오피스 시즌 8 - 19화 대본

Season 8 - Episode 19 
"Get the Girl" 
Written by Charlie Grandy 
Directed by Rainn Wilson 
Original Air Date: March 15, 2012 
Transcribed by Erica

 

Pam: [telephone ringing] This is Pam. Oh my God, are you sure? Uh, okay. Okay, um, we’ll be right there. Everybody, the balloon is falling. 
Kevin: Nice.

 

Pam: There’s this balloon that has been floating in the rafters of the warehouse for, like, ever. And, okay, it’s not -- it doesn’t sound cool. You just have to see it.

 

Pam: Well, I guess it doesn’t look that cool either. But, it’s been up there a long time, so it’s become a pretty big deal.

 

Jim: Wow. It’s the end of an era. 
Pam: Did a good job, Buddy. Now it’s time to come home. 
Oscar: I remember when that balloon went up there. I was still with Gil. We were so happy.
Kevin: When that went up there, I had hair like Rapunzel. 
Ryan: How long do you think it’s been up there, Kevin? 
Kevin: I just remember pushing aside my silky bangs to say, “Look, a balloon.” 
Dwight: My warcraft clan was still on speaking terms. 
Meredith: My kid didn’t have a face tattoo. 
Darryl: I was still thinking of going back to school. 
Jim: And I was still just a paper salesman. 
Dwight: Well this has been fun, Pam. Thanks for calling us all down here. [everyone sighs]

 

All: Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. [pops loudly] [cheers and applause]

 

Jim: Hey. So they accidentally gave us an extra egg sandwich this morning. Who wants it? 
Kevin: oooh 
Darryl: Me. 
Phyllis: Yeah. 
Dwight: Right here. 
Nellie: Allow me to solve your problem, then. 
Jim: Nellie 
Nellie: Mmm. [bites sandwich] Oh, that is disgusting. Do you call that a King James breakfast pie? 
Jim: What brings you to town? 
Nellie: Certainly not the Harry Houdini Museum. What a nobody. Oh look, some Hungarian just found their way out of a sack. Let's build a shrine. No, I've come to work here. 
Dwight: What?

 

Dwight: How could Robert transfer Nellie here after the Sabre store debacle? She stinks of failure. The fact that she could show her face around here is an embarrassment. I should know. I'm in an identical situation.

 

Toby: Robert did say you'd be joining us. Welcome. I'm Tony. 
Nellie: Mm. 
Pam: What? 
Toby: I- I said I'm Tony. Okay I made a mistake. I thought it might go unnoticed. But uh, I'm Toby. 
Pam: You messed up saying your name? 
Toby: It happens, okay? Uh, so let's just find an empty desk for you, and uh, I'm sure Robert will be with you as soon as he gets in. 
Nellie: That one looks empty. 
Jim: No, that's Andy's office. 
Nellie: Oh, is it?

 

Nellie: I have one simple philosophy in business: if the seat is open, the job is open. It's how I came to briefly race a formula one car. The three slowest laps ever recorded.

 

Erin: Another beautiful day in Tallahassee. Ooh. Good morning, Alonzo. 
Alonzo: Good morning Erin. [driving by delivering newspapers] 
Erin: How are you? How's your family doing? 
Erin: Bye.

 

Erin: Look at this place! Five rooms, and I get to clean them all. That's right. I'm a maid for an old lady. Her grandson's staying with us too because he ran out of money. [chuckles] Listen to me, bragging away.

 

Robert: Nellie. 
Nellie: Robert. 
Robert: How are you adjusting to life in Scranton so far? 
Nellie: So far, so good. 
Robert: Good. 
Nellie: Water pressure in the hotel is marvelous. 
Robert: Ah, well, it is astounding what a difference that can make, isn't it? 
Nellie: Mm-hm. 
Robert: Now. Let's find you something fun to do here, shall we? 
Nellie: Oh, I've already found it. I am manager, a natural next step. It fits like a glove. 
Robert: We have a manager. 
Nellie: Do you really? Because it is 10:00. I've been in this chair for an hour, and no other manager has come and sat in my lap.

 

Robert: Excuse me, has anyone seen Andy this morning? 
Kevin: Huh. Yeah, that's weird. He's usually here by now. Right guys? 
Andy: [on phone] Hello. 
Robert: Andy, it's Robert. Why aren't you at work? 
Andy: Hey, Robert. Ah, I really wish I could come in to work today, but I'm super sick. 
Robert: I don't care, I don't care. Please come to work immediately. 
Andy: Okay, I'll try to come in even though I'm really sick with the...

 

Andy: [standing in ocean] ...Florida Flu.

 

Robert: He just hung up on me mid-sentence.

 

Andy: I'm in Florida to get Erin. As soon as I heard she wasn't coming back to Scranton, I jumped straight in my car and drove straight down till I hit the ocean. My heart is my map. Turns out, Tallahassee is about 200 miles inland, so I overshot a good amount. But still, not bad for a heart map right? [picking up dead fish] Oh, no. Thanks a lot, BP.

 

Robert: Not much we can do about this until he gets here. 
Jim: Can't you do something about this? 
Robert: Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves, Jim. 
Jim: -Right.

 

Jim: What is going on? And where's Andy? And what is going on?

 

Irene: Erin, you got a package. 
Erin: I'm in the bathroom. 
Glenn: Where's the postage? I mean, there's no shipping label. 
Irene: Did you wash your hands? 
Erin: Yes. 
Erin and Irene: [screaming as Andy busts out of box] 
Andy: [singing] Here I am; Signed, sealed, delivered; I'm yours! 
Erin: Andy, what are you doing here? It's great to see you.

 

Andy: Uh, I am here to take you back to Scranton. Because I love you and I want to be with you. 
Irene: Where's the ring? 
Andy: Hm? 
Irene: Where's the ring, Lancelot? 
Erin: Uh, would you guys mind if we talked privately for a second? Sorry, Glenn. 
Erin: Um, Andy... I am so happy to see you. But I'm not coming back with you. 
Glenn: [whispering off screen] Why won't she go with him? 
Irene: [whispering] I don't know. Maybe it's 'cause he's not that handsome. 
Erin: Hey... don't listen.

 

Nellie: So what is going on? That does seem to be the question, doesn't it? [in American accent] Hey, this is messed up, bro. Who is this weird lady? [normal voice] I know. It's a lot. So, who knows what's going on? Anyone? You, yes. Wait, I am very good at intuiting names. Is it... chumbo?

 

Jim: I think it's a cross between Dumbo and Jumbo, with a hint of chubby. It's not a name.

 

Nellie: So no one can tell me what's going on. Well, let me illuminate things for you. We are getting to know each other. [in American accent] But why, m'lady? [in normal voice] Because I am your new manager. 
Pam: Robert, is Nellie our new manager? 
Robert: [laughs] This is an odd situation. But it's very interesting how it's playing out.

 

Robert: We live in this world of routines and rhythms. Kevin ate someone's lunch. Phyllis has a new necklace. Who is this woman?

 

Nellie: I came in here simply trying to get to know you, learn your names, maybe have someone teach me the company song. And what I got in return was nothing but disrespect. You leave me no choice but to get to know you in a more intimate way. 
Kevin: Hot tub party? 
Nellie: Performance reviews. 
Pam: How can you give us performance reviews if you don't know us? 
Nellie: On first impressions, so I recommend smiling. It goes a long way with me.

 

Glenn: Erin, you really nailed the hot dogs today. 
Erin: Oh, thanks. I've been re-using the hot dog water so it gets more flavor. It's only going to keep getting better. 
Irene: So, Andrew, how does your skinny brunette girlfriend Jessica feel about you visiting your ex-girlfriend? 
Andy: Well, we're not really dating anymore, so... basically, I mean, I just have to cross a few Ts and dot a few I's, you know. 
Erin: So you came to get me, but you still have a girlfriend. 
Irene: I think you should leave, young man. 
Andy: All right. Technically, yes, I am still technically dating Jessica. But when I realized that I wanted you back, I just jumped in the car and I drove down here, and I didn't want to stop until I saw you. 
Erin: You didn't even stop to pee? Gross.

 

Jim: Any luck? 
Pam: No. He just keeps letting all the calls go to voicemail. 
Andy: [on phone message, singing] Please leave a message for Andy Bernard, include your na-

 

Erin: Oh, you're doing so good. Oh my God, you're superman over there. [Andy's phone vibrating] 
Irene: You should take it. It's probably your girlfriend wondering where you are. 
Andy: Nope. It's just work. Not important. You know, I can really feel this is my quads, I can tell I'm getting stronger. 
Irene: You really wouldn't feel those kinds of results after one session. 
Andy: I don't know. [phone vibrating] Just let it vibrate. It's fine. 
Irene: You could put it on silent. 
Andy: I don't think it does that. 
Irene: Just go to preferences, then click – 
Glenn: [answering Andy's phone] Proctology. 
Jim: [on phone] Andy? 
Andy: Jim? 
Jim: Andy, where are you? 
Andy: I- I'm home in bed. I've been in bed all day. I got the-- I got the serious poops, man. 
Irene: He's here in Tallahassee, trying to turn my life upside down. 
Jim: What? You're in Florida? Andy, Nellie Bertram's trying to take your job. 
Andy: What do you mean, take my job? 
Jim: Like, set up camp in your office and is calling herself the manager. 
Andy: Okay... Jim, I really appreciate you looking out for me, but I'm not coming home without Erin. So I'll talk to you later.

 

Jim: Guys, we cannot do these performance reviews, okay? If we go into them, you're basically accepting Nellie as your manager, and trust me, you do not want her as your manager. 
Angela: Trust you? The way Pam trusted you to provide for her so she wouldn't have to work? 
Pam: I like working here. 
Jim: Dwight, should she be our manager? 
Dwight: I wouldn't let her manage a celery farm.

 

Dwight: Those who can't farm, farm celery.

 

Jim: And when was the last time Dwight and I agreed on anything ever? [clears throat] 
Nellie: All right. Let's get going. First up, it is the woman with the beautiful fingernails and the tiny feet, Phyllis. 
Phyllis: Nellie, I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable being evaluated by someone I don't know. 
Nellie: Oh. Oh, okay. I understand. Let me show you how these are gonna go. Dwight. 
Dwight: I refuse to be judged by someone that I do not respect. I lost respect for you in Florida. If it was up to me, you would be in jail forever. 
Nellie: Dwight, I have completed your evaluation. You're getting a raise. 
Dwight: What? 
Nellie: Dwight, you carry this company on your massive shoulders. You are our Atlas, and for that do you not think you deserve a raise? 
Dwight: There's no limit to what I think I deserve. 
Nellie: Then you accept it? 
Dwight: Five percent. No less. 
Nellie: Absolutely not. Seven percent. 
Dwight: Six percent, I know my worth. 
Jim: The raise isn't real. 
Dwight: Money isn't real ever since we got off the gold standard. 
Nellie: So Phyllis, now you know the rules of the game. Would you care to have a go? I'm fairly certain you're going to like it. 
Pam: Phyllis. 
Phyllis: Pam.

 

Nellie: So, Phyllis, I have been very impressed with you. 
Phyllis: Really? 
Nellie: Oh, yeah. The way you conquered your fear and came in here, and now the way you sit there... all very impressive.

 

Jim: Um... are you aware that Nellie is giving out raises? 
Robert: I am not. Huh. 
Jim: Yeah. She gave one to Dwight, Phyllis. 
Robert: Let me guess, you want one too? Take the family to Disneytown? 
Jim: Land. World. Uh, it's not that I don't want a-- well, yes, I guess I'd take a raise. That's not what I'm saying. That's not-- sorry. 
Robert: Jim, I told Andy to come in, and yet he is still not in. By contrast, Nellie Bertram saw a vacuum and filled it. To make no mention of her business experience or her relationship with Jo Bennett, my boss. 
Jim: Yes. 
Robert: Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor? 
Jim: Oh, god, nature, please. 
Robert: When two animals are having sex, one of them... 
Jim: [exhales sharply] 
Robert: … is communicating a message to the other. Nothing is mutua-- this isn't very helpful. You're gonna want to hear the sexual metaphor. 
Jim: Was that not the-- 
Robert: All life is sex. And all sex is competition. 
Jim: Mm-hm. 
Robert: And there are no rules to that game. That wasn't so perverted, now was it? 
Jim: Was that it? No, that wasn't bad. 
Robert: My point is, there is one person in charge of every office in America, and that person is Charles Darwin. In the end, doesn't he decide who the manager is? 
Jim: No. I would've said no.

 

Nellie: Mm, let's see, review, review, review. Yes, good stuff. Here you go, have a raise. 
Kelly: Oh, great.

 

Jim: I mean, if we go in there and take these raises, what are we saying? That it's okay for someone to just take someone else's job? Shouldn't work like that. 
Dwight: No, you know what? Nellie's right. That is exactly how it should work. Darryl, this office is mine now. 
Darryl: No. 
Dwight: Yes. 
Darryl: No. 
Dwight: Yes. 
Darryl: No. 
Dwight: Yes. 
Darryl: No. 
Dwight: Yes. 
Darryl: No. 
Dwight: Yes. Yes, sorry too late. I'm here. This is mine. Back off. 
Dwight: [Darryl grabbing him by his hair, dragging him from office] Ow! Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, Ow. 
Dwight: [panting] Well fought. I accept the outcome. 
Creed: Touch me and I'll sue.

 

Erin: I've heard that's amazing when it works. 
Andy: Yeah, if I had my own-- 
Erin: Andy, I care about you and I think-- 
Andy: --sorry, you go. 
Erin: No, go ahead. 
Andy: Well, I was just going to say that, if I had my own fountain, it would be two frogs that are spitting into each other's mouth. It's just stupid. What were you going to say? 
Erin: Andy, you broke my heart. Do you know what it feels like to be constantly rejected by you and to have to watch you date someone else? 
Andy: You broke my heart too. 
Erin: You broke my heart more recently and more often. And I think at some point, in my head, it just sort of clicked that we're not meant to be. 
Andy: I'm so sorry that we have not loved each other at the same time. 
Erin: I know. 
Andy: [sighs]

 

Nellie: So, Pamela, I'm going to start this review, not by telling you what you lack, but rather, asking you what it is you want. 
Pam: Really? Okay, well, um, I like consistency in the manager's position, no weird silent coups. Stuff like that. I'm easy. 
Nellie: That's not really what you want. What you want is a good night's sleep, working mother of two. 
Pam: Whoa, that's kind of condescending. Would you say something like that to Jim? 
Nellie: Does Jim have to breastfeed? Did Jim carry around those babies for-- what is it? 12 months? Be honest, does Jim really get up in the night? 
Pam: Well, I mean, the only reason he doesn't is because I'm breastfeeding, and Phillip doesn't like a bottle. 
Nellie: You must be exhausted. Fancy a nap? 
Pam: No. 
Nellie: Go on. Have a nap. Lie down right here. There's a blanket in here. I used it earlier myself. Dreamt I could breathe underwater like Jacques Cousteau. No one will know. I'll wake you up. And when you wake up, you will earn more money. 
Pam: I think... you're a witch. 
Nellie: I think you're amazing. You know that, right? Go on, say it: “I'm amazing.” 
Pam: [drowsily] I'm amazing. [sighs]

 

Irene: Erin, I think you're making a big mistake right now. Andy is a nice boy. 
Erin: Really? 'cause you've been kind of a B to him all afternoon. 
Irene: I was protecting you because I thought he was no good. But I can tell you really like him. And he's willing to lose his job for you, in this economy with Europe on the brink-- 
Erin: Irene, what would you do without me? 
Irene: We're not your concern, sweetheart. Besides, Glenn's going to sue Home Depot. 
Erin: Why? 
Irene: He got his foreskin caught in some lawn furniture.

 

Nellie: Jim, time for your review. 
Jim: No, it's not, because you don't really work here. 
Nellie: Why are you so staunchly defending your friend, who has abandoned you? Wouldn't you rather come talk with me? Maybe definitely get a raise? 
Jim: Yeah, that's the thing. I don't know if you can even give raises. 
Nellie: Jim, have you ever heard of a character named Tinkerbell? 
Jim: Yes. 
Nellie: I'm Tinkerbell. 
Jim: No. 
Nellie: Mm-hm. I'm a magical fairy who floated into your office to bring a little bit of magic into your lives, to give you all raises. 
Stanley: And we are grateful. 
Nellie: But here's the thing about Tinkerbell, Jim. Everyone has to believe in her or she doesn't exist. 
Jim: She dies. 
Nellie: She dies! Now who here believes in Tinkerbell? 
Jim: Let's see it. Show of hands. 
Kevin: I do. [applause] Come on everyone... 
Jim: All right, guys, stop. 
Meredith: I already spent the money. 
Jim: How? 
Kevin: Come on Jim, you're killing her! 
All: We believe! We believe! 
Robert: Look at this wonderful recognition of Nellie's leadership. I believe. [applause continues]

 

Andy: That did not go how I wanted it to. Ugh. I have a whole ton of Erin's favorite food for the drive back, eggplant parm. [tosses it out car window] It's biodegradable. Animals will eat it. 
Erin: Andy wait! [running down street] Andy! Andy wait! Don't go! Andy I love you! Stop! Oh, this is the wrong Prius. I don't love you. I’m sorry. 
Andy: Erin! 
Erin: Andy. [horns honking as they kiss in the street] 
Erin: Let's get out of here. 
Andy: Okay. 
Erin: Let's go. 
Andy: Wait, we have to go back and get your stuff. 
Erin: No, I don't have any stuff. 
Andy: Like your toothbrush and stuff. 
Erin: I don't have one. 
Andy: You don't have a toothbrush? 
Erin: No. 
Andy: How do you not have a toothbrush? 
Erin: I just... there's always one around. 
Andy: You just use whichever one is sitting there? 
Erin: I always find one. Have you ever heard of buying a toothbrush? 
Andy: Of course. I own my toothbrush.

 

Nellie: I grew up poor. I had little formal education. No real skills. I don't work especially hard, and most of my ideas are either unoriginal or total crap. And yet, I walked right into a job for which I was ill-prepared, ill-suited, and somebody else already had, and I got it. If you ask me, that's the American dream right there. Anything can happen to anyone. It's just random.