오피스 시즌 8 - 12화 대본

Season 8 - Episode 12
"Pool Party"
Written by Owen Ellickson
Directed by Charles McDougall
Original Air Date: January 19, 2012
Transcribed by Clockwise

 

Dwight: Oh, ugh. [stands and looks at meatball in chair] What is this, a meatball? Really? [Stanley laughs]

 

Jim: It's always more fun to mess with Dwight with an audience. That was usually Pam so now that she's out I had to find someone else. Turns out that Stanley is quite the comedy fan. But not everything makes him laugh. He has very specific tastes. Through a painstaking process of trial and error, I've found out what he likes. And it's really weird.

 

Dwight: Jim, come on! That's so juvenile! What the- [opens drawer full of meatballs] 
Stanley: You've been meatballed! [laughs] 
Dwight: Ugh. 
Stanley: Are you ready for some meatball? 
Dwight: Aw, man. [Stanley laughs] This is not very clever, Jim. 
Jim: I know. 
Stanley: Look for your stapler! 
Dwight: [Dwight finds stapler in giant meatball] Really Jim? Really? Very funny.

 

Stanley: [to Phyllis] Oh okay. Good night. [climbs in to Dwight's car] What's the haul? 
Dwight: Thirty-two meatballs. 
Stanley: Good day.

 

Dwight: That idiot's been feeding us for a week. 
Stanley: We'll never have to buy meatballs again.

 

Erin: [phone rings] Dunder Mifflin. Jessica, hi! How are you? Oh yay, that's so great to hear.

 

Erin: I'm not going to be one of those exes who can't move on. They have their life and I have mine. I'm taking an Italian class. So far I've learned tortellini, spagettini, linguini... Well it's not so much a class as a restaurant, but I do Monday, Wednesday, Friday from seven to nine.

 

Erin: I will patch you through right now. You sound really pretty today. Okay. 
Andy: Jessica! I love you! That's a message from my mom.

 

Andy: My parents met Jessica and they completely flipped for her so they gave me this old family ring to use on her. I know, whoa! Pump the breaks, Bernard, too early! I get it. I just, you know, I'm just carrying it around, seeing how it feels. I haven't proposed to anyone in years... Mom took the main diamond out, she thought that had more of a my little brother kind of vibe to it, but...

 

Jim: [Robert is looking at pictures of a house online] Whoa, looks pretty nice. Got a little bit of a Shining vibe, though. 
Oscar: Oh, who needs a house that size? 
Dwight: Big. Stupid. Pure chump bait. 
Robert: I'm selling the house, actually. 
Jim: You know, there's a glare from over here... oh wow, that's magnificent. 
Robert: It's mid-recession in a depressed area of a faltering state and I've got the most expensive house on the market. The one percent are suffering too, people. I wanted it to be my Playboy mansion. A temple to wine, revelry, sex, intrigue... this was hot on the heels of Eyes Wide Shut, mind you. Then I met my wife, she moved in, made it her own. Now she's left me and forced me to sell the place. The ultimate insult? They're calling my speakeasy lounge a rumpus room. [Jim laughs] Does my turmoil amuse you, Jim? 
Jim: I'm sorry, I thought you were making a joke. 
Robert: What could you possibly have found funny in what I said? What was the joke you thought you heard? 
Jim: I guess I thought you were approaching it with more of a sarcasm than misery. Kind of laughing at your own pain, sad clown thing. 
Robert: Oh yes. How hilarious it is to laugh at clowns, the painted jesters of the dying circus industry. Very funny, Jim. I get it. 
Andy: Um, I'm getting reports of a serious outbreak of the grumpies in here. 
Robert: A beautiful monster cost me my forties and my dream home. I think I'm entitled to the occasional bad day. 
Andy: Well, please tell Susan we all say hi. 
Kevin: Dude, what if, since you're feeling grumpy, we all swing by tonight and check out your indoor pool? [Robert laughs] 
Oscar: Kevin, no. 
Robert: What, as some sort of last hoorah? 
Kevin: Yeah. All of us in the pool, saying hoorah. Maybe the last one that says hoorah is it. 
Robert: You know I suppose someone should enjoy the place before I hand it over to the staging experts at Remax tomorrow. Let's try this: everyone, tonight, my house, wear a swimsuit. Let's just call it a get-together. And let's say no food. 
Kevin: Hey Oscar, was that you who just created a party out of thin air or was it me? 
Oscar: That was you, Kevin. 
Kevin: It was me.

 

Meredith: You going tonight, kiddo? Cause I can give you a lift. 
Erin: Oh, I don't know, Meredith. It seems like you shouldn't drive maybe ever. 
Meredith: It's no problem. You live right near me. 
Erin: How do you know where I live? 
Meredith: Andy followed you home after the Christmas party. 
Erin: Why? 
Meredith: He wanted to make sure California didn't put it in you. 
Erin: Oh. Come on.

 

Erin: Wow. Andy's such a weird stalker. Following me home like that when he has a girlfriend? I should get a restraining order. [squeaks]

 

Angela: [sticks a hand in the pool] Oh, it is warm. 
Cathy: It's almost too warm. 
Gabe: I'm feeling eighty-two, eighty-two and a half. 
Ryan: Oh, so close. Eighty-one. 
Gabe: [to Cathy] Well, we'll say its eight-two and it'll be our secret. 
Cathy: [to Jim] Hey, late guy. 
Jim: Hey. Wow. Just stopping by. Got another party to go to. A wife and two kids at home party. 
Andy: Oh. 
Jim: DJ Pam Halpert is spinning some serious Radio Disney tonight.

 

Jim: You're looking at the master of leaving parties early. They key is, you have to make a strong impression, so you want to have a picture taken, you want to say some peculiar non sequitur that people remember, you want to note something unique, a talking point, for later. I don't mean to brag, but New Year's Eve, I was home by nine.

 

Jim: Robert, just wanted to grab you one second. This place is amazing, by the way. 
Robert: You should see the whole thing. 
Jim: I bet I should. [takes cell phone photo] That's beautiful, I'm going to email that to you. 
Robert: I'm just about to give the tour. 
Jim: All right- 
Robert: Join us. You must see what you were laughing about. 
Jim: I must...

 

Jessica: [looks at pool] Wow. 
Andy: [hides ring] Yeah, it's pretty serious poolage. 
Jessica: [sees Andy's hand in his pocket] What are you doing? 
Andy: Hmm? Flicking a bug off my wiener. [they both laugh] 
Jessica: Gross. I'm getting a drink. Do you want anything? 
Andy: No, I'm good. 
Erin: [runs to Andy] Funny how we can be surrounded by people and still feel so lonely. Hi. 
Andy: Hi. 
Erin: How is everything? How's your car? 
Andy: It's great. You know. Reliable. Great mileage. 
Erin: Is that so? How about this weekend we take that sucker to a duck pond or something? Maybe get caught in the rain? 
Andy: Well, I can't. I'm going skiing with Jessica. you know, a couple of dopes on the slopes. 
Erin: Oh, like a goodbye trip. 
Andy: No. What? 
Jessica: Hey. 
Erin: Hi.

 

Erin: I guess Andy isn't totally over his current girlfriend. But, if he was jealous once before then maybe I can make him jealous again. Just not with Robert. He told me he was a ride I wouldn't survive, and I believe him.

 

Darryl: Val. You made it. 
Val: Yup, yup. 
Darryl: Uh oh, look at this. Red plastic cup, red plastic cup. How about that? 
Val: You know, you are just as dumb at night. 
Darryl: Mmm. [they clink cups] 
Andy: All right, theres- this would be no problem. I could swim under, one breath. 
Jessica: No, show me. 
Andy: Okay. 
Jessica: Dive in right here. 
Andy: In a minute. In a minute. 
Jessica: Okay. You don't know what you're doing. 
Andy: A minute would be cool. 
Erin: Hey, Dwight Snoot. 
Dwight: What- 
Erin: What you doing? 
Dwight: I'm relaxing. Scram. [pushes her] 
Erin: Ow. 
Andy: Hey, Stanley. Um, what happened to my pants? 
Stanley: I moved them. Pants only need a chair if there's a person in them. 
Andy: Where... [finds pants, looks for ring] 
Erin: Come on, don't you want to play? 
Dwight: Oh really? 
Erin: Yeah. 
Dwight: Yeah, you want to play you little hick? [kicks her in to the pool, Erin screams] 
Kevin: Whoa. 
Angela: Dwight! Oh my gosh! Dwight!

 

Robert: Here we have the parlor. I imagined people would set down their coats and symbolically their inhibitions. This was the gateway. You enter this room a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher, a judge, but beyond it you're simply a penis, a vagina, hunger, ache. Susan used it as a Pilates studio. 
Oscar: [sees wine collection] Holy cow! 
Robert: Wine collection. 
Oscar: How many bottles? Three hundred? 
Robert: [laughs] About twelve hundred. What the hell, grab a bottle. Less inventory for the lawyers. 
Oscar: Toby! Chateau Margaux ninety-five. You know your wine. 
Toby: Well, and you have a... yes, a- d- another chateau. 
Ryan: Robert, you are too kind. 
Robert: Oh. 
Gabe: Too kind doesn't begin to cover it. 
Ryan: With ammunition like this we are in for quite a night, you and me. 
Gabe: And Gabe-y makes three. 
Jim: Robert, thank you. Thank you for this. Thank you for all this. This night's been magical. 
Robert: Jim, come see this next room. I think you especially would like it. 
Jim: Really? Why? 
Robert: I don't know. Maybe not. Just come.

 

Erin: [Dwight dunks her] Oh! 
Dwight: [laughs] You regret attacking me now, hick? Huh? 
Erin: Stop it. Dwight, I was flirting with you. I was trying to use you to make Andy jealous. 
Dwight: I'm not going to help you. Why would you choose me? Because I'm mighty? Because I'm the manliest man in the office? I'll do it. [he picks her up] 
Erin: [giggles] Oh Dwight!

 

Erin: [giggles] Stop. 
Dwight: You stop. 
Erin: No, you stop. 
Dwight: No, you stop. 
Erin: [to camera] Is he looking? [shakes her head] Oh. You can stop. 
Dwight: Okay, you can stop. 
Erin: No, no, no, he's not looking. 
Dwight: No, you can stop. 
Erin: You can actually stop. 
Kelly: Whoa, you guys, I just found this insane engagement ring. Is anyone missing this? 
Meredith: The main stone's missing. 
Kelly: I don't know. It looks pretty great to me.

 

Robert: I pictured myself here every night eating a leg of mutton, the juices dripping down my bare chest, wiping my fingers on the walls. Then I met the vegan. 
Jim: Good night. 
Oscar: [raises wine bottle] To the kitchen! 
All: To the kitchen! 
Robert: To the kitchen. Onward! 
Oscar: Toby, what's compelling about this is the note of persimmon. Right? 
Toby: Note? It's a symphony. 
Oscar: Okay, you have to join my wine-tasting club. 
Toby: I would love that.

 

Toby: Toby, you are playing a dangerous game. Guess I'm through the gateway now, though, right?

 

Darryl: [to Val] You know, I don't think I've ever been in this exact angle before. I was scared at first, but I like it. 
Meredith: You guys got to try this pool. No top scum, no band-aids. This thing is choice. 
Val: You in? 
Darryl: Yeah, sure, sure. I'll be right in.

 

Darryl: I've been working out. But, the problem is, I've been building muscle underneath. And that top layer hasn't burned off yet. Awkward stage.

 

Dwight: [he and Erin feed each other chips] Ah, mmm. So good. Now take a chip, crush it into my face, really rub the grease around. Do it. Now rub it in. Oh, yeah, that's so good. Ah... 
Erin: Andy's not even looking. I think sexy eating is a dead end. 
Dwight: Damn it. 
Erin: What is the most romantic possible thing? 
Dwight: We can get some chicken fights going in the pool. 
Erin: Dwight, that's just- that's really perfect. Thank you. 
Both: Yes! [they high five and jump in the pool] 
Angela: You're in my way! 
Erin: Andy, Dwight and I challenge you and Jess to a chicken fight. Winner take all. 
Dwight: Chicken fight! 
Andy: No thanks. 
Erin: Dang it! What the heck already? 
Dwight: Hey, Cathy. Chicken fight! 
Cathy: Okay, yeah. Who's going to be my partner? Where's Jim? 
Kevin: I'm right here! [gets in pool] Cold. Cold. Come on, Cath.

 

Dwight: Yeah- oh! 
Erin: [knocks Cathy off Kevin's shoulders] Yes! Woo! 
Dwight: Woohoo! Yes! 
Erin: Dwight, our chemistry is really clicking. We work so well together. 
Dwight: I know. I could just bang you right now. 
Erin: He's not looking. [Dwight dumps her in the pool] Hey!

 

Robert: I had two bears sewn together to make this king-size. Total waste of two bears. 
Jim: To both these bears. 
Ryan: To both these bears. 
Toby: Bears. 
Oscar: To both these bears.

 

Robert: When I put in the screening room, I bought three movies: Caligula, Last Tango in Paris, and Emmanuelle 2. Last two movies I actually watched in here Marley and Me and On Golden [bleep] Pond. 
Ryan: I mean, it's clearly meant for watching erotic cinema. 
Gabe: Yup. We could watch some right now if you want. I got a Korean film on my iPod if you want to just- if you have the cables.

 

Andy: Kelly, that's a crazy ring you found. 
Kelly: Yeah, thanks. I'm really glad I found it. 
Andy: I can't believe you're wearing it. Are you not superstitious at all? 
Kelly: Shh. Of course I'm superstitious. What are you talking about? 
Andy: The ring of a failed marriage might have some sinister energy, right? Am I just being silly? 
Phyllis: Oh, I don't think you're being silly. 
Kelly: Oh God. [takes off ring] 
Andy: You know what, I can just sell it and put the money in the party fund. 
Phyllis: [snatches ring] Then another woman will get it. We can't allow that. We have to destroy it. 
Jessica: [to Andy] Come on. Let's chicken fight those two. 
Val: [comes up from under water] How was that? 
Kevin: Okay. Watch my toes. [does hand stand] 
Darryl: Hey Val. Want a beer? It might taste better than that pool water you've been drinking. 
Val: No, I'm good. Thank you. 
Darryl: Cool. 
Val: Cool. [to Kevin] Does Darryl not swim? 
Kevin: That's racist! I don't know. But I would say, by looking at him, no, Darryl does not swim.

 

Jessica: [knocks Erin off Dwight's shoulders] Yes! 
Andy: Yeah! 
Dwight: [to Erin] Maybe we should take a little break. 
Erin: Dwight, we've got this. I promise. I will not leave your shoulders, no matter what. 
Dwight: Okay. 
Erin: One more? 
Andy: Yeah! 
Jessica: Yeah! Great! [others cheer and clap] 
Erin: Mush, mush, mush! Come on! 
Dwight: Go! 
Erin: Go! Okay. Yeah. 
Jessica: Here we go! [knocks Erin over] Yes! 
Andy: Yay! [Erin comes back up] Whoa! 
Kevin: Wow! 
Andy: I cannot believe you're still up! 
Jessica: I cannot believe it either. 
Erin: I've got this! [Dwight gasps] Charge! Go! Go! [Dwight sinks] 
Andy: [muffled] Dwight are you okay? Hey, damn it-

 

Dwight: [coughs up water] Erin, did we win? 
Erin: Sure. Sure we did. 
Dwight: You're lying. We didn't win. 
Erin: Hey, hey, hey Dwight. It's okay. Just rest. Just rest.

 

Kelly: You've broken up your last couple, you evil ring. Do it. [Meredith sets fire to paper ring boat] 
Angela: We're in the pool! 
Meredith: Shut it, Angela.

 

Dwight: Ugh. Same old party, same old people. Am I right? Reminds me of Phyllis's birthday. 
Andy: Ooh, do not remind me of Phyllis's birthday. 
Dwight: I know. [laughs] But boy, that Erin. She sure is a ripe little tiger, isn't she? Rroww! And to think, I always thought of her as a second Meredith. Respectfully, I don't want us walking into a similar Angela kind of situation. 
Andy: Mmm. 
Dwight: So I just want to make sure that you are completely, one hundred percent done with Erin. 
Andy: Last I checked, I'm with Jessica. And I like to get my monog on. It's monogamy for my hog 'n me. 
Dwight: Not what I asked. 
Andy: We're done. Erin and I are over. 
Dwight: So then you won't mind if tonight I just go crazy on her, just go nuts, rrargh. With sex. 
Andy: Have at it. Or take it slow. Whatever you guys work out. 
Dwight: [sighs] You're an idiot. 
Kevin: Kelly, that is mine! This is mine! [Val, Erin and Kevin play with pool noodles] 
Erin: Uh-uh. Uh-uh. 
Kevin: No! 
Val: Oh I've got him! 
Darryl: Cannonball! [jumps in pool] Let's do this!

 

Andy: [Erin swims up with ring] Wow. 
Erin: So I kind of stepped on this. I think it's yours. 
Andy: Yeah. Oh wow. How did you know it was mine? 
Erin: The Bernard family seal. Duh. 
Andy: Duh. 
Erin: Sorry if your special night was ruined. 
Andy: Oh, whoa. Whoa, no, it's not a special night. 
Erin: Oh, you weren't going to do that? 
Andy: Honestly Erin, I don't know what I'm doing. I... I just... I don't know. Thank you.

 

Erin: Andy's confused. That's not what I was hoping for, but it's not so bad either. I can live with confused. I get confused. I totally get confused.

 

Robert: And of course, the pool. The ultimate lubricant for any wild evening. It was here that my parties would have crescendoed into true madness. 
Jim: To madness. 
Ryan: To madness. 
Toby: To madness. [Robert laughs] 
Meredith: To madness. 
Jim: Hey, um, I think you parked my car in. Is there any way you can move your van? 
Meredith: Oh, I'm sorry. When I got here, I put my keys in a bowl. 
Jim: Are you serious? 
Ryan: Robert, I want you to know, I'm here to rock with you as late as you want, man. 
Gabe: And that goes double for me. I'll stay even later than you'd like. 
Oscar: [Toby pours wine into Oscar's mouth] Toby! I am Bacchus, god of wine! 
Toby: And I am Bacchus's friend! 
Robert: Gentlemen, bear witness. While I've been mourning the nights that never were, one of them has been unfolding here before me. This is no get-together. This is a party. [Robert strips, jumps in pool, Gabe and Ryan join him] 
All: Yes! Woohoo! Bravo! 
Jim: And there's my talking point.

 

Robert: Yes, that's it. Push yourselves, boys. It's not a party if you don't do something that scares you. I need a breather. Oh. Oh. You two keep going. 
Ryan: Hey, he's asleep. We can just leave. 
Gabe: So leave.