오피스 시즌 9 - 피날레 대본 Part Ⅰ

Season 9 - Episode 24
"Finale" 
Written by Greg Daniels 
Directed by Ken Kwapis 
Original Air Date: May 16, 2013 
Transcribed by Jason Cagle

 

Dwight: The documentary series finished airing ages ago. Why is PBS sending another crew? 
Camera
Man: We’re getting bonus footage for the DVD. 
Dwight: pff, Nobody buys DVDs anymore. 
Camera
Man: It’ll be a pledge gift. 
Dwight: PBS. The propaganda wing of Bill and Melinda Gates and viewers like you.

 

Dwight: In the past year, I have consolidated the entire Scranton paper market. We regained the white pages, the school district, Lackawanna county. We supply them all. I’m getting married tomorrow afternoon, and in the morning, there’s a mini-reunion. A kind of a “where are they now” panel at a local theatre. It’ll be nice to see everyone again. [laughs] I haven’t seen Kevin since we let him go.

 

Dwight: [mimicking trumpet] Today marks several important milestones. Stanley, as you know, is retiring. 
Kevin: Yes! Whoo, whoo, whoo! 
Stanley: Ah, I’ve been looking forward to this day since I was 18 years old. 
Meredith: Speech! 
Dwight: No! And our next and most thickly frosted cake is…for…Kevin. 
Kevin: Yes! Wait, why? 
Dwight: Go ahead and just read the frosting. 
Kevin: “Get out.” 
Dwight: Uh-huh. 
Kevin: What does that mean? 
Dwight: It’s a colloquial way of saying “you’re fired,” Kevin, which you are. 
Pam: What? Dwight, you can’t do that. 
Dwight: The cake has spoken Pam. Sorry. 
All: What?! 
Dwight: Well if anyone here can make a case for Kevin staying. 
All: Dwight…[overlapping objections] 
Dwight: Based…on his merit. 
Oscar: Ooh. 
Jim: Umm…. 
Kevin: I’m…good. 
Pam: Well, Toby will stop it. Anytime anyone’s ever been fired, Toby’s blocked it, so… 
Toby: Yeah. Yeah, I don’t think… 
Dwight: Toby, wait. Wait. Hold that thought. Here’s your cake. [squirts frosting on the top] Bye, bye Toby. 
Kevin: [crying] At least I got chocolate.

 

Jim: I bike to work now. Saves on gas, cheaper than a vasectomy and, uh, oh, yeah, it’s good for the environment too.

 

Jim: Pam and I are great. She just recently finished her mural for the Irish cultural center.

 

Crowd: Whoo! Yeah 
Jim: [to Cici] Can you clap! Can you clap for mom?

 

Jim: And Dwight is imitating Japanese business practices for reasons he explained to us in Japanese.

 

Pam: [whispering] Angela, are you ready for the wedding? 
Angela: [whispering] Yes. My heart is so open, I am so at peace. [scoffs] Look at Meredith. She’s disgusting. Those feet. They’re like the paws of an orangutan. 
Pam: I think she looks good. Now that she’s wearing sports bras, we don’t see her boobs as much. 
Dwight: That is all. Have a good morning. 
Meredith: Thank you. 
Dwight: [after Angela kisses Dwight] What was that for? 
Angela: [laughing] To remind you that our wedding’s gonna be wonderful. 
Dwight: Ah. I know. It just feels so empty with so many of the old gang gone. 
Angela: D, it’s gonna be perfect. The only people that need to be there are you and me. 
Dwight: Oh, and the old man to feed us the cheese that he’s been fermenting since the day of my birth. You keep forgetting about him. 
Angela: I don’t…I don’t know why.

 

Dwight: I brought in some new faces, and one old. I always like Devon. I hired him back after Creed faked his own death in the baler the day after the doc aired. The only person he fooled was Kevin. Then the police showed up. Turns out, Creed was in the band “The Grass Roots” in the 1960’s. During that time, the police say he sold drugs and trafficked in endangered species meat and stole weapons-grade LSD from the military.

 

Phyllis: Oh, some fudge? 
Malcolm: Oh, thanks. I love your fudge. 
Phyllis: Thanks. 
Malcolm: I think I gained a couple of pounds since I got here. 
Phyllis: [laughing] Oh, you can afford it.

 

Phyllis: After 16 years, it’s strange sitting across from somebody who isn’t Stanley. But…he’ll get there.

 

Jim: Okay, the limo’s gonna be here at five. I need everybody to be ready ‘cause I want to pack in a lot. 
Zeke: Party time! Whorehouse! 
Jim: Uh, no. No whorehouse. This is Dwight’s night, okay? 
Zeke: Well, you’re the bestisch mensch.

 

Jim: Dwight has made me his bestisch mensch. Which is Schrute for best man. He’s putting himself entirely in my hands tonight. And I know for over 12 years I’ve done nothing but trick and prank him but tonight…only good surprises. “Guten Pranken”. [chuckles]

 

Dwight: Oh hey, Jim. I forgot to mention. Oftentimes, in Hollywood portrayals of bachelor parties, there are accidental murders. That won’t be necessary tonight. 
Clark: Great, now we got three hours to fill. 
Jim: Okay, hold on. Are you sure Mose isn’t going to show up? 
Dwight: Ever since Angela moved in and Mose had to stop sleeping at the foot of my bed, he’s been acting pretty weird about this whole wedding thing. 
Jim: Mose has been weird? That’s so unlike him.

 

Andy: Yeah, sure, I’ll talk about it. Why not? American’s next A Cappella Sensation aired my audition. And when I started sobbing uncontrollably, apparently that struck a chord with quite a lot of people. Not a very compassionate chord. The clip went viral, as they say

 

[on computer] 
Casey Dean: You can’t just sit here and cry. 
Andy: Oh, I can so just sit here and cry!

 

Andy: Two million hits in the first week and then the parodies started. One from the Philippines got 12 million hits. And the late night comedy guys had a field day with it.

 

[SNL Weekend Update] 
Bill Hader: [fake crying] 
Seth Mayers: Oh, Don’t. Aw, come on, Baby Wawa. Don’t be such a baby. 
Bill Hader: [crying and pouring eye drops in his eyes] 
Seth Mayers: Oh, No. It’s gonna be alright. 
Bill Hader: [pulling multiple tissues out] 
Seth Mayers: It’s gonna be all right. For Weekend Update I’m Seth Meyers. That’s Baby Wawa. Good night. 
Bill Hader: [still crying] Bye!

 

Andy: After my clip blew up, I actually got a call from the double rainbow guy and the fat Star Wars kid. Turns out they have a support group. [pause] Not really my scene.

 

Oscar: [on the phone] Years ago, the senator promised a left turn lane by the Arby’s. So I wanna know where in the name of horsey sauce is it? Well, yeah, you…hold on. 
Dakota: Hi. I keep seeing this symbol in the accounts from last year. It’s..it’s all over the place. I don’t know what it means. 
Oscar: That’s the reason Kevin got fired. It’s his magic number. He used to use it to balance his accounts. He used to call it a Keleven. He told Dwight, [imitating Kevin] “A mistake plus Keleven gets you home by seven.” He was home by 4:45 that day.

 

Nellie: Oh, I live in Poland now. The Scranton of the E.U. Thank you for flying me out here for the weekend. I’m looking forward to the reunion panel tomorrow. Can’t wait to see everyone. Well, almost everyone.

 

Toby: Hello! [laughing] Hello! 
Nellie: Oh. 
Toby: Hi! [goes to hug Nellie] 
Nellie: No. 
Toby: Oh. [laughs nervously] 
Nellie: How did you now my plane had arrived? How long have you been stalking me? 
Toby: Oh, no, no. no. My plane just got in. From New York. Are you still with Piotr? 
Nellie: No. And I thought I unfriended you. 
Toby: Anyone can follow a Twitter feed. Wanna share a cab?

 

Toby: [alone in cab} After Dwight fired me, I moved to New York to write the great American novel. I have six roommates. Heh. Which are better than friends, you know ‘cause they have to give you one month’s notice before they leave.

 

Andy: Hey-OH! 
Meredith: Andy? 
Oscar: You’re back? 
Andy: Yeah. 
Malcolm: [whispering to Phyllis] That’s Baby Wawa, right? Oh, my God! 
Jim: Hey man, good to see you. 
Andy: Thank you. Yeah, 
Phyllis: [hugging Andy]. Andy… 
Andy: Hey! Aw! A bear hug from my favorite mama grizzly. 
Phyllis: Andy, I’ve been worried about you. How are you? 
Andy: A little warm. 
Phyllis: Poor, poor Andy. 
Andy: [struggling] Okay. Aw. Thank you Phyllis. 
Darryl: Hello, hello. 
Jim: Hey! 
Meredith: Darryl! 
Andy: Hey! 
Darryl: Hey, what’s up? 
Andy: Didn’t I just see you at the airport jumping in a limo? 
Darryl: What? Must’ve been another devilishly handsome debonair individual. 
Andy: Hmm. 
Darryl: Hey, man. How are you doing? I, um…I didn’t call ‘cause I figured you changed the number. 
Andy: No I didn’t change the number. All good though. Phone never rings. 
Dwight: What? Ooh! 
Andy: Surprise! 
Dwight: I thought you guys couldn’t come. 
Darryl: Yeah, but then they moved the panel to the same weekend and the Doc crew paid to fly us in. It was kismet.

 

Jim: Kismet? Yeah, right. Pam and I came up with excuses for every other weekend. You remember my two lap band surgeries, right? Neither do I? “Guten Prank” number one.

 

Darryl: You ready for tonight? We gonna tear up the town? 
Dwight: Uh, better ask Jim. 
Jim: And Jim will say nothing. 
Pam: [enters] Darryl! Andy! 
Andy: Hey! Pam! 
Darryl: Hey, Pam! How are you? 
Pam: We’re fine. Yeah. [hugs both Darryl and Andy] And I’m sure that you guys are fine too. Because why wouldn’t you be? 
Andy: Mm-hmm. 
Pam: Darryl, oh, my gosh. How is Austin? Tell me everything. How’s the merger? I feel like I read about Athlead all the time. 
Darryl: I love it. And it’s Athleap now. And the city is amazing. 
Jim: Yeah? 
Darryl: Yeah. Yeah, it’s hot. The music is awesome. And the tacos are…for real. 
Jim: Wow! That sounds incredible. [checking cell phone]. Oh, guys. Limo’s here. Let’s do this. Change if you need to. 
Oscar: Whoo, whoo, whoo. 
Pam: Okay, you guys, have fun. You too, Andy.

 

Oscar: Yeah! 
Andy: Aw! 
Darryl: Woah-Oh! Haven’t been in one of these in forever.

 

Oscar: They wanted me to go to the bachelorette party with the girls. Really? Such a cliché. I’m a man. So I’m going to the bachelor party with the boys. I just have to remember how I acted before I came out.

 

Oscar: WASSUUUUP! [laughing]

 

Dwight: Wait, why are we stopping? Jim, this isn’t on the itinerary. 
Jim: Get out. 
Dwight: Jim…wha… Come on! What…what are you gonna whack me, Jim? 
Jim: No, Dwight. You’ll be doing the whacking. 
Dwight: A bazooka. You remembered. 
Jim: Of course I did. 
Dwight: [tearful laugh]. Get out of my way.

 

All: OH! [all laugh and applaud after Dwight fires the bazooka] 
Dwight: Woo! Okay! 
Jim: Yeah! [to camera] Guten Prank number two.

 

Jim: Private Room. 
Oscar: Yeah, brosef. 
Dwight: Amazing. 
Jim: Enjoy, enjoy. 
Guy: Hey, I know you. Are you gonna sit here and cry? 
Jim: Okay, man, easy. 
Guy: [fake cries] 
Jim: Hey, dude, leave him alone. What are you doing? 
Andy: Jim, it’s fine. He’ll just get you on his cell phone and then that’ll go viral. 
Darryl: That happens a lot? 
Andy: Yeah, I guess. But things are going well actually. I spoke at Cornell during commencement week. I mean, the seniors invited me as a joke but it was a huge success.
Oscar: Well, I bet it was a smash. 
Andy: That’s how I got my new job in the admissions office. 
Oscar: Is that a volunteer program or… 
Andy: No. It’s a job. Things are going great. 
Darryl: Let’s get a drink in you, huh? 
Andy: Yes.

 

Meredith: Whoo-hoo. Let’s get this party started! 
Rachel: Where’s my angel.

 

Angela: This is my big sister Rachel. 
Rachel: No, this is my big sister Angela. 
Angela: [laughs] We’re very close. We even have our own special language.

 

Rachel: [speaks in a special language]

 

Angela: People love it. 
Rachel: They do.

 

Dwight: [sighs] Man, how long have we been sitting here? 
Stripper: Hi, boys! 
All: Ohh… 
Clark: Here we go! 
Dwight: Oh, Thank God. We are famished! 
Stripper: Hey, did somebody order the chef special? 
Darryl: Right there. 
Dwight: No, we haven’t ordered anything. No one’s even taken our drinks. Uh, what is the chef special? [music plays and stripper starts dancing on Dwight] 
Stripper: I bet you boys have a big appetite. 
Dwight: Oh, we do. So we’ll have an onion loaf for the table, please. And tell us about your heartiest soups. 
Stripper: Mm, I know what you want. I know exactly what you want. 
Dwight: Yes, an onion loaf for the table but that’s not all. Now the chef special sounded good. What is it exactly? 
Stripper: Ohh, shh. [places finger over Dwight’s lips] 
Dwight: Okay, what are you doing? Are you giving me a taste of the chef’s special? Tastes like cigarettes. That won’t work. That’s no good.

 

Erin: Whoo! 
Angela: What? [knock at the door] Okay. 
Pam: Oh, boy. 
Erin: Oh! 
Jakey: Heard you guys needed some pipes fixed or cleaned or whatever. 
Phyllis: Angela’s special repairman is here. 
Angela: Wait, what is this? 
Meredith: Shut up. Jakey? 
Jakey: Mom? 
Pam: Wait, wait. What? 
Jakey: Oh, man. 
Meredith: No, no, no, no. Just do your wok. Pretend mom’s not here. 
Pam: Uh, that seems inappropriate. 
Meredith: Give the good show, my little entrepreneur. 
Jakey: Okay. 
Meredith: Take it off. [music play]. Yeah! Good song choice, Jakey. Stripper’s only as good as his song. 
Rachel: oh, wowee wow. 
Angela: Okay… 
Pam: Whoo-hoo…go, Meredith’s stripper son. 
Angela: Rachel, are you all right? 
Rachel: I don’t know! I don’t know. 
Angela: Oh geeze. [Jakey starts dancing on Angela]. Oh, my God! 
Meredith: Be gentle Jakey. Gentle. One second. Just one second. Look. [pushes Jakey aside and starts dancing on Angela] 
Angela: Okay, if anything, this is rougher. Stop it Meredith. 
Meredith: Fine. My bad. Go ahead Jakey. 
Angela: [Jakey resumes dancing] Uh, no. It’s o…thank you. You know what? You don’t have to…oh no, no, no. No, no, no. It’s okay.

 

Dwight: Now, for the last time, I’d like a side salad with balsamic. 
Clark: Dwight, for the last time, she’s not a waitress. 
Dwight: You’re telling me! 
Oscar: If you want her to leave, just tip her. 
Dwight: What for? We haven’t even gotten bread yet. Does anyone wanna split a twice baked potato? [to the dancing stripper] Do you have those? Those aren’t deep fried, right?

 

Angela: That was interesting. [creaking sound] What was that? 
Phyllis: It’s just the wind. 
Angela: Will you lock the door? 
Phyllis: Okay. [opens door] It’s just the wind, see? Nothing. 
Angela: Alright, see, you don’t have to leave the door wide open. We get it. It’s the wind. Just come and shut…[Mose grabs Angela and takes her away] OH! My God! 
All: [screams] 
Erin: Phyllis! 
Rachel: What’s happening?

 

Dwight: Oh, man, never thought I’d say this but I think I ate too much bone marrow. [phone rings] 
Jim: Oh, it’s the girls. Hey Pam. What? Angela’s been kidnapped! Phyllis left the door open and some freak came and grabbed her and fled. 
Dwight: Good old Mose. [laughing] 
Jim: They think it was Mose. 
Dwight: Oh, great. He’s getting into the spirit of the festivities. Fantastic. He just pulled off a Braut Entfuhrung. 
Oscar: What is that? 
Dwight: A ceremonial bridal kidnapping. He will take the bride and hide her at a local pub and when I find the place, I have to buy everyone drinks. Ah, all right! Oh Mose. 
Jim: Wait a minute. You said the tradition is for the groom is search for her and it ends at a pub. So how about the last pub you’d ever set foot in in this town? 
Dwight: Right. Which one is that? 
Jim: Mm, hey driver. Why don’t you take us to 3030 Adams?

 

Jim: Is that Mose? 
Dwight: Yes, it is! I am here for my bride! 
Mose: Well, first, buy us a drink. 
All: If you want your bride, buy us a drink! If you want your bride, buy us a drink. 
Dwight: Very well! Drinks on me! Bartender! [Kevin turns around] Oh. 
Kevin: Well, well, well, well, well, well. That’s six “wells.” Did I get that number right, Dwight? 
Dwight: I heard you bought a bar, Kevin. 
Kevin: Yes. I did. This one. Now get out! 
Dwight: [to Mose] Why did you pick this place? [Mose points to Jim] 
Jim: Ooh. 
Dwight: You? You did this as a prank. My own Bestich Mensch. 
Jim: Nope, not a prank. I think it’s time for you to bury the hatchet. 
Dwight: Waste of a good hatchet. 
Jim: Okay, just talk. 
Kevin: Well, w… 
Dwight: I heard you say “well” the first time.

 

Jim: I know Dwight misses Kevin. I saw him make his portrait out of a Wooly Willy. Tomorrow’s his wedding day. You can’t be anything but happy on your wedding day.

 

Dwight: It was nothing personal. It’s just that you were terrible at your job. 
Kevin: You’re just saying that to make me feel better. 
Dwight: No really. You were terrible at math and organization, time management, personal hygiene. Your internet searches were so filthy we had to throw our your computer. 
Kevin: Is that all it was? 
Dwight: That’s it. 
Kevin: Come here [hugs Dwight] 
Dwight: I missed you Kevin. 
Kevin: I missed you! 
Dwight: Ohh.

 

Mose: Guten Prank. 
Jim: Yes, Mose. Guten Prank number three.

 

Dwight: You’ve had your drink. Now where is my bride?

 

Dwight: Mose! What..ooh, Mose. [Mose opens trunk] 
Angela: What the [bleep] is your problem you [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]?!

 

Jim: Hey. Hey, is Angela coming or… 
Dwight: No. We can’t see each other on our wedding day. And her legs are still numb from being in the trunk. 
Jim: Right. 
Stanley: Hey guys. 
All: Stanley! 
Erin: How’s Florida? 
Stanley: Oh, great.

 

Stanley: Yes, I’m living in Florida now. Little town called Florida City, just on the edge of the everglades. The man who delivered my divorce papers came by fan boat which was kinda fun. I sit on my porch all day, carving birds.

 

Jim: Am I the only one that’s nervous? How are you doing with this? Should we have bailed? 
Pam: No, no, I’m fine. 
Jim: Doesn’t seem like anyone cares about us anyway. 
Stanley: I guess this was work being filmed nonstop for nine years. 
Andy: I’m sorry guys. This is probably on me. I got hated on pretty hard when that auto-tune went viral.

 

[video] Just sit here and cry, just sit here and cry! Oh I can so just sit here and cry. You guys are really mean. It can’t end like this you know. Slept in my car last night, quit my job. Burned all my bridges. And I did unspeakable things – You’re just not good, you’re just not good. – Are you insane? – You’re just not good, you’re just not good. – Chill out! [crying] Just sit here and cry…

 

Kevin: [watching at his bar] People actually dance to this. It’s in my juke box. None of the money goes to Andy though.

 

Kevin: [laughing] Yeah, people hate you. 
Andy: I’ll go talk to the manager. Maybe we should just go home. [walks down the hall]

 

Man: Hey! It’s Andy Bernard! 
All: Nard Dog! [cheers and claps] Ree-De-De-De-Doo! [repeats] 
Andy: Ree-De-De-De-Doo!