I'm always thinking about suicide.

I want to be like a computer which can be off when you hit the power button when I fall asleep. I'm not afraid to be dead forever because I don't like this world full of hate and bluff. But I'm scared of the pain just when I'd kill myself like hanging, throwing myself into the ground from a high spot. Someone says 'You can live the life with your willingness to die'. I want to snap at them that I don't have the courage to live!!! 

Yes, I'm hopeless. People would say there are lots of things to see and enjoy. You will miss out on every beautiful things going on. Will there really be those things? I don't see those that amaze me. I've only seen people destroying people and bragging about how a wonderful life they are living. But those of things to see and enjoy seem nothing to me. 

Why do I go to work? Just to live? I don't want to live. Because of my family? I adore my father and my brother but it is too hard to resist to end my life. I want to at least feel nothing when I'm done my life. 

I just spend days only breathing. I heard about news that one dutch scientist manufactured a device that helps kill a person right away. When you go inside the device, you will die of inhaling nitrogen. So your life can be done without any pain. Some of pains might be felt but I guess it is just nothing compared to hitting your head to the ground when you try to kill yourself. 

Why do people oppose helping the suicide? I want to die. I have a right to die. I want them to allow people like me to be helped by those devices. But the governments want to take taxes from people so they don't allow those things to happen. Rich people don't want that, either because they would feel less happy when there are less people living below them. 

The only ways to end this life are just to try harder ones that I just mentioned above. Still I'm so scared. If there is really GOD, PLEASE LET ME DIE WHILE SLEEPING.