오피스 시즌 3 - 11화 대본

Season 3 - Episode 11
"Back From Vacation"
Written by Justin Spitzer
Directed by Julian Farino

 Jim: All right, let's get started. Umm... Oh, first off, we're supposed to be pushing cardstock this week. So... let's push cardstock this week. Uh, also... [to Dwight] what is this?

Dwight: Tape recorder. 
Jim: For what?
Dwight: For recording. Michael is on vacation and he's asked me to record all meetings and to type up the transcripts.
Jim: OK. Uh, Karen, any news from that law firm? 
Karen: Yeah, the deal closed yesterday, it's the six month commitment. 
Jim: Oh my God, Dwight, what're you doing?
Dwight: What? 
Jim: You're not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office. 
Dwight: I'm not.
Jim: Dwight, you know what, just back up, okay, that's making me uncomfortable. This is sexual harassment, by the way. Oh my God! He's got a knife!
Dwight: I do not have a knife!
Jim: No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?!
Dwight: [leans into tape recorder] Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar!
Jim: [picks up tape recorder and speaks into it] Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby's bonnet.
Dwight: Give me it. I am not. 
Phyllis: Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in! Dwight, get his autograph for Michael quickly... 
Dwight: Jim Carrey did not just walk in, OK.
Karen: Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?
Jim: Oh my God, Karen, you're right, that is Animal from the Muppet Babies.
Dwight: You can't see... You can't see my stomach.

Andy: I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in!

 

Michael: Hey, mon!
Pam: Hey. You have a bunch of messages and... [sees Michael shaking head with beads in hair] that's nice. Hannah quit while you were gone. I guess she memo-ed to file some complaints she had about being a working mother? And so you might also have to be deposed. 
Michael: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Relax. 
Pam: OK.
Michael: Just relax, OK? I'll get to all of it later. 
Pam: It's kind of serious. 
Michael: Aren't you going to ask me how Jamaica was? Say it. Ask me.
Pam: How was Jamaica?
Michael: It was so good. Oh, Hey mon! At Sandals, Jamaica, when somebody says "Hey mon," everybody says "Hey mon" back.

Stanley: Oh, Michael, I'm glad you're here.
Michael: Stanley. You know what? It is really good to see you, too.
Stanley: My bonus check was a hundred dollars less than you promised.
Michael: OK, well payroll is in charge of all that.
Stanley: They said I should talk to you.
Michael: Well, I am just getting settled in. So, I'm gonna... 
Stanley: I am not doing a lick more work until I get my full bonus check.
Michael: You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon.

 

Jim: You want to talk about it?
Karen: Nope.

 

Karen: I still haven't found an apartment yet. I'm living in a hotel. Yesterday, I saw a "for rent" sign down the street from Jim and he said he didn't think it'd be such a good idea. He said it would be like we were living together. In different houses. Two blocks away.

 

Michael: Feelin' hot, hot, hot! [playing conch shell] Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing. 
Pam: That's good. [Michael continues to play conch shell]
Michael: You know, I had never been out of the country before now?
Pam: Huh.
Michael: Got to see how Jamaicans live. It is great, you know. They just relax, they party all the time. 
Pam: It's kind of an impoverished country.
Michael: Yeah... Gosh. Great. You know what, Pam? Make a note. I want us all to start having pina coladas every day at three.
Pam: But you can't today, we're doing inventory.
Michael: Inventory's at the end of December. 
Pam: We couldn't do it without you, so we postponed. 
Michael: I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it.

 

Michael: Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans? 

 

Michael: Tonight, we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder Mifflin warehouse inventory. So, Party Planning Committee, get on it. 
Angela: By the end of the day? That's impossible. 
Michael: The Jamaicans don't have a word for "impossible."
Jim: Yep, it's English, it's "impossible."
Angela: Michael, there's no way we can do it in time.

 

Michael: How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need.

 

Michael: Come on in. Settle in. Settling. Settling... and settled. Good, there is something I would like to show everybody. See this sign? [points to a TV monitor of a picture from Jamaica and reads] "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem." This is an attitude I would like all of you to have right here. So what, if we have to stay late to do inventory? No problem.
Pam: Oh my God. Is that Jan? [points to same monitor] 
Everybody: What? Where?
Pam: On the left.
Everybody: Oh yeah, oh my God.
Michael: No, no, no. No, that's a German woman named Urkel Grue.

 

Michael: Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it can get us both in trouble. So officially, I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning. That's all I'm gonna say. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan.

 

Michael: [on phone] Hey dude. I just got back from Jamaica. 
Packer: Big whoop! I was in Hot-lanta. That whole town is whacked. 
Michael: Yeah, that sounds amazing. You know what? The lady Jan Levinson wanted to go to Montego Bay. 
Packer: You took the ice queen? I don't buy it.
Michael: Well I'm looking at a photo, right now. And I'm telling 'ya, could be in Maxim. 
Packer: They wouldn't give you a subscription to Maxim. 
Michael: Oh no? 
Packer: No.
Michael: OK. Well, check this out. I am sending you some email. You got it?
Packer: Well, no. I got nothing. 
Michael: Check it again. Hit refresh.
Packer: Yeah, Mike, still nothing. 
Michael: OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at... [reading computer screen] Packer@DunderMifflin.com. Packaging@DunderMifflin.com. Uh oh. 
Packer: Wait, I just got it from somebody else. Wow. This is hot. Damn! How do I get you out of this picture?

 

Michael: Darryl?! Hey. Hi. Where's Darryl? 
Roy: He's in the office.
Michael: OK, Hey, man, how's it going? 
Darryl: All right, what's up Mike?
Michael: That's great, OK. Um, so did you get an email from me?
Darryl: Yup.
Michael: OK. Well, that was supposed to go to Packer, not "packaging." Did you already, um, forward to a whole bunch of people? 
Darryl: Uh huh.
Michael: OK. Um, well, did you get the second email that I sent? Explaining that the first email was a mistake and that you should delete it. 
Darryl: Yup.
Michael: And you sent that out to everyone?
Darryl: Mike, I'm very busy down here. [eats chicken]

 

Jim: Yikes.
Kevin: Already sent it to you my friend. 
Jim: Fantastic. 
Andy: Boring. Call me if she rolls over.

 

Pam: Hey. 
Jim: Hey. 
Pam: You OK? 
Jim: Yeah. 
Pam: You sure?
Jim: Yeah. Yes. Um, I'm just in this, like, stupid fight with Karen. 
Pam: Oh. You want to talk about it?
Jim: Really?

 

Michael: I have a special assignment for you.
Dwight: Who's the target?
Michael: A sensitive email has been released to the office. It contains a file, a picture. The file name is "Jamaican Jan Sun Princess."
Dwight: What's it of? 
Michael: Not important.
Dwight: Unless you're willing to tell me everything, I cannot accept this assignment. 
Michael: OK, forget it. 
Dwight: OK, I accept it.

 

Jim: So, I dunno, I just feel likes we've been dating a month, right? Same street. I think that might be a little close. A little much. 
Pam: Hmm.
Jim: Hmm, what? 
Pam: How far away does she live now, like ten minutes? 
Jim: Yeah, I guess. 
Pam: Honestly, I think you should go easy on her.

 

Pam: No, I didn't mind helping Jim with his problem. That's what friends do. I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair. So, yeah. 

 

Jim: Hey, thanks a lot. 
Pam: Oh, don't worry about it. I mean, it's better than listening to Michael play a conch shell... which is what I was doing. Oh, also, Michael went to Jamaica with Jan!
Jim: Oh, yeah, How have we not talked about this already? I mean what happened there? Kidnapping? [both start laughing]

 

Toby: Hey I need to talk to you right now.
Michael: Not now, not ever.
Toby: About you and Jan.
Michael: Aww, none of your business. 
Toby: Wish it were true, but it, it uh, seems from that photo that you took, you've entered into an intimate relationship. 
Michael: That photo is my personal property and if you are telling me you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am going to call the cops. 
Toby: Michael, nine different people emailed me that photo, including my ex-wife... we don't talk now. 
Michael: This is probably the icebreaker you need. 
Toby: You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR.
Michael: I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you? Skeevy little perv.
Toby: All right, if you're having a relationship with your superior, you must disclose it. 
Michael: No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that. Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on earth. Got enough, weirdo?
Toby: All right, thanks Michael.
Michael: OK. 

 

Angela: OK, we only have three hours people to plan a whole luau, and you're not helping.
Karen: What are the ingredients of poi?
Phyllis: I called every grocery store in Scranton, and no one sells whole pigs.
Angela: Did you try the petting zoo?

 

Pam: [on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just a second. Michael, it's Jan on the phone for you.
Michael: Oh, God, no. No, no! Hang up! Hang up! Tell her I'm not here. Tell... tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat.
Pam: He'll call you back. OK, great.
Michael: She bought it? [Pam nods] OK. OK.
Dwight: [to Jim and Ryan] Michael hit a deer?

 

Dwight: Michael! Michael! [pokes head through blinds in Michael's office] There's an emergency in the warehouse.
Michael: There an accident? Somebody hurt?
Dwight: No, it's... involves the photograph.
Michael: Oh. God. No, no, no, no, no. 

 

Roy: [starts clapping] Mike, you are a rock star, man. You are the man! Well done.
Michael: All right. [continued clapping and cheering for Michael]
Roy: That corporate booty, he likes to hit it!

 

Michael: Hello. Hi. Attention everyone. Um, apparently, there is an email circulating around that contains a very PG-13 rating picture of me and a woman---
Kevin: Jan.
Michael: No, Kevin. A woman. Maybe Jan, maybe... 
Jim: Urkel Grue.
Michael: My point is that, if you get it, I would ask that you just delete it. Sight unseen. Let's be professional, all right?

 

Michael: Feelin'... feelin' hot, hot, hot! [plays conch shell]
Pam: Hey.
Michael: Hey.
Pam: What are you doing out here?
Michael: Island living. You know?
Pam: Jan called. She's coming in later to talk to you.
Michael: Did she say what it's about?
Pam: That's all she said. 
Andy: Ole ole - ole ole... Ole ole - ole ole. People in the party - hot hot hot [playing conch shell]

 

Jim: Uh, I think you dropped this [hands over piece of paper]
Karen: You sure?
Jim: Definitely.

 

Dwight: I have disconnected the office T1 line. I have ordered that that [referring to large picture of Michael and Jan in Jamaica on the wall] be taken down and destroyed all print outs from the bathroom. 
Michael: There are copies in the bathroom? 
Dwight: There were. A lot of them.
Michael: All right.

 

Karen: I think I owe you one.
Pam: Sorry?
Karen: For talking sense into Halpert. The Day's Inn room 228 was starting to get really depressing.
Pam: Oh, yeah, no. Don't worry about it. I mean, he was being ridiculous.
Karen: Yeah, but... thanks. Seriously.
Pam: Sure. 

 

Darryl: Oh, yes! Yes! What'd I tell you? I knew he'd turn up [holds up an iPod inside speakers] You see that? This is the greatest night of my life. 

 

Dwight: Who did this to you? [refers to Pam crying] Where is he? 
Pam: What? No, it's not... it's nothing. 
Dwight: [takes off coat to tie around waist] It's hot in here.
Pam: Yeah.
Dwight: Yeah.
Pam: [Dwight hands out handkerchief] Thanks. You don't need to stay here.
Dwight: I know. [puts arm around Pam who continues to cry] So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh?

 

Jan: Hello everyone. Hello Michael.
Michael: Guh.
Kevin: Hi Jan, you look... tan.
Jan: I was in Scottsdale visiting my sister.
Kevin: Yeah. How was it?
Jan: Very sunny. Family's important. Michael, I would like to speak with you, in your office.
Michael: OK, yup.

 

Jan: Why am I here, Michael?
Michael: I... 
Jan: In the last year, I've gone through a divorce, an identity theft, a husband who would not... communicate. This is nether here or there. My psychiatrist thinks that I have some self-destructive tendencies and that for once, I should indulge them. You following me? 
Michael: I... I... Yes.
Jan: I think I owe it to myself to find some kind of happiness, you know? I mean, even, even if it means... lowering my expectations or, or redefining the word, itself. 
Michael: OK, yeah.
Jan: This is the kind of thing, you know? I am... attracted to you. I, I don't know why, I... but, I am. And, I need to follow my instincts. At least that's what Dr. Perry thinks. 
Michael: Who is Dr. Perry? I... 
Jan: This is the point, OK? You're wrong for me. In... In... every way. But I still find myself wanting to... be with you.
Michael: And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well. 
Jan: Good, good. 
Michael: So, umm... thanks for coming by. So, I, uh... 
Jan: Well, good, OK. Thank you... for taking the time... 
Michael: Well thanks for coming over, I appreciate - [Jan leans over and kisses Michael passionately]
Jan: Wait 15 minutes, find an excuse, and meet me at your condo. 
Michael: Jan, you... complete... me. 
Jan: Oh, God.

Roy: Hey, remember when we were planning our honeymoon and you wanted to go to Hawaii and I wanted to go to Mexico?
Pam: Yeah.
Roy: I was definitely right. [both laugh] Oh, brother.

 

Kevin: What am I going to do? [Refers to large pictures of Jan and Michael] I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art. [smirks]