오피스 시즌 9 - 8화 대본

Season 9 - Episode 8 
"The Target" 
Written by Graham Wagner 
Directed by Brent Forreste 
Original Air Date: November 29, 2012 
Transcribed by Erica

 

Oscar: Yesterday, Angela may or may not have figured out that I’m having an affair with her husband. So I just have to wait and see. When she comes in, if she’s cold and awkward and cruel to me, then great, it’s business as usual.

 

Oscar: Good morning. [clears throat] 
Angela: Oscar... [sighs] can I ask you a question? 
Oscar: [whispering] Of course, ask me a que--  questions. 
Angela: Is it cool in here to you? 
Oscar: [hoarsely] Yes, a little bit. [normal voice] Yes. 
Angela: I think the thermostat is acting up again. 
Oscar: It’s the stupid thermostat! That thing is a catastrophe. So I’m gonna, um, on your suggestion, get someone to fix it. I’ll just go downstairs. 
Angela: Thank you. 
Oscar: No, thank you, Angela.

 

Oscar: She doesn’t know. I shouldn’t be surprised. This is a woman who married a man who is obviously a homosexual. Basically, she has her head in the sand. In a way I feel sorry for her. I guess the universe rewards true love.

 

Dwight: Well, well, well, it’s finally happened. Pam has ceased caring. 
Pam: These are my painting clothes.I think I’m gonna do it. I am really gonna start painting the warehouse mural today. [Jim applauds] 
Meredith: Sure you don’t want to put another coat of primer on that Pam?Queen of the primer, that one. 
Jim: You got this, Beesley. Actually, do you want me to come down and help you get started? 
Pam: Are you avoiding your phone call? 
Jim: What? Yeah, right. As if.

 

Jim: Today I will be asking David Wallace if I can start working part-time, because the sports marketing company that I started really needs me to be there. 
Pam: Last week Jim wasn’t there, and they named the company Athlead. 
Jim: I could have prevented that. So I have to talk to Wallace. 
Pam: Tell them your opening line. 
Jim: [sighs] Hey David, how would you like a guy who’s not here as much, gets paid the same amount of salary, and has bigger fish to fry in Philadelphia? 
Pam: I think it’s good. He likes fishing. 
Jim: This is gonna be awful.

 

Pete: One of my jobs is to input customer complaints into the computer. And when they’re in, I fill out one of these cards. But the information’s already on the computer, so....why am I filling out the card? I asked Andy, and he told me to “chillax,” and then went away on a big, long boat ride. So here we are. Don’t give me a pointless office chore, because I will build a little paper house.  Fight the power.

 

Angela: Meet me in the old place, five minutes. I need you.

 

Angela: [upon seeing Dwight naked] Ugh! 
Dwight: Come on in, the water’s fine. 
Angela: Dwight, it’s not that kind of meeting. Put your clothes back on. 
Dwight: I know. That’s not why I’m naked. I always work out without my clothes. [does jumping jacks] 
Angela: Just put them on! Put on your clothes. I need your help. I need someone who can operate outside of the law. Ugh. 

Dwight: Oh, I’m sorry, your vigilante privileges ended when you broke up with me. If I’m not in your panties, I don’t go vigilantes. Why don’t you ask your husband? 
Angela: My marriage is in danger. I don’t know who I can trust. I need someone to be there for me. 
Dwight: [sighs] All right, what are we talking? Surveillance, wire-tapping? 
Angela:  Something like that. 
Dwight: Yeah, the less I know, the better. I know just the guy. He was a volunteer sheriff too. Kicked off the force. 
Angela: Can you arrange a meeting? 
Dwight: I can try. I’m gonna use SMS text. 
Angela: Okay. 
Dwight: Text went through. 
Angela: Okay. 
Dwight: All we can do is sit and wait. 
Angela: Okay. 
Dwight: [phone vibrates] Oh, look at that. Yeah, he’s free anytime. Not a problem.

 

Jim: I mean, I can handle any client issues from Philly. 
David: [on phone] Yeah, but I really need someone in the office. If there’s a crisis -- the more I think about it -- 
Jim: Oh, you mean handle it in person. Oh, well, Phyllis and Stanley have agree to cover for me while I’m gone. 
David: They did? 
Jim: Yep. 
David: Oh, okay. Well, that is different. In that case, yes-- Maybe this can work. 
Jim: Oh, great.

 

Stanley: Why should we help you? 
Jim: Because we’re friends. 
Stanley: When is my birthday? 
Jim: Unfair. When’s my birthday? 
Stanley: I don’t know, because we’re not friends. 
Jim: How about this-- You let me take you to lunch, and I make my case? 
Stanley: Now we’re talkin’. 
Jim: All right. 
Phyllis: Yeah.

 

Kevin: Make it go taller. 
Pete: That’s the idea. 
Kevin: No, not taller this way, taller this way. [gesturing with hands] 
Pete: Well, I’ve gotta build a wider base first before I can go higher. 
Kevin: You’re not getting this, Peter.  Make it go wider... up! 
Pete: Will do. 
Darryl: [entering] What are y’all doing? 
Kevin: Me and Pete are building a tower. 
Darryl: Cool. It should be taller though, right? 
Kevin: Obviously. He’s a sweet kid, Darryl. But he’s not the sharpest guy in the drawer. 
Pete: Kevin, I can hear you. 
Kevin: Huh?

Angela: Ow! Dwight! Ow! 
Dwight: Get in the van. 
Angela: God! 
Trevor: Is it safe to talk? 
Dwight: Well, this documentary crew has been following our every move for the past nine years, but I don’t see them so I think we’re good. 
Angela: So what are your credentials? 
Trevor: I started following people around to get exercise. Turns out, I’m damn good at it. 
Angela: Do you have a gun? 
Dwight: [snickers] Does he own a gun? Show her. 
Trevor: You tell me. 
Angela: What is this? 
Trevor: It’s the receipt for my gun. 
Angela: You don’t carry it with you? 
Trevor: Read the receipt. That’s a $300 gun. Someone could steal it. 
Dwight: Do you have any idea how many guns Trevor’s had stolen from him? 
Trevor: Now I keep it in a safe. 
Dwight: Mm-hmm. Good safe? 
Trevor: Oh, you tell me. [shows Dwight receipt] 
Dwight: Wow!

 

Pam: [studying mural wall] I guess if I make a mistake, I can just paint over it with a shrub or something. It’s just, I think less of paintings with a lot of shrubs. So, I’m gonna limit myself to one shrub. 
Hide: You paint wall now? 
Pam: Yeah. Painting now. I just want to make sure that... 
Hide: You paint now. 
Pam: It’s probably gonna be a few minutes. So you can just go back to doing whatever you were doing. 
Hide: I wait.

 

Meredith: Sweet. 
Erin: Yay! 
Darryl: That’s what I’m talkin’ about. 
Pete: This next card comes to us thanks to Meredith Palmer, who called Eastern Pennsylvania Seminary a, quote ‘sausage factory.’ 
Meredith: Oh OOOH! 
Everyone: [approving cheers] 
Meredith: Boom! 
Darryl: Bang. 
Kevin: Yep, yep, yep. 
Pete: All right. Up next we got a whole lotta Creed. 
Creed: Let’s find out what I did. 
Pete: All right.

Dwight: You get half now and half upon completion of said job. 
Trevor: And that’s all off the books? 
Angela: Obviously. 
Trevor: Nice. No taxes. 
Angela: Okay, so everything you need to know about the target is in here. 
Trevor: So what’s the job? 
Angela: Murder. 
Trevor: Okay, that’s the big one. That’s the big “M.”

Dwight: You can’t have someone murdered. 
Angela: What if they deserved it? 
Dwight: What did they do to you, Angela? 
Angela: They’re sleeping with my husband. 
Dwight: Oh, Monkey. Oh, I feel for you. 
Trevor: This seems a little crazy. 
Dwight: Yes. Crazy. Thank you. 
Trevor: But I think I’m up for it. 
Dwight: No! No! 
Angela: Thank you. 
Dwight: Absolutely not. There are a lot of different ways to get revenge. I’ve had great success by defecating in a paper bag, put it on the porch-- 
Trevor: That’s very effective. I’ve been on the receiving end of that quite a few times. It’s devastating. 
Angela: No, no, no. It has to be physical. I want this person to suffer. 
Trevor: What about a knee-capping? 
Dwight: No! You’re not helping, Trevor! 
Angela: Yes, a knee-capping could work. 
Dwight: No. Angela! What are you saying? 
Angela: You said you would be there for me. 
Dwight: I’m trying, but what you’re asking is-- 
Angela: It’s the only thing that will make this right. 
Dwight: Okay. But it’s cruel, because a woman with damaged knees can’t scrub worth a damn. 
Trevor: All right, then it’s settled. One knee-capping. Now, the hit goes down at 4:00. Keep in mind, once I leave, there’s no turning back.

 

Jim: You know, truth be told, I think all you’ll really be doing is accepting calls from my clients while I’m gone. 
Stanley: We’ve got all afternoon to talk about that. 
Waiter: Morning, folks. 
Stanley: I’ll have the surf and turf with a side order of lobster. 
Waiter: Actually, the surf and turf does come with lob-- 
Stanley: Not enough lobster. Side order. 
Phyllis: How much wine do you have?

 

Oscar: I brought you a cookie. 
Angela: Oh, thanks, Oscar. You’re such an angel.

 

Oscar: [talking into phone] I just gave her a cookie, and she called me an angel, so... yeah, we’re good. Yeah. [exhales] We dodged a bullet, yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah-- Well, I gotta go now, but-- Okay, bye. Bye.

 

Pete: There we go. 
Everyone: [cheers and applause] 
Pete: Nicely done. Very nicely done. All right, this next one goes to Darryl for pocket dialing a customer while having sex. 
Nellie: Oooohh... you salty dog. 
Darryl: Well, yeah, what can I say, a player’s gotta play. 
Pete: There you go.

 

Darryl: Actually, that was the sound of me eating spaghetti. But I’m gonna let them think the other thing.

 

Kevin: Okay, I got this one. 
Nellie: Oh, be careful! Be careful! Be careful 
Kevin: No, I got it. Easy does it, everyone. Nobody even take a breath. 
Everyone: [shouting as tower collapses] Oh no! Kevin! 
Nellie: What did I just say? What did I just say? 
Pete: Hey, hey, hey, it’s just a mistake. Just a mistake. That’s what this tower’s all about --  mistakes. Okay, if you’re afraid of screwing up, the tower’s not for you. Show of hands --- who here has never had a complaint? That’s right. Nobody. See that? Nobody. Okay? Let’s get back to work, huh? Come on, you in? 
Kevin: Yeah. 
Pete: There we go. All right, let’s do it.

Jim: You know, at the end of the day, it’s really only two days. I mean, I’ll be back in the office.  If you need me for an emergency, call me.  I’ll be there... 
Phyllis: You know what? I don’t know where the years went.  ‘Cause sometimes when I look at my hands, I don’t even recognize them. 
Jim: Tell me about it. 
Phyllis: Whose hands are these? [holding out her hands to Jim] Theyre not my hands. I don’t know. 
Jim: All right. You know what?  Maybe we’ll just... We’ll go slow. 
Phyllis: No. Jim... [wine bottle clangs on plate]

 

Pete: All right. Check it out. 
Everyone: [cheers and applause] 
Pete: Like a Phoenix from the ashes. Ksshhhh! 
Kevin: Nice.  Pretty soon, we’re gonna be at the ceiling. 
Erin: Whoo! 
Pete: Can you hand me a card? 
Erin: Um,. it’s empty. 
Pete: What? 
Nellie: Oh, come on. We could use a blank card. 
Everyone: No!! 
Meredith: That’s cheating. 
Pam: I could get us a complaint. 
Meredith: You? Little Miss Priss? You wouldn’t fart on a butterfly. 
Pam: No, I wouldn’t. I can’t even relate to that impulse. But I bet I could get us a customer complaint. I’d like to try. 
Nellie: Hmm. Yeah.  All right! Yea, go, Pam! Pam... 
Everyone: [chanting] “Pam!”

Angela: What? Why did you call me out here? 
Dwight: The target-- it’s Oscar, isn’t it? He and the senator are gaying each other. 
Angela: I don’t know what you’re talking about. 
Dwight: Your nostrils tell a different story. They flare like that every time you’re engaging in deception. Hello again, naughty nostrils. 
Angela: Fine! It’s Oscar. So what? 
Dwight: Well I could understand you wanting to get a stranger’s knees whacked. But a co-worker-- Dare I say, a friend? 
Angela: Exactly, a friend. Someone who sits next to you year after year, making chitchat and smiling, and all the while running behind your back and defiling your marriage and seducing your husband. 
Dwight: I can’t even imagine how painful this must be for you. But the first ones to break your marriage vows were you and me. 
Angela: Well, you might be right. But it’s too late now. 
Dwight: What do you mean? 
Angela: He’s here. 
Dwight: No! No, no! [groans]

 

Dwight: Oscar? Oscar. Oscar, good. Hey come with me. 
Oscar: What? 
Dwight: Come -- come with me. 
Oscar: What are you doing? 
Dwight: There are a bunch of construction workers in the warehouse without their trousers, drinking diet sodas. You have got to see this. They’re extraordinary. 
Meredith: Yahtzee. 
Trevor: Sandwich delivery for Mr. Oscar Martinez. 
Kevin: I am Oscar Martinez. 
Angela: No, not him, not him. Outside. Outside. 
Kevin: Wha-- wh-- 
Angela: You know, there’s doughnuts in the break room. 
Kevin: Nice! Yeah.

 

Jim: Listen, I was really wondering if maybe we could lock this down before lunch is over. 
Stanley: Don’t be pushy Jim. It’s tacky. 
Jim: All right. Phyllis! Phyllis, that’s-- that’s decorative. 
Phyllis: No, there’s wine in here. 
Jim: Still decorative. 
Stanley: Is it white wine? 
Jim: No. 
Phyllis: [to customer] Can you help me? 
Jim: Don’t-- don’t-- don’t pole people with knives. 
Phyllis: [groaning while trying to open giant wine bottle] ha ha! 
Jim: Phyllis!  Wow. 
Stanley: Ooh, bring it over. 
Phyllis: Got it.

 

Dwight: There’s no time to explain. [descending stairs] Okay, actually, there is time to explain. When Angela found out that you seduced her husband, we hired a guy to break your knee caps. 
Oscar: Oh, my God! What is wrong wiht you? 
Dwight: What is wrong with you? There are a million gorgeous guys in the Scranton Wilkes-Barre area, and you choose the man who’s the father of her child? 
Oscar: I don’t know what you’re talking about. 
Dwight: Oh, don’t lie. I’m trying to save those precious knees you’re always bragging about.  Now, let’s get out of here. He could be right behind us.

 

Dwight: Aah! Actually, he’s right in front of us. 
Trevor: Let’s get it on. I’m gonna do this. I might-- I might puke, but I’m gonna do this. 
Dwight: No, Trevor, I am not gonna let you. He’s a Dunder-Mifflin man. He’s my tribe. 
Trevor: I’m sorry, Dwight, but for once in my stupid, stupid life, I’m gonna follow through on something, all right? I have masculinity issues-- Stop! No! 
Oscar: I got it. 
Dwight: Disarm! 
Trevor: You don’t-- [all three grunting] 
Dwight: Don’t move. And disarm now! [Oscar gets weapon away from others] 
Trevor: Okay, okay, okay, okay. 
Dwight: No! No, Oscar. He’s a friend. He’s a friend.

 

Erin: Okay, the client is Heymont Brake and Tire. They’re family-owned, but don’t let that take away from your edge! 
Nellie: Come on, Pam, I know you can fail. I see failure in you. 
Creed: Remember, you’re a scumbag, so you think scummy thoughts. Like this. 
Pam: [into phone] Hello, this is Pam Halpert. I’m calling from Dunder-Mifflin. Yes, your paper provider. And I just called to say... your mama is so fat, when she wears red, people yell, “Hey, kool-aid.” Yeah, your mama’s fat. This is Pam Halpert. 
Pete: Did she buy it? 
Pam: Basically I couldn’t tell, but I think... 
Nellie: Were they angry? 
Pam: I-- I thought they were confused at least... 
Nellie: Okay. 
[phone rings] 
Erin: Dunder Mifflin. This is Erin. Yes, you can. Okay. I will make sure that goes on file. [hangs up] Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost a client! 
Everyone: [cheering] 
Kevin: Nice. Nice. 
Creed: You did good. You did good. 
Pete: See ya later, Heymont.

 

Dwight: No. 
Trevor: If you chase me, I will run so fast. If you catch me I will bite so hard. Got it? Good-bye, my friend. 
Oscar: What the hell, Dwight? 
Dwight: See ya later, Trevor. 
Oscar: you are incorrigible! 
Dwight: I just saved your life. You’re welcome! 
Oscar: You hired someone to hit me with a pipe! 
Angela: You deserved every bit of it!  You made my husband gay. 
Oscar: What-- what I did was wrong, and I have to live with that every day. But your husband is... gay. He was gay when you married him! 
Angela: No. No. 
Oscar: Angela, until you face that, you’re gonna be confused and angry for all the wrong reasons. But if you want to blame me for the whole thing, go ahead -- I won’t stop you. Hit me. you have my blessing. Hit me. 
Angela: Well are you gonna let go of it? Because part of the blame is definitely on you. 
Oscar: Angela, it’s a lead freaking pipe. 
Angela: God! [kicks Oscar] 
Oscar: Aah! 
Angela: You were supposed to be my friend. 
Oscar: I’m so sorry. Angela-- 
Dwight: Oscar.

 

Pete: Our crowning complaint card comes to us thanks to Pamela Halpert... 
Everyone: [cheers and applause] 
Pete: For insulting a client’s recently deceased mother. 
Nellie: Yes! 
Pam: I did not know that. 
Pete: Well, a woman who struggled with obesity all her life. 
Pam: I’m so sorry. 
Meredith: Wow. 
Pete: yeah. That’s-- that is terrible. 
Everyone: [cheers and applause as Pete puts last card on tower] 
Kevin: You did it. 
Erin: Yeah!

 

Angela: I feel so stupid. I sit next to him every day. 
Dwight: You’re not stupid. Jazz is stupid. 
Angela: [crying] Jazz is stupid!  I mean, just play the right notes! 
Dwight: I know. You’re gonna be okay, Monkey. 
Angela: I don’t like your friend Trevor. 
Dwight: I don’t like him either.  And yet I really like him.

 

Jim: Well, we’re here. Perfect.  [covers sleeping Phyllis with his jacket] 
Phyllis: We’re gonna cover for you, ya know. 
Stanley: [chuckles] 
Jim: Phyllis, what was that?Phyllis are you dreaming, or-- 
Stanley: [laughing] I did enjoy grinding your beans, son. 
Phyllis: [laughing] Yeah, we really did peel your grapes. 
Jim: This is hilarious, but we’re gonna stop with all-- 
Stanley: Shuckin’ your peas. 
Jim: Shuckin’ the peas.  You should go back to the first part, though. You are  gonna  cover for me? 
Stanley: Yeah. 
Phyllis: Of course we are, Jimmy. We love you guys. 
Jim: Oh, my God, thank you. [hugging both] Thank you.

 

Pam: If you’re an artist, you have to be okay with the idea  that you can’t please everybody all the time. 
Hide: You paint very bad-- 
Pam: Shut up, Hide!  I mean, do you think Kevin cares what people think about him-- or Creed or Meredith? Oh my gosh, these are my role models now. You know what? I’m okay with that.

 

Dwight: Where does gayness come from? And how is it transmitted? 
Toby: That is-- that is a loaded question. 
Angela: My pastor said it can come from breast feeding. 
Toby: He said that? 
Angela: Well, he didn’t fight me hard on it. 
Toby: I-- I don’t know if there’s truth to-- to, uh, to that. 
Angela: What is it called when two men intertwine their penises like the snakes on the medic-alert bracelet? 
Toby: Oh... uh... 
Angela: Is it called red-vining? 
Dwight: Is it called red-vining? 
Toby: I don’t... 
Dwight: We heard it was called red-vining. 
Angela: People red vine. 
Dwight: Where are gay mens’ vaginas? 
Toby: They don’t have vaginas. 
Dwight: What? 
Toby: No. They’re just regular men. 
Dwight: When two gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person’s penis? 
Toby: Uh... wow....