People were sort of..Did you just move name?

Might as well have been sketching a cube.

Okay, Robert's in the annex, Everybody think quick! What did these groups have in common?

Maybe, we are supposed to do with people in our group./ That's not it. / people in the other group?/ hmm, still wrong.

Stanly, you do puzzles, what have we got? / You talk the first letter from each name, assigned it a number and add them all up and shove it your butt!

Thank you, a little much needed for comic relief. but we really needed to figure out this, guys.

I know it's alphabetical. / No, It's not. / Here's how we find out. Line up and compare the line to see if we learn anything. left siders are over here, right sider line up over here your face each other.

match up by height and relative weight. Let's just size up each other here and left side of the list attack!!

Will you stop?

Warining! warning! / I'd like to invite the following people to join me for lunch. / That's great. Let's do this guys.

All right, I will see you in a bit. / I love you so much / Hey, It's nothing alright? I'll text you When we get there

and let you know what's going on. No dog video. / We should all be really excited about our very o주 Pizza party.

Jim, your daughter Ceceilia, what do you think of the street? / The street? / Sesemi street / She likes it a lot. She loves elmo./ God save us--The elmo era.

Sesemi street was created to reflect the environment of the children watching it. complete self absorvation of elmo is brillian reflect of our time.

Ours is cultural getto. Wouldn't you agree? / YEs, she does like Elmo.

Cultural getto? toally agreed. The thing that I like the most about Elmo is the tickling./ I should not be here. I was in the wrong. Just picture me back there. I was never here.

Great group, Pizza party./ How is it the pizza party? / Why don't you ask again when the five pizzas get here

Well, It's just pizza. You need at least one other element for it to be a party./ If you guys have Margarita pizza? / What's that?

Fresh pizza with a dollop of mozzallela cheeze. / That's pizza. / It's regular pizza.

You know I feel more comfortable enough now if I ask this question. What made you pick this group.

I just think you guys are winner. and I want to have lunch with you.

What about the other quys? / Losers? / I don't know / Come on / I guess they are losers./ I knew it.

I shouldn't have said that.

HAha, Their intepretation of the pizza. Fans of classic pizza will be phyched.

Oh, Text from Jim. This is getting weird, will explain later. Oh, Text from Kevin. / Suck it losers.

So, not to point out the glaringly obvious but doesn't the fact that I'm in this group make anyone just feel a little bit better? Oh, this crust is sharp!

I used to young and cute, sort of funny, and I could do those cute little cartoons. and everyone who came though here is like 'who's that receptionist? I like her. Now I'm just a fat mom. Yeah, You take one look at me and you're like a 'loser'

Come here Pam. Chins up okay? Bad joke. Look around this room. Does this look like a group of losers? Seriously. / Oh, god!

Oh, I had so much fun. We had pizza. We all hung out and got to know eachother better. How was your lunch? / It was excellent.

Yes we did. It was the best time. and you know what? Now It's over. back to work everyone! You too andy.

I knew it. I just my whole life that everyone was wrong about me, my parents, my teachers, my friends, the doctors, and everyone.

That wasn't certainly an odd lunch. Is everything all right? / Yes fine.

When I was a salesman, 'Not my job, not my prob, I'm going to the warehouse polishing my knob. Metaphorically.

But now, It is my job. It's my prob.

Hey, Robert. Can you come out here please. It's really importan t.

I just wanted to clearify something. Some people are here under the misconception that some people may be considered, let's say, top tier, and others would be second tier.

I never said that. / Thank you, great. / I said winners and Losers. Is that what you are talking about? / Oh, that might be what I'm thinking of. Can you clearify that?

Let me tell something that I find productive. Positive reenforcement and negative reenforement. Honestly, I tell you some things that I find unproductive.

constantly worring about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues and then inevitably reflaming it at all in a reassuring ways so you can get to sleep at night.

No, I do not believe in that at all. 

If I invited you to lunch, I think you are a winner. If I didn't, I doubt but I just met you all. Life is long, Opinion's change.

Winners prove me right, losers prove me wrong.

I guess that's that. / No..No no. / Andy, Don't go in there/ I'm going in there

I know that everytime I talk to you, things just seems to get worse. but you don't know these people then I do.

ANd if I let you work with faulty information, well, I'm not doing my job as a regional manager. So, Please take this pen and change your list.

I'm not going to change my list Andy. I don't use ballpoint pens.

Well, I will make a new list for you. / Stanly, You may think he's lazy grump. Did you know that he is the most consistly high sales numbers of anyone in this office?

And you may think he's hard to love. but did you know he's in not one but two long term romantic relationships.

I did not know about the sales figures. / Meridith, supplier relations, The word "no", not even her vocabulary.

And just to show you that I'm being fair, You had Gave in the loser colum, I think that is astute. Good calling.

Pam, easily, the most creative and kind person I've ever worked with. / Jim, shut the door. This is gross.

Erin, the receptinst and my closest confidant, a winner if there ever was one / I like my group. I liked my old group.

Are we done? / Yes..No. The friday before Colombus day. We are going to take a half day so that everyone can get a jump on the long weekend.

You want to have a three and a half day for Colombus day?  / Yes, I do. / And you are aware that Colombus and his legions committed genocide against the entire civilizaion of native Americans.

I don't care. / Hey guys, so columbus day, we got that half day on Friday. / We get that every year. / Well, you got it this year, too.

Good night, Andy.

I'm going to go warm up the car./ Jim, you dropped something! Okay, I've been crying easily today but I mean that's just a pretty killer. I mean, maybe it's stupid. no, It's wonderful. I'm gonna flame it. 

I can always unframe.