오피스 시즌 5 - 5화 대본

Season 5 - Episode 05
"Employee Transfer"
Written by Anthony Q. Farrell
Directed by David Rogers
Original Air Date: October 30th, 2008

 

Kelly: [dressed as Carrie Bradshaw] Wow you guys look amazing. Stanley, I thought you hated Halloween.
Phyllis: [dressed as Raggedy Ann] Shh. He wears that so he can sleep at his desk. Who are you?
Kelly: Oh, I'm Carrie Bradshaw from Sex And The City.
Phyllis: Mm. I like your shoes. [Kelly has 5-inch heels on]
Kelly: Thank you. Will you help walk me to the fax machine?
Phyllis: Sure.
Ryan: I got her, I got her. I can help you. You look amazing.
Kelly: Inappropriate. Thank you. Who are you, Larry King?
Ryan: Gordon Gekko. 
Kelly: Oh, from the insurance commercials!
Ryan: ... Yeah.

 

Oscar: [Creed dressed as the Joker enters] Whoa. Awesome.
Creed: Let's put a smile on that face!
Kevin: [also dressed as the Joker] Dammit Creed! I've been up since four!

 

Andy: [dressed as a kitten] Meow. Sweet 'stume, dude. Who are you supposed to be?
Jim: Dave.
Andy: Cool.
Jim: You are? [Andy hisses] A cat?
Andy: [buzzer noise] We were looking for "kitten."
Jim: [phone] Oh, hang on one second. Jim Halpert.
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey New York, Happy Halloween!
Pam: Thanks. My costume's getting a lot of attention. [Pam is dressed as Charlie Chaplin]

 

Pam: So apparently no one dresses up for Halloween here. I wish I had known that before I used greasepaint for my moustache. And I can't even take off my hat, because then I'm Hitler.

 

Dwight: [dressed as the Joker] Hm mm mm mm. Want to see a magic trick? Heh heh heh! I'm gonna make a pencil disapp-- oh! [elevator doors close, reopen.] Disappear.

 

Michael: Okay, I think we are set. We have puzzles, string for Cat's Cradles. Burned this last night. A little road trip CD. Puppets. 
Holly: Oh, look at all this stuff! It's only seven hours.

 

Michael: When Corporate found out that we were dating, they decided they were going to transfer Holly back to her old branch, in Nashua, New Hampshire. 

 

Holly: Michael is taking a personal day to move me up.
Michael: Road trip! Right?
Holly: Breaker one-nine, copy?
Michael: Oh, copy that breaker. Those Duke boys are at it again.
Darryl: Hey! Do Not Touch My Radio.
Michael: We're not.
Holly: Kidding.
Michael: We're not doing anything.

 

Holly: It's been a weird week since we found out I had to transfer. Michael wanted me to quit and get some job here in Scranton, and I said "Well, why don't you quit and get some job in Nashua?" And he said "I asked you first." And I said "First!" at the same time he did. And then I said "Jinx." And then we never talked about it again and haven't been back to the conversation. So...

 

Michael: All right everybody. I'm out of here. Jim, you're in charge.
Jim: Oh, I'll walk you out.
Michael: Ah, you are quite the gentleman.

 

Michael: You can let people go a couple of minutes early if you want. 
Jim: All right. We'll see. [to camera] No.

 

Jim: I am off to New York. My brother Pete from Boston, and my brother Tom from New Jersey are taking Pam and I out for lunch, to celebrate the engagement. Or maybe to beat me up. I can never tell with those two. 

 

Dwight: Good morning temp.
Ryan: 'Morning. [Dwight reveals Cornell sweatshirt] Wow. Good morning Dwight.
Dwight: Thought I'd go casual today. Morning everyone. Good morning. Hello. How are you Phyllis?
Andy: Ha ha ha. That's funny. [angrily] Take that sweatshirt off! Hey buddy. 
Dwight: Andy.
Andy: Remember when I jokingly yelled at you to take your sweatshirt off? Totally joking. But, you should know, those colors are sacred. Not that I care. But if you're not a Cornell man, you probably shouldn't wear them.
Dwight: No I get it. I totally understand. And uh, I just want to assure you, that I mean no disrespect. You see, I'm applying!
Andy: Come on, you think you can get into Cornell?
Dwight: Well if somebody who barely out-sells Phyllis, can get in, I should be fine.
Phyllis: I'm sitting right here Dwight.
Dwight: I meant that as a compliment to you Phyllis, as well as a slight to Andy.

 

Dwight: Cornell is a good school, and I want to better myself through higher education. If it makes Andy angry, so be it. [He sips from his Cornell mug]

 

Holly: I have to unpack this weekend but maybe next weekend we go to the outlets!
Michael: Cool!
Darryl: Mike you'll drive this every weekend?
Michael: We're gonna switch back and forth, the driving. Sometimes we'll just meet in the middle. It'll be fun. Wait a sec. Oh I love this song.
Michael and Holly: Life is a highway, I want to ride it all night long. 
Michael, Holly, and Darryl: If you're going my way, I wanna drive you all night long! If you're going my way...

 

Dwight: Hey there. So uh, how do you think we're gonna do against Penn this year? Nathan Ford's arm looks pretty strong.
Andy: Well he's had a pretty good season so far--- Stop saying "we." You did not go to Cornell. Okay, you're just doing this to screw with me.
Dwight: Not so. Cornell is an excellent school. Without its agricultural program, we probably wouldn't have cabbage. At least not modern cabbage.
Andy: I know it's an excellent school, Dwight. I went there. My blood runs Big Red.
Dwight: Someday, we'll both get together in Comstock Hall and just laugh about all of this.

 

Pam: Hey!
Tom: Hey, future baby sis! 
Pam: How are you Tom. Nice to see you.
Tom: I'm good. 

 

Pam: I asked Tom and Pete to come early so we could play a prank on Jim at lunch! Pretty awesome, right? I think they're into the idea. They're probably thinking, "That Pam Beasly, she's the coolest sister-in-law on the planet. She's the best! The absolute best."

 

Pam: Okay, so here's what I'm thinking. I'm gonna say that before ceramics class, I took off my ring, and then when I changed back out of my smock, it wasn't in my pocket anymore, and I lost it. 
Pete: That's perfect. You know what would be even more hilarious? Remember that thing we did when Jim was in high school with his girlfriend?
Tom: Right! That would be hilarious! We should totally dog her, about being an artist, never making any money!
Pete: That, is awesome!
Tom: Like she basically has a hobby, for a job.
Pete: Oh yeah.
Pam: So, not the ring then? The- the- Not doing the ring?
Pete: I think this is better.
Tom: The other thing would "get" Jim.
Pete: This is nicer, it's fun. It's fun!
Pam: Okay, okay.
Tom: Oh, he hates it when we pick on his girlfriends.
Pam: Oookay....

 

Pam: They came up with that idea really fast.

 

Darryl: This trip was longer than I thought.
Holly: Yeah it did look shorter on the map-
Michael: Ah! Ah! Ahhhh! [waking up] Hey. Whew. Ow. I was having a nightmare.
Holly: You were sleeping? You were talking before.
Michael: Was I? Really? Was I saying anything interesting?
Darryl: Not really.
Michael: All right. What's the scoop, how far?
Darryl: Four hours. Almost halfway there.
Holly: We're only halfway?
Michael: Halfway! Okay, You know what I want to do, I want to pull over and find little bed and breakfast for when we meet in the middle. Emphasis on the bed. And the breakfast.
Darryl: Next exit isn't for five miles.
Holly: Let's check there.

 

Pam: Hey guys.
Jim: Hey, how are you? 
Pam: Hi! [smooches]
Jim: Good to see you.
Pete: Nice to see you again, Pam.
Tom: Pam, I haven't seen you in so, so long! 
Jim: All right so now we can sit... and get comfortable.

 

Darryl: There's nothing out here man.
Michael: Yeah. I don't know I just- I imagined a hotel right here. Pool, over here. Really good breakfast place. With really good bacon.

 

Michael: Here we go, fourth time's a charm. "Life's like a road where you just... one day here, and the next day back...Sometimes you deal with it, today you don't, sometimes you do, what you want... there's a world out there.... [Holly sobs] Hey. Are you crying?
Holly: No.
Michael: Allergies?
Holly: No.
Michael: Did Darryl touch you?
Darryl: WHAT!?
Holly: No, Darryl did not touch me. Can we just keep going, please? [crying]

 

Michael: What's the matter?
Holly: It's not gonna work.
Michael: Sure it is.
Holly: There's too much distance.
Michael: Oh no no no.. It's gonna work, it'll be fine.
Holly: Michael we've only been dating each other for a few weeks
Michael: Listen to me. I like you so much.
Holly: And I like you too.
Michael: And I've dated four women in the last--
Holly: I've dated four guys last year too.
Michael: Not last - no. In like the last ten years.
Holly: Oh.
Michael: I've dated almost four women, and you are so far above them, it is stupid.
Holly: Michael. Don't. Don't. Don't make it harder than it has to be.
Michael: That's what she said.

 

Michael: Holly thinks that this relationship is over. Well, you know what? I am not gonna give up that easy. I'm gonna make this way harder than it needs to be.

 

Andy: Take that down. [Dwight has hung a large red Cornell banner from the ceiling]
Dwight: Excuse me?
Andy: Take. That down.
Meredith: You know I once dated a couple of guys from Cornell. They were really nice. They gave me a ride home.
Andy: I seriously doubt that anyone from Cornell dated you.
Creed: It's pronounced Ker-nell. It's the highest rank in the military.
Andy: It's pronounced "Corn-ell!" It's the highest rank in the Ivy League!
Dwight: Andy, let's just talk about this man-to-man, after work.
Andy: Fine. 
Dwight: What do you say?
Andy: Yeah, good. Can we--- [Dwight pulls out Cornell mascot bobble-head] Grr. Heh heh heh. That's Big Red Bear! That's a bobble Big Red Bear! God!!

 

Holly: If you leave on Friday, by five, you'll be rolling in at... midnight? At best?
Michael: Yeah.
Holly: And then sleep in Saturday. That only leaves us less than 24 hours before you have to go back again.
Michael: Okay, okay. I will talk to you on the Bluetooth the entire trip. So we're talking constantly all the way. 
Holly: Oh. 
Michael: I'll tell you everything that I see. Everything that I pass by, things that I witness on the road.
Holly: Well-
Michael: Maybe I'll see an accident one weekend?
Holly: How long could we keep that up?
Michael: Years!
Holly: Years?
Michael: Yeah.
Holly: Years? Of just a few hours every weekend?
Michael: Here's my wish. I want you to meet a great guy, and I want you to be happy.
Holly: [kisses his temple] Thank you.
Michael: My wish has come true, incidentally, because, you've met me, and you are happy.
Darryl: Clever, Mike.

 

Tom: So Pam, how much does an artist make after they leave art school?
Pete: Yeah, not a lot of money in the arts, right?
Jim: That's not really true. There's a lot of things you can do with an art degree actually.
Tom: Maybe Pam should pay the check by drawing a picture on this napkin.
Jim: Wow, that's- that's a little rude. What's your deal?
Pete: Hey, just having fun Jimmy.
Tom: Yeah. Right Pam?
Pam: Yup! [Tom and Pete give Halpertian looks to camera]

 

Michael: You know what? I think we're a great couple. I think we're a classic couple. I think we're like Romeo and Juliet. I think we... go together so well. We're like peanut butter and jelly, don't you think?
Holly: I do, I think so.
Michael: Then don't do it. Please don't do this. Please don't do this. [they continue arguing]
Darryl: [leaving someone a message on his cell phone, looking very uncomfortable] Hey what's up, I just thought I'd try you. I was thinking about that story where you ran into the girl you used to babysit. 
Michael: I don't know what I'm gonna do! 
Darryl: Please call me back.
Michael: Please?
Holly: You'll be okay
Michael: I'm not gonna be okay.
Darryl: Please...
Holly: You will.
Michael: No I won't! I'm not strong! And I'll go back to Jan, and I hate Jan! Oh God!

 

Andy: [outside men's room] You might be interested- [stops when he sees Stanley come out]
Stanley: What?
Andy: Dwight!
Dwight: Andy, I've been meaning to ask you, which a cappella group should I join? The Harmoniacs, or the Do-Re-Mi-Go's?
Andy: Hm. Assuming you had the voice to be in any of them, it's irrelevant. Because I called admissions and it looks like I, will be conducting your university interview.
Dwight: That's a conflict of interest.
Andy: Yeah. Big one. So, should I not let you in now, or do you want to do the interview, and then I won't let you in?
Dwight: [thinks] Interview.
Andy: Excellent. When the hourglass strikes three, then in the room whence employees confer.
Dwight: What?
Andy: The conference room!
Dwight: Okay.

 

Andy: Who are your role models?

 

Andy: If I had to put Dwight's chances into a percentage, I would say he has none percent chance.

 

Andy: So, Dane Cook, Jack Bauer, and Eli Whitney. You're doing great.

 

Jim: Oh wow. This is my niece Vanessa. She's a trumpeter. And, look at her.
Pam: Cute.
Jim: That must be really fun for you and Marci huh?
Tom: Yup. She only knows how to play "When the Saints go Marching In."
Jim: Love that one.
Pete: Yeah but, she doesn't think she's gonna be like, career musician right?
Jim: Here you go again! What is your deal today?
Pete: Just saying. How many famous trumpeters can you name besides... Louis Armstrong?
Pam: Miles Davis.
Jim: One.
Pam: Chet ...something.
Jim: Half.
Pete: The point is Pam, is there are jobs-
Pam: Dizzy Gillespie.
Jim: Also good.
Pete: And there are hobbies. I love baseball more than anything, but you don't see me try to get on the Mets.
Tom: You don't!
Jim: Pete couldn't make the Mets. She's at Pratt. You played JV baseball. Will you lighten up a little bit?
Pete: I'm just calling it like I see it.
Pam: I don't know if I'm gonna make any money with art.
Jim: Pam, don't worry about it.
Pam: I mean it's a very competitive field. But I have a professor who says I have a lot of promise, and if I don't try now, I never will. So...
Jim: Guys, what is going on?! [Pete and Tom burst out in laughter]
Tom: We pranked you!
Pete: It was Pam's idea. Pam was the mastermind.
Pam: ... Got you.
Pete: That was killer. I was so close to blowing it.

 

Andy: Let's see how well you know your Big Red history.
Dwight: Bring it.
Andy: Who was Cornell's eighth president?
Dwight: Dale Raymond Corson!
Andy: Mm, I'm sorry that's incorrect. Cornell's seventh president was in fact, James A. Perkins. [writes in a notebook] Comprehension skills, sub-par.
Dwight: Hmm, interviewing skills, sub-par. [writes in a notebook]
Andy: What are you writing? Can't even give Cornell your full attention?
Dwight: On the contrary, I'm helping Cornell. By evaluating their interviewers.
Andy: Nobody wants ...that, to happen.
Dwight: Well, when they get my evaluation we'll see if they're interested.
Andy: "Applicant is attempting to blackmail interviewer, showing low moral character."
Dwight: "Interviewer is threatening applicant with an arbitrary review process."
Andy: "Applicant is wasting everyone's time with stupid and inane accusations."
Dwight: "Interviewer has suspect motives."
Andy: "Applicant has a head shaped like a trapezoid." 
Dwight: "Interviewer has turned off applicant's interest in Cornell, and they are going to go to the vastly superior Dartmouth." Ever heard of it? I think I have everything I need.
Andy: I have everything I need- [talking over each other]
Dwight: And you will be hearing from the -
Andy: And you will be hearing from -
Dwight: -Cornell Application Department, 
Andy: which I will not be a part of-
Dwight: And you will not be pleased with the result. [pulls table away from Andy]
Andy: And YOU will not be pleased with the result!
Dwight: And your affiliation with Cornell -
Andy: And your affiliation with Cornell -
Dwight: Will end completely!
Andy: Will end completely!
Dwight: [has won the table war] That is all sir, you may go.

 

Darryl: [Michael and Holly cautiously pass each other] There's another dolly in the truck, Mike. You could take more than that lamp.

 

Pam: For the record, I wanted go another direction. Which was way better.
Jim: Well, I'll be the judge of that. What do you got?
Pam: Okay. I lost my engagement ring in ceramics class. Left it in my smock. I had this whole thing where I go back to class, wrongly accuse another girl. Look I even used makeup to put a ring around my finger, you can hardly see it, it's very subtle. 
Jim: That is good.
Pam: Thank you.
Jim: Truthfully anything would have been better than that prank. [laughs] Oh, text message from my brother. "Pam cool. Welcome to the family."
Pam: Oh. Hey how about at Thanksgiving we prank Tom about being bald?

 

Darryl: This is the last of it. 
Michael: Oh that's mine actually. Um, maybe put it back in the truck.
Darryl: You're not staying?
Michael: You know I have some things I need to do this weekend. I just remembered, so, I'll just ride back with you.
Darryl: But you want me to put it back in the truck.
Michael: I'll be down in just a second. [into house] Holly?

 

Michael: So um... I think I'm gonna go back with Darryl [Holly hugs Michael] Okay. [they kiss goodbye.] Goodbye.
Holly: Okay. Bye.

 

Darryl: I know it's hard Mike. Break-ups hurt.
Michael: We didn't break up.
Darryl: Looked like it. Sometimes when I'm down like this, it helps to sing the blues.
Michael: Okay.
Darryl: [bluesy] Da na na na na... da na na na na...
Michael: That's a really pretty song. 
Darryl: Da na na na na. No, no, check it out, look. Da na na na na... want to do that?
Michael: Okay.
Darryl: That's when you hit me with what's getting you down, okay?
Michael: Okay.
Darryl: Da na na na na.
Michael: Da na na na na.
Darryl: Da na na na na.
Michael: Da na na na na.
Darryl: No, wait. You're, you're supposed to... Never mind. Da na na na na.
Michael: Da na na na na.
Darryl: Da na na na na.
Michael: Da na na na na.
Darryl: Da na na na na!!
Michael: Da na na na na!! 
Darryl: Da na na na na .
Michael: [deeper] Da na na na na.
Darryl: Yeah! Da na na na na.
Michael: [deeper] Da na na na na.
Darryl: YEAH! Da na na na na.
Michael: [blues singer] Da na na na na...

 

Andy: [Whistling, enters office in farmer overalls] I thought I'd come in casual today. Man, I'm hungry. Anyone else feel like a beet?
Dwight: Where did you get those?
Andy: What, these? Bernard Farms. Best beets in the state.
Dwight: I see what you are doing. But I do not know where you are going with this.
Andy: Well you will. Soon as you visit, my new beet farm. [attempts to bite into a raw beet, beet is too hard] You're supposed to cook these, aren't you?
Dwight: [scoffs] Cornell. [easily bites into a beet]