페어런트후드#Parenthood 시즌 4 - 12화 대본

4.12 - Keep On Rowing
Transcript by Craig Best

This is a Beta copy

please contact me for any corrections or additions

[Opening scene - The Braverman ladies are having a night out, Kristina and here sisters are dancing and drinking. People chattering, yelling as Rapper's delight plays.]

JASMINE: Yeah!

SARAH: Work it out! Work it out!

JULIA: Work it out!

KRISTINA: [Laughter]

TOGETHER: [Other ladies as Kristina does the splits.] Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. 

[Cheers and applause as the toast the night.]

[NEW SCENE - Short time later they are at a table.]

KRISTINA: [Hysterical laughter]

SARAH: He's like, oh, handkerchief. I mean, I don't know what I'm doing. It's--there's something about him that's kind of compelling. But...

KRISTINA: Who?

SARAH: What am I doing? My boss.

KRISTINA: Mark is so cute, but he's like a puppy. He's still forming.

SARAH: He's not a puppy!

KRISTINA: He's so cute!

SARAH: Why do you say that? Hank is a man.

KRISTINA: Man! Hank's a man!

SARAH: I mean, but he also has like a past and an ex and all that heavy--

JASMINE: As do you.

SARAH: I know, but it was fun to be with somebody who did not have all that stuff, you know.

JULIA: But it's kinda nice to have someone who is experienced.

KRISTINA: Have you talked to him? Have you said--

SARAH: Hank? No, we go to work together, and then we end up in bed. It's like a not-normal thing.

KRISTINA: Who has a bigger schlong?

JASMINE: [Laughter]

SARAH: That's all we care about.

JULIA: That's right! Now we're talking.

KRISTINA: I need to say this. You have to say to him, “look, Hank…”

SARAH: I'm already so-- afraid of you. What? Yeah?

KRISTINA: “Take me out and...”

SARAH: “Like a lady.”

KRISTINA: “Buy me dinner like a lady.”

ALL: Yeah!

KRISTINA: You deserve a man--

JASMINE: Exactly.

SARAH: But he's already paying my salary. So you know where you're at with that. So I guess he feels like I'm taken care of already.

KRISTINA: He needs to respect you.

SARAH: I know, you're right. Yeah! For sure.

KRISTINA: Beautiful queen that you are.

SARAH: Oh. That's the thing. It's like does he respect me? Or…

[The conversation comes to an end as some of Kristina's hair comes off in her fingers. The ladies look at each other, unsure what to say.]

KRISTINA: That is something.

JULIA: You know what? It's about time you started getting rid of some of that.

KRISTINA: That is.

SARAH: Well, you were being rowdy and you were dancing. So you know, it's just like--

JULIA: Too much hair on that head.

SARAH: Yeah. Do you wanna go? Should we go now?

JULIA: Yeah.

SARAH: I think maybe we should go.

JULIA: 'Cause-- I'm good.

[NEW SCENE - Later that night Kristina stands in her bathroom looking in the mirror. She picks up an electric hair trimmer and starts cutting off her hair. Smiling as she removes her hair.]

[Opening credits - featuring “Forever Young” by Bob Dylan]

[NEW SCENE - Kristina stands over Adam who is asleep in their bed.]

KRISTINA: Adam! Honey, wake up. [He mumbles but doesn't respond.] Adam!

ADAM: What? [He looks up at her.] What the hell? [Objects clatter on the nightstand as he turns on the light.]

KRISTINA: I did it.

ADAM: [Laughs]

KRISTINA: I did it.

ADAM: Whoa. Uh.

KRISTINA: What do you think?

ADAM: Wow. For a second, I thought that... Never mind.

KRISTINA: You thought that what?

ADAM: You look great. [Kristina starts crying.] What? No, Kristina, it's just I was startled.

[Makes her way to the bathroom.]

KRISTINA: Shut up!

ADAM: I was aslee-- honey, you look beautiful. You look fine.

KRISTINA: Shut up!

ADAM: Honey!

[NEW SCENE - Rizzoli Photography, Hank and Sarah are working, Hank looks over to Sarah.]

HANK: Hey. What do you got, the Goldberg?

SARAH: Mmhmm, yeah.

HANK: The Bar Mitzvah? This is the long lens stuff.

SARAH: Mm. Yes.

HANK: Thought it came out real good.

SARAH: Mmhmm.

HANK: Couple of little funny-looking kids.

SARAH: Mmhmm.

HANK: [Laughs]

SARAH: [Laughing] You should, you know, ask me out sometime. You know.

HANK: What like what, on a date?

SARAH: 'Cause otherwise, you know, we're here...

HANK: Right.

SARAH: And sometimes we're there. [Point up to the apartment.]

HANK: Right.

SARAH: And you know, it's-- I'm looking at the Goldberg. I mean, it's just weird.

HANK: Uh, this is a little weird.

SARAH: No, this is weird!

HANK: Yeah.

SARAH: 'Cause--'cause this is weird.

HANK: But okay. So we'll go on a date. So I should--like should I ask you out on a date? Is that how--

SARAH: Do I have to do everything?

HANK: All right, all right. All right, go back.

SARAH: Okay.

HANK: Do your thing.

SARAH: [Singing] Doo doo-doo doo-doo

HANK: Hey, uh, Sarah.

SARAH: Yeah?

HANK: How you wanna go out like to a restaurant or something?

SARAH: Oyes, okay.

HANK: Okay. Thursday maybe?

SARAH: Thursday?

HANK: Uh, whenever you wanna go.

SARAH: Are you busy-- you got a lot going on for Sat-- Thursday's fine. Okay.

HANK: All right. Is that it?

SARAH: You have to make a plan.

HANK: Yeah, okay. Oh, where are we gonna go?

SARAH: Where are we gonna go?

HANK: We're gonna go to the place that you have in your head already.

SARAH: Okay. [Laughs]

HANK: So...7:00-ish?

SARAH: You have to make some decisions.

HANK: Yeah, let's go 7:00.

SARAH: Okay. I'll wear a dress.

HANK: I'll buy something. I'll buy something new.

SARAH: Hmm.

HANK: This'll be fun.

SARAH: Yeah.

HANK: Yeah.

SARAH: Thank you.

[NEW SCENE - Crosby eating breakfast at home, Jasmine watches.]

CROSBY: Mm. Mm. Good pancakes.

JASMINE: Glad you like 'em.

CROSBY: What?

JASMINE: [Sighs] My mom lost her job.

CROSBY: Really?

JASMINE: Yeah.

CROSBY: When?

JASMINE: Just before the holidays.

CROSBY: Wow.

JASMINE: Yeah.

CROSBY: Is she okay?

JASMINE: I think so. But, uh, she needs to borrow money.

CROSBY: Mmhmm. How much?

JASMINE: Like 5... Thousand.

CROSBY: 5,000?

JASMINE: Yeah.

CROSBY: Jasmine, 5,000?

JASMINE: I know, I know it's a lot.

CROSBY: She drive a Bentley that I don't know about? What did you tell her? 5,000 bucks?

JASMINE: I told her I have to talk to you. Just... Think about it, okay? Just take a day and think about it. Please?

CROSBY: Okay. I'll think about it.

JASMINE: Okay.

CROSBY: These were butter-me-up pancakes, weren't they?

JASMINE: Maybe a little.

[NEW SCENE - School yard, Julia walks with Victor and Sydney to the car.]

VICTOR: We got our math tests back.

JULIA: Okay. Well, you studied really hard. I'm proud of you for that. Maybe we can just shoot for doing a little better next time. You know?

VICTOR: We can do better than that?

JULIA: 93? You got 93%? [She hugs him.] Oh, my God!

VICTOR: 93? Isn't that like an "A"?

JULIA: Yes, that is absolutely like an "A".

VICTOR: Never really gotten an "A" before.

JULIA: Oh! That's incredible.

VICTOR: Can we show it to my mom?

SYDNEY: You just did.

VICTOR: Not her, my real mom. I wanna show her how good I'm doing.

JULIA: How well you're doing.

VICTOR: Can we please?

JULIA: Um, we can talk about it.

VICTOR: Okay.

[NEW SCENE - Luncheonette, Crosby and Adam walking to the lunch area with food.]

CROSBY: I guess I thought, worst-case scenario, maybe she's gonna need $800.

ADAM: Yeah.

CROSBY: Or $1,000. $5,000! That's what it's gonna take to get her out of this hole. I mean, we have the money technically, but--

ADAM: Well, if you have the money then what's the big deal?

CROSBY: Well, I just-- I don't wanna set a precedent where I give her $5,000 this month, and then next month she needs another 4,000 or 5,000. I don't know.

ADAM: Yeah. Well, all right, listen to me. First of all, you gotta stop thinking about this like it's a loan. Okay?

CROSBY: Yeah.

ADAM: This is a gift.

CROSBY: Oh, I'm…

ADAM: Don't expect to see it again.

CROSBY: …now we've moved already to "I'm giving it to her."

ADAM: Yeah.

CROSBY: It's a gift?

ADAM: With your friends, it's a loan. But with family, it's a gift. I learned that the hard way.

CROSBY: From...

ADAM: Loaning you money.

CROSBY: Oh, really?

ADAM: Mm-hmm. Turned out to be a gift.

CROSBY: Well, no, I'm not dead yet. You might get that money back. I don't wanna give her a $5,000 gift.

ADAM: All right, look. Crosby, listen to me, seriously. All right? This is family. When you married Jasmine, you married her family. Now her problems are your problems whether you like it or not. And obviously Renee really needs this money or she wouldn't ask. And obviously Jasmine really wants to give it to her. So do not rock the boat. This is family, you know? It's the right thing to do.

[NEW SCENE - Kristina at the meat counter in her market, her newly bald head covered by a bandana.]

CARLOS: Ground beef. There you go. Have a good day. Next!

KRISTINA: Hey, Carlos. Um, hmm. Let's see...

[He doesn't recognise her at first.]

CARLOS: Kristina, what can I get you today?

KRISTINA: Um, let me try five Italian Turkey sausage, and also let's do 2 pounds of lean ground beef.

CARLOS: Um, 2 pounds of lean ground beef. 5-pounds Italian sausage.

KRISTINA: Sure.

CARLOS: All right.

[Kristina notices a customer staring at her before turning to the other man behind the counter.]

MAN: Here you go.

WOMAN: Thank you [She walks off.]

[NEW SCENE - Adam knocks on the bedroom door before entering. Kristina is on the bed with her laptop.]

ADAM: Hey.

KRISTINA: Hey.

ADAM: Mind if I come in?

KRISTINA: Yeah.

ADAM: You doing okay?

KRISTINA: [Deep sigh]

ADAM: Huh?

KRISTINA: I'm all right.

ADAM: You sure?

KRISTINA: I just had sort of a crummy day. Everywhere that I went today, everybody looked at me like I was some sort of a freak show. You know Carlos, our butcher?

ADAM: Yep.

KRISTINA: He looked at me like I had leprosy, like he was gonna catch it. I just had to get out of there.

ADAM: It's just startling. People just need a little bit of time to get used to it.

KRISTINA: Startling for who? For--okay, don't do that. Don't do that.

ADAM: Don't do what?

KRISTINA: I don't really care about other people's feelings right now, I don't.

ADAM: All right. What about--what about Max?

KRISTINA: Max loves it. He says I look like Bane from the Batman movie.

ADAM: Listen, honey.

KRISTINA: Adam, I just--

ADAM: This is a part of the process. This is a tough part of the process. We knew it was gonna be like this.

KRISTINA: Is it?

ADAM: Yeah.

KRISTINA: It's part of the process?

ADAM: Your hair is still in there. It's gonna grow back.

KRISTINA: You don't understand, okay?

ADAM: Then help me understand.

KRISTINA: I thought this whole thing would be so, you know, transforming and liberating, and I would feel this sense of freedom. And going out the other night like I was a normal human being and hanging out with your sisters and just-[tearing up] just like we used to, you know?

ADAM: Okay. It's okay to let loose a little bit, all right?

KRISTINA: Okay, I get it. Thanks.

ADAM: Listen, try not to be hard on yourself.

KRISTINA: I'm not, okay? You don't need to lecture me.

ADAM: I'm not trying to lecture you. I just don't want-- I just don't want you to-[She gets up off the bed.] Kristina, I'm on your side.

KRISTINA: I know you're on my side, okay?

ADAM: I don't know what to do. Please don't be mad at me.

KRISTINA: Honey, I'm not mad at you. I'm just going to the bathroom.

ADAM: All right.

[The door closes, Adam looks at the laptop screen, its on a website selling wigs.]

[NEW SCENE - Victors room, he is on his bed with a toy, Julia and Joel are sitting on the other end.]

JOEL: So, we wanna to talk to you about your math test, and how proud we are of you and excited, and of course we understand that you wanna tell your mom about it. But we have to, um, clear something up.

JULIA: Um, this is--this might be tough to understand, so just--we'll keep talking until we get it all worked out, okay?

VICTOR: Okay.

JOEL: Okay.

JULIA: All right.

[Julia and Joel look at each other.]

JOEL: Okay, so here's the thing. Um... Victor, you can't... Talk to your mom.

VICTOR: Why not?

JULIA: Well, because... You know, in the past, you've stayed with families for a little while, and then you've gone back to your mom.

VICTOR: Foster care.

JULIA: Right.

JOEL: Right.

JULIA: This is something different where now we've adopted you, and... You know, we're your parents, and I'm your mom.

VICTOR: But you're not my mom.

JOEL: Okay, buddy, I know this is difficult. Um... But this is the way it is.

JULIA: We're not the ones making this decision, okay?

JOEL: Okay.

JULIA: This is, um... The court decided this because of her substance abuse.

VICTOR: I know I can't live with her, but why can't I just be friends with her?

JOEL: I know this doesn't seem fair.

VICTOR: It's not fair! And you know it.

[NEW SCENE - Wig shop, Sarah is helping Adam choose one for Kristina. Sarah is wearing a wig/cap.]

SARAH: High society?

ADAM: No.

SARAH: Allure.

ADAM: No.

SARAH: Chicago!

ADAM: No.

SARAH: Temptation.

ADAM: Where's that one?

SARAH: Up in the corner.

ADAM: No.

SARAH: You know what? I got it. I know what it is.

ADAM: What?

SARAH: I'm feeling it. It's colonial man. Huh?

ADAM: Sarah.

SARAH: Come on, colonial man! Yes! Yeah! [Laughs.]

ADAM: All right.

SARAH: It's awesome.

ADAM: Put that back.

SARAH: [Laughing.] Oh, my God. I think we should just bring her here. It's too hard to do without her.

ADAM: She's embarrassed to leave the house. I just wanna do something nice for her, you know, and I feel like maybe we shouldn't be trying to be creative. We should just find something that looks like her and help her feel normal again. So.

SARAH: Yeah.

ADAM: Maybe we should just look for something that looks like her hair.

SARAH: Yeah. Well, I think we're--

ADAM: Troll, really?

SARAH: I think we're in the wrong aisle in that case.

ADAM: Thank you for taking that off.

SARAH: Let's go over in the next one.

ADAM: Alright.

SARAH: I'm buying it. Don't get me wrong.

ADAM: Don't embarrass me.

SARAH: Okay, here, we've got some blondes. How about Barbie? That's cute. Little bit sassy.

ADAM: Well, she's not... You're trying to make her look like a hooker.

SARAH: It's like Jane Fonda. And Cool…

ADAM: Hey, right here! Look at this! This is perfect. Look at that!

SARAH: Uh--

ADAM: That's it. That looks just like her hair, doesn't it?

SARAH: Does it?

ADAM: Yeah. Doesn't it?

[NEW SCENE - Evening, the Graham family at having dinner, Victor pokes at his food.]

VICTOR: Can I be excused?

JOEL: Finish your broccoli first.

VICTOR: I don't like it. It's gross.

JOEL: Okay, um, just clear your plate then.

[Victor puts his plate on the kitchen counter.]

SYDNEY: He didn't put it in the dishwasher.

JULIA: I know, Syd.

SYDNEY: And he's supposed to put his placemat away.

JULIA: Yeah, it's fine. He has a lot of homework tonight.

SYDNEY: Well, why did he turn on the TV?

JOEL: Syd, don't worry about it.

SYDNEY: Do I have to finish my broccoli?

JULIA: Sydney, you like broccoli.

SYDNEY: I don't feel like broccoli.

JULIA: [Snapping] Will you shut up and eat it, please?

SYDNEY: You're not supposed to say "shut up."

JOEL: [Softly to Julia.] Hey.

[NEW SCENE - Evening, Crosby comes home.]

CROSBY: Hello!

JASMINE: Hey.

CROSBY: Hey. I'm so sorry I missed dinner.

JASMINE: It's okay.

CROSBY: That session just went crazy long. Where's the boy?

JASMINE: Doing homework.

CROSBY: Oh, okay. Um... Listen, I've been thinking about your mom, and, um... I basically decided that I think we should help her. I mean, when I married you, I married your whole family. I think we should give her the money.

JASMINE: [Sighs] Thank you so much for saying that.

CROSBY: Yeah. It's the right thing to do. So.

JASMINE: But it's a lot worse than I thought. I sat down with her today, went over her finances, and it's a mess. Between rent, utilities, and credit card bills, 5,000 won't even make a dent.

CROSBY: Okay, so what are we supposed to do?

JASMINE: Option one is to give her the money. But that won't last, and we'll be back in the same situation a month from now.

CROSBY: Okay, and then option two is what?

JASMINE: She can come stay with us.

CROSBY: In this house?

JASMINE: Yes, in this house.

CROSBY: You, that's option two is your mom lives in this house?

JASMINE: Yeah, well, we have a spare bedroom.

CROSBY: That's not a spare bedroom. That's my space where I do things, okay? They're creative. It's not a spare bedroom.

JASMINE: Honey, I think you can live without your man-cave for a month or two.

CROSBY: For a month or two? How long you think she's gonna live here?

JASMINE: I'm just saying. It'll only be temporary until she gets back on her feet.

CROSBY: Okay, listen to me. I love your mom. I do. She's a beautiful woman. But we cannot have her living her. She's gonna take control of everything. We're gonna have prayer circles and crucifixes and all the--

JASMINE: She'll be out looking for a job.

CROSBY: Why doesn't she move in with Sekou?

JASMINE: Because he doesn't have room.

CROSBY: How could he not have room? He's one person, we're three!

JASMINE: Look, it's not gonna be that bad. I think it'd be great. She can help with Jabbar.

JABBAR: Grandma's moving in with us? Awesome!

[NEW SCENE - Adam arrives home is a happy mood.]

ADAM: Kristina? Got you a little something today.

KRISTINA: Hey. I didn't know you'd...

ADAM: Just a little something to hold you over.

KRISTINA: Be home early.

ADAM: Here you go. No big deal.

KRISTINA: Thanks.

ADAM: Yeah, you bet. [She opens the plastic carry bag.] What do you think?

KRISTINA: [Scoffs]

ADAM: You don't like it?

KRISTINA: It's-- it's a wig.

ADAM: Yeah.

KRISTINA: Yeah.

ADAM: I saw you looking for them on the Internet, so I thought I'd save you the trouble and pick one up for you.

KRISTINA: Wait a second. Is this what you think my hair looks like? Are you kidding? This is a joke.

ADAM: No, I--

KRISTINA: Honey. Honey, this is like pathetic. It's like a hooker wig. [Puts it back in the bag.] I mean, really. It's bad. It's really bad. I don't know how-- how much did you spend on that?

ADAM: $250.

KRISTINA: Ugh. You better get your money back. That's for sure.

ADAM: You know what? I made a mistake.

KRISTINA: It doesn't make any sense to me. Why would you buy me a wig? If you think that I look this disgusting, obviously you wanna cover me up. So this is more for you than it is for me.

ADAM: That's not what this is.

KRISTINA: No, it actually is.

ADAM: I think you look beautiful.

KRISTINA: Adam.

ADAM: I thought this was something that you wanted.

KRISTINA: Please admit to me that you hate that I look sick.

ADAM: I don't hate the way you look.

KRISTINA: Honey, when I woke you up the other night in bed, you freaked out.

ADAM: I think you look beautiful.

KRISTINA: You freaked out!

ADAM: I was asleep.

KRISTINA: You're lying to me. I don't look beautiful.

ADAM: Kristina, I am not lying.

KRISTINA: Stop saying that.

ADAM: I got this for you.

KRISTINA: Stop it!

ADAM: Okay! All right!

KRISTINA: I have a port-a-cath in my chest. I have bruises all over my body and scars. My head is bald.

ADAM: I know you do and you're beautiful to me.

KRISTINA: Stop it!

ADAM: Hey!

KRISTINA: Stop it!

ADAM: Honey, I'm not the enemy here.

KRISTINA: Just take it back!

ADAM: I got this for you.

KRISTINA: Just like-[crying] you got it for me or for you?

ADAM: You know what, I'll take it back.

KRISTINA: Take it back. I don't want it.

ADAM: I will take it back.

KRISTINA: And you should tell me when you're coming home early.

KRISTINA: [Sniffling]

ADAM: I'm sorry, honey.

KRISTINA: [Crying]

[NEW SCENE - Luncheonette, Adam's office he stands up.]

ADAM: All right Amber.

AMBER: Yeah? Yo.

ADAM: Amber.

AMBER: Yes, I'm here.

ADAM: Make sure these go out with those packages, okay?

AMBER: Okay, all right.

ADAM: I gotta go to the bank, then I gotta get back for the-- my 2:00 is cancelled. When did that happen?

AMBER: I don't know. I mean, things get cancelled.

ADAM: I was supposed to meet with the manager of the Prairie Blasters.

AMBER: It's the way of life. Well, listen, I mean... Are you upset that you have a free day now?

[They start leaving his office.]
ADAM: No, I just don't understand how all of a sudden I don't have anything to do for the rest of the day.

AMBER: Well-I could find some menial task…

[Heading down the stairs. Crosby enters through the back door.]

ADAM: [To Crosby.] Hey. What are you doing?

CROSBY: You don't even, you know what? You don't even wanna talk to me right now.

ADAM: What? You can't-- what are doing? What, are you having a garage sale?

AMBER: Cool!

CROSBY: [Knocking something over.] Damn it! I'm not having a garage sale.

AMBER: How much is-

CROSBY: I had to move everything out of my art room because Renee's moving in, and that is your fault.

ADAM: Wait, wait, wait. How is this my fault?

CROSBY: I'll tell you exactly. You advised me to take a weak position, so I went in there and I said, "your family's my family. Here's $5,000." And she sensed the weakness and then she attacked. And now I have Ren-- what are you-[Too Amber.] I lost the room I do my stuff in.

AMBER: I'm sorry.

ADAM: [Laughing]

CROSBY: You think that's funny too?

AMBER: You can do it in my apartment.

ADAM: Do what?

CROSBY: Who's the creative engine of this place, you? [To Adam.] Are you the creative engine? [To Amber.] Are you?

AMBER: Clearly not.

CROSBY: [To Amber.] You might one day be, but you're not yet. Help me.

ADAM: You can't leave this here. I can't help you. My whole afternoon is booked.

[NEW SCENE - Braverman kitchen, Sarah enters from the back door carrying 2 green canvas bags of groceries'.]

DREW: Hey.

SARAH: Hi, honey. What are you having?

DREW: Orange juice.

SARAH: What's this?

DREW: Oh, um, nothing. I was messaging Mr. Cyr about the colleges.

SARAH: No, it's okay. I mean, I know what it is. It's just shocking to see. Wait a minute. That's New Year's Eve.

DREW: Mom, don't look at it.

SARAH: Well, I can't not look at it now, 'cause it's New Year's Eve.

DREW: I know, but it's literally- it's like the teachers had a New Year's Eve thing.

SARAH: Who is that? Who is that?

DREW: The art teacher. Mrs. Ocker.

SARAH: She's kissing him on the cheek.

[Drew closes the laptop.]

DREW: Because everybody kisses on the cheek on New Year's Eve. It's a like a life rule that you don't look at Facebook at these times.

SARAH: I know, I know.

DREW: I saw Amy, you know, holding her niece with like some guy one time. It's the worst.

SARAH: Is he dating her? Just tell me.

DREW: [Laughing] No, he's not dating her.

SARAH: Okay, that's all.

DREW: It's New Year's.

SARAH: Okay.

DREW: [Exhales]

[NEW SCENE - Luncheonette, Adam at his desk when Amber comes rushing in.]

AMBER: Uncle Adam, you're not gonna believe this!

ADAM: One second.

AMBER: You're not gonna believe this!

ADAM: What? What?

AMBER: Marlyse is downstairs. She called the fire department.

ADAM: Are you serious?

AMBER: There's a fire truck down there. There's an ambulance. She said she's calling the cops.

ADAM: I got it, I got it, I got it…

AMBER: All right, all right, all right, come on. Deal with it she's…

[NEW SCENE - Outside the Luncheonette, Kristina is waiting next to a car.]

KRISTINA: Hi.

ADAM: [Laughing.] Kristina, what are you doing?

KRISTINA: I am so incredibly sorry, Adam. I have been treating you so horribly, and I know that you were just trying with the wig. And even though it was an awful wig, I just love the fact that you tried. So I'd like to make it up to you. Okay? Um, tonight, I have a great night planned. I rented this awesome limo, and I got us a room at the Sterling hotel which is really, really fancy. And I'd like to spend the night with you as husband and wife, not husband and patient. If you'll have me, I would like to go out on a date with you.

ADAM: I would love to go out with you.

KRISTINA: Yes. [Laughing, clapping] Thank you. I'm sorry.

ADAM: Come here.

[They kiss.]

KRISTINA: Love you.

ADAM: I love you.

KRISTINA: We're gonna have such a good time.

ADAM: I can't believe you did this.

KRISTINA: I did it.

ADAM: I love it. You look great.

KRISTINA: You like my wig?

ADAM: I love it.

KRISTINA: It's kind of crazy.

ADAM: Yeah, it's gonna feel like being with, uh, you know--

KRISTINA: With your wife.

ADAM: Yeah, with my wife.

KRISTINA: With your wife.

ADAM: Exactly.

KRISTINA: There she is, my accomplice.

ADAM: Hey.

AMBER: Whoo! How about an Aperitif?

ADAM: The accomplice.

AMBER: For the drive.

KRISTINA: Yes.

ADAM: Yeah, and the acting award goes to... Very, very crafty, you two.

KRISTINA: Yes, uh-huh. She did so much.

AMBER: You look amazing. You guys have so much fun!

ADAM: I can't believe this.

AMBER: I'm gonna get some video, guys, I'm gonna get some video. Okay? All right.

ADAM: All right.

AMBER: Big smiles.

ADAM: Here we go.

ALL: Whoo!

[NEW SCENE - Graham house, Sydney enters the kitchen area.]

JULIA: Hey, tell your brother dinner's almost ready, okay?

SYDNEY: Okay.

JULIA: Thank you.

[Sydney goes outside where Victor is using a baseball tethered to a poll.]

SYDNEY: Dinner's almost ready.

VICTOR: So?

SYDNEY: Can I try?

VICTOR: No, just leave me alone.

SYDNEY: Who's your real mom?

VICTOR: What?

SYDNEY: Well, you said you wanted to show your test to your real mom. Who is she?

VICTOR: What's it to you? Just be quiet.

SYDNEY: Did she do something bad?

VICTOR: No.

SYDNEY: Well, at the schoolyard, they say she's in jail.

VICTOR: She's not in jail, stupid!

SYDNEY: Well, if she's not in jail, why doesn't she come see you?

VICTOR: Just... Shut up!

SYDNEY: Your mom must not love you. Your mom doesn't love you 'cause you're a bad kid.

VICTOR: Would you just leave me alone?

[Sydney screams as Victor tosses the bat hitting the glass door behind where she is sitting.]

JOEL: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Are you guys okay? [To Sydney.] Don't move!

VICTOR: Slipped out of my hand.

JULIA: Are you out of your mind?

VICTOR: It was an accident.

JULIA: Get in the house!

VICTOR: I slit slipped out of my hands.

JULIA: Get into your room, please, right now.

SYDNEY: [Crying]

[NEW SCENE - Crosby working on the ceiling fan in Renee's new room.] 

CROSBY: God.

JASMINE: Aw, she'll really appreciate that. The noise and the breeze help her to sleep.

CROSBY: That's great, honey. I really want her to think she's on a cruise ship while she's here so she doesn't leave.

JASMINE: Crosby, I know you're not happy about the situation, but you really don't have to take it out on me.

CROSBY: Who should I take it out on? Jabbar? You made the decision.

JASMINE: What--

CROSBY: You railroaded me.

JASMINE: No, I didn't.

CROSBY: You didn't?

JASMINE: No!

CROSBY: I don't remember inviting her to move in. I think that was you. You went straight to the nuclear option. We could've gotten her a cheap place to live.

JASMINE: She's my mother. She's not some problem you throw money at.

CROSBY: You know what? This is my house. I wanna be able to come home from work and walk around in my underwear without bumping into her in the hallway and feeling awkward. This is my space, okay? She's invading it.

JASMINE: First of all, this is our place, okay? Second of all, quit acting like she's some kind of monster. She's my mother! She loves you, she loves Jabbar, and she needs our help. So get over yourself.

CROSBY: [Scoffs as he tries the fan switch.] Great.

JASMINE: Is that my fault too?

[NEW SCENE - Fancy restaurant, Sarah and Hank sit at their table.]

HANK: This is a good place. This is--you can tell it's fancy, 'cause I think the maitre d' is Gerard Depardieu. And the salad's...$17. That's what I'm talking about. If I'm gonna wear a tie, I wanna pay double digits for a salad. It all looks pretty good though. What are you gonna get?

SARAH: Trout. Trout. I think I'll just get the trout.

HANK: Fish. You're gonna get fish... At a steak place. Really? That's like going to the zoo to see the pigeons. What's going on?

SARAH: Hmm?

HANK: What's up?

SARAH: I'm sorry, I have something on my mind and I feel bad. [Sighs]

HANK: Well, what?

SARAH: I was on Facebook today, and I saw a picture of Mark with a girl, and it just really, uh, was shocking. And I, you know, it could be something. It could be nothing. It's none of my business. But it hurt my feelings, and it's on my mind. I'm sorry. [Exhales] Let's start again.

HANK: You're on Facebook?

SARAH: [Laughing] Well...

HANK: Look, what? You were thinking of your ex-boyfriend.

SARAH: Fiancé.

HANK: Yeah, whatever. It's--people get jealous. I'm divorced ten years. Whenever I go pick up my daughter and... There's another guy with my ex, I don't like it.

SARAH: Really?

HANK: No. It's human nature.

SARAH: Thanks.

HANK: We should go.

SARAH: What? No, not--don't let me- it's just, that was just was the only think, it was on my mind.

HANK: No, not that. It's just this place. I don't like the lighting. I don't like the smell. It's like a mausoleum in here.

SARAH: I don't like it either, I thought it would be more fun.

HANK: Look, what's that guy got on his... He's sending wine back.

SARAH: Really.

BOTH: We don't belong here.

SARAH: I feel bad though.

HANK: No, we're leaving.

SARAH: Okay.

HANK: You know what? We're taking this.

SARAH: No.

HANK: Put it in your hair.

SARAH: Okay. Thanks.

[NEW SCENE - Kristina is in the bar re-doing her makeup as she waits for Adam, rock music plays as a guy walks up and sits at the next chair. Kristina is unsure what is happening at first.]

GUY: Hey, hey! Are you here for the Napte thing? Aren't you so glad it's not in Tulsa this year? Ugh! That was a snooze fest. Got stuck with this trio of Chardies. I'm so glad it's in Frisco. I mean, what an amazing city. The food, the people, the wharf, Alcatraz, Presidio park.

KRISTINA: All of it.

GUY: It's like come on. I'm Luke, by the way. Nice to meet you.

KRISTINA: I'm Jennifer.

LUKE: What do you do, Jennifer?

KRISTINA: Uh, actually, I am in management. I have a small company, um, you know, three employees. Doggie that runs in the office.

LUKE: What? How old are you? That's awesome.

KRISTINA: 20 I just turned 27.

LUKE: No way. I just turned 27.

KRISTINA: Stop!

LUKE: Yeah! I love your hair by the way.

KRISTINA: Really?

LUKE: Yeah, I love it. It's gorgeous.

KRISTINA: I just got it colored.

LUKE: It's an amazing color on you.

KRISTINA: Wow. That's really nice to hear.

LUKE: I-I have this thing.

KRISTINA: Yeah.

LUKE: When I first meet someone, I like to pick out the one thing I love about them, then I compliment them on it.

KRISTINA: Oh, my God, so smart.

LUKE: It's a sales thing.

KRISTINA: That is such a great--

LUKE: Yeah.

KRISTINA: You're in sales.

LUKE: I'm in sales, exactly.

KRISTINA: Get outta town. I would've never guessed that.

LUKE: I'm almost the top dog in my sales group. If I win-- me and this other guy are neck and neck-- I get to go on a trip next month.

KRISTINA: Where?

LUKE: Scottsdale, Arizona.

KRISTINA: One of the best places ever.

LUKE: I know! It's like the Beverly Hills of Arizona.

KRISTINA: It's it is the Beverly Hills of Arizona.

LUKE: That's what I've heard.

ADAM: Excuse me.

LUKE: No, we're good. Thank you. [Kristina smirks but Luke doesn't stop.] So this hotel-- the amenities at this place are amazing.

KRISTINA: Really?

LUKE: All Kiehl's products, which is great... So that'll be--

KRISTINA: Luke...

LUKE: Oh.

KRISTINA: This is, um... [They kiss] Mm. My husband Adam.

LUKE: I am l'm embar-- ah!

KRISTINA: It's okay. [Shows him her wedding ring.]

LUKE: There it is. There's the--

KRISTINA: Married.

LUKE: So sorry. I didn't, um--

ADAM: Oh, honey, I think I-

KRISTINA: I think you should probably kick his ass.

ADAM: Think I should kick his ass?

LUKE: No!

KRISTINA: Luke. Luke, we're kidding. I just--I just wanna tell you you just made my day, okay? I'm really a housewife with three children.

LUKE: Three kids!

KRISTINA: Yeah.

LUKE: You put three in there? Congrats to you.

KRISTINA: I'm 34, not 27.

LUKE: Wow.

KRISTINA: Yeah.

LUKE: Well, you look amazing.

KRISTINA: Thank you.

LUKE: You both look amazing. Do you use the Kiehl's products? 'Cause I've heard that Kiehl's products--

KRISTINA: You know what I'm gonna-- I'm gonna do you a favor, okay? Laura!

LUKE: Great smile too. It's crazy.

LAURA: You guys need something else?

KRISTINA: I'd like you to meet my friend Luke.

LAURA: Hi, Luke.

KRISTINA: This is Laura.

LUKE: Hey, Laura!

LAURA: Nice to meet you!

LUKE: How you doing?

KRISTINA: Tell her about your-- your promotion or your-- what are you gonna do?

LUKE: Oh, my gosh. If I win this trip...

KRISTINA: Oh, yeah.

LUKE: Trip to Scottsdale. Az.

LAURA: Shut up! I'm from Arizona.

LUKE: You're a zonie.

LAURA: I am.

KRISTINA: Shut up.

LAURA: Just outside of Tempe.

KRISTINA: Shut up.

LAURA: How wild is that?

LUKE: You--prove it!

LAURA: Driver's license. Wanna see it? I'll show you my driver's license. But you have to not make fun of my picture.

LUKE: Okay, all right. Let's see it.

KRISTINA: Oh, my God!

ADAM: Wow, honey.

KRISTINA: I still got it.

ADAM: Yeah, you do.

KRISTINA: I got it. That made me feel so happy.

ADAM: I'm gonna get you out on the dance floor before somebody else gets it, come on.

KRISTINA: All right, come on.

ADAM: Let's do it!

[NEW SCENE - Joel enters his bedroom, Julia is waiting on their bed.]

JOEL: All right, that's done. Hopefully, he'll go to sleep at some point.

JULIA: Did he say anything?

JOEL: Oh, just that he's sorry and he thinks you hate him.

JULIA: He could've seriously injured Sydney.

JOEL: Honey, it was an accident.

JULIA: It was a metal bat.

JOEL: Yes. It was a metal bat.

JULIA: What was he thinking?

JOEL: Believe me, he knows he did something wrong, and he knows how pissed off you are at him.

JULIA: You're saying I'm overreacting to this?

JOEL: I think that once this all calms down, I think he just needs to know from you that it's the behavior you're upset with and not him.

JULIA: What does that even mean? No, they're not separate things. You judge people by their actions.

JOEL: Okay, well, his action was an accident. And so he's going to learn from that accident.

JULIA: I think we have a much bigger problem than you're admitting here.

JOEL: And what's that?

JULIA: That our child… one of our children was seriously endangered by our other child, and I don't know what to do about that. I don't know if we can live like that.

JOEL: Okay.

[Julia shakes her head in disbelief.]

[NEW SCENE - Hanks apartment, he is sitting with Sarah on the floor picnic style for their date, they are playing a card game.]

SARAH: Okay, ready? And go!

HANK: Does the…

SARAH: Okay, you take it. You go!

HANK: Does speed matter?

SARAH: Yes, yes! That's what's exciting about the game, go! Ah! It's mine! Okay, go!

HANK: We need to make something exciting, because--

SARAH: [Laughing] It's the highest card wins. [Grunts]

HANK: There's no strategy to this game. Whoever invented this game…

SARAH: What do you mean there's no strategy? It's, you…

HANK: The person who invented the game, he had a short day that day.

SARAH: [Laughing]

HANK: He just came in and said, "all right, we need another game."

SARAH: Seven beats six!

HANK: I don't even...

SARAH: It's a classic! It's a classic.

HANK: Let's just drink some more. How about that?

SARAH: Oh, man!

HANK: A little more.

SARAH: What do you got going on here? [Reaching for his glasses.] Can I see this for a second? Let me see.

HANK: Why? What do you mean? Oh, this is not good. This is gonna be-- this is gonna end up horrible.

SARAH: Why? I just wanna see what we're dealing with.

HANK: I can't-- I don't see anything now. Is this your glass?

SARAH: Oh, wow. Wow! You know what?

HANK: I can't see. I can hear you. That's all. That's one thing. I will never lose you. 'Cause...

SARAH: What do you mean you'll never lose me?

HANK: Well, because I could always follow the sound.

SARAH: Hmm.

HANK: Like I don't like listening to people. I also don't like looking at people

SARAH: hmm.

HANK: I don't know if you've noticed that.

SARAH: I have.

HANK: Eye contact is not one of my favorite things. Yet with you... I find it hard not to look in your eyes.

[Sarah moves over to kiss Hank.]

HANK: What are you doing Saturday?

[Sarah smiles.]

[NEW SCENE - Hotel room, Adam is in the bathroom, getting ready for his night with Kristina. Talking under breath he is wearing a robe and boxer shorts.]

ADAM: You want some of this body tonic?

KRISTINA: Okay.

ADAM: Yeah, it says it, uh... Cleanses and energizes.

KRISTINA: That's good.

ADAM: I'm feeling energized.

KRISTINA: All right!

ADAM: All right. You ready for this?

KRISTINA: Yeah.

ADAM: Think you can locate the Johnson file?

KRISTINA: Honey, you look so awesome. Wow.

ADAM: You wanted this job.

KRISTINA: I like it.

ADAM: Are you okay?

KRISTINA: Sexy. Yeah. I'm ready to go to Funkytown.

ADAM: Honey, you don't look good. What is it?

KRISTINA: [Sighs]

ADAM: What?

KRISTINA: Babe, I'm so tired.

ADAM: Okay, all right. It's all right.

KRISTINA: I'm so sorry. No, I suck.

ADAM: Let's just get you to bed.

KRISTINA: I suck so bad.

ADAM: It's all right.

KRISTINA: I just--

ADAM: It's okay.

KRISTINA: I hit a wall. I really did. I was ready to go like six minutes ago, and then I just hit a wall.

ADAM: You feel sick?

KRISTINA: No, I don't feel sick. I just--

ADAM: All right.

KRISTINA: I'm just so tired.

ADAM: Okay. Here's what we're gonna do.

KRISTINA: What?

ADAM: Get you some water.

KRISTINA: No, no, no, no, no. 

ADAM: What?

KRISTINA: Don't do this. It's like $12 a bottle.

ADAM: Don't worry about it. Here you go.

KRISTINA: You're awesome.

ADAM: Before you go to bed, have some water.

KRISTINA: Honey, you're so awesome. I'm sorry. I'm such a tease. [Takes a drink.] I'm sorry, babe.

ADAM: It's okay. Don't worry about it.

KRISTINA: You got all oiled up and...

ADAM: Don't worry about it.

KRISTINA: You have on your Merv Griffin jacket.

ADAM: It's fine. I promise, okay?

[The iPhone chimes.]

KRISTINA: Honey, can you get that, please?

ADAM: Just ignore it.

KRISTINA: No, please.

ADAM: Ignore it.

KRISTINA: I'll sleep better.

ADAM: Just relax, okay? I'll get it. Just you relax.

KRISTINA: I know, I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed. Who was it?

ADAM: It's from Amber.

KRISTINA: Aw.

[Amber is laughing in a video she made earlier.]

AMBER: [Video] Really good.

ADAM: [Video] Bye.

KRISTINA: [Video] Bye.

AMBER: [Video] All right, you kids.

[Adam and Kristina laugh as they watch.]

AMBER: [Video] You guys have fun!

ADAM: Honey…

KRISTINA: That's really sweet.

AMBER: [Video] Not too much fun.

ADAM: You're something else, you know that?

KRISTINA: That wig is hideous. I gotta get rid of this wig. What was I thinking?

ADAM: I like it.

KRISTINA: It's awful!

ADAM: You're beautiful.

KRISTINA: You're nice.

AMBER: [Video] Whoo! Whoo! Ow! Start it!

KRISTINA: Play it again.

[NEW SCENE - Morning, Hanks apartment. Sarah is zipping up her dress as she leaves the bedroom.]

HANK: What are you doing?

SARAH: What are you doing? I woke up, and you were gone.

HANK: Going? Leaving?

SARAH: I thought, I thought you were feeling weird, and you wanted me to go.

HANK: No I mean, no weirder than ever, really. So.

SARAH: Oh.

HANK: Figured you're like a ten-hour a night person.

SARAH: Well, I figured you were like having some, you know, "you" time somewhere.

HANK: No, I was going to Louisa's. Louisa's-- they have these croissants. You gotta get there at 7:00. And you gotta taste these. These are unbelievable.

SARAH: Okay.

HANK: You're staying, right?

SARAH: Yeah, I'm staying. [Smiling]

HANK: All right, so here. Try this. Oh, don't touch it yet. Some people like to, uh-- you can have the coffee-- put jelly on it. And those people, they should be slapped and arrested. 'Cause the way to do it is a little melted butter. I swear to God.

SARAH: [Laughing]

HANK: 'Cause this is just warm enough to kinda melt it.

SARAH: So you got up, uh, early and... Got some treats. You were gonna surprise me in bed, weren't you?

HANK: I don't think that's any of your business what I was gonna do.

SARAH: I see.

HANK: Just taste it. Right?

SARAH: Mm! Mm! So warm!

HANK: Yeah. All right, now get out.

[NEW SCENE - Julia is standing outside Victors room, knocks on the door.]

JULIA: Come on, Victor, buddy. We gotta go. We're gonna be late.

VICTOR: I'm still getting ready.

JULIA: You're getting-- well, let me help you. Here, let me-- Victor, why is the door locked?

VICTOR: I want Joel to take me.

JULIA: Okay, well, Joel has gone to work early this morning already. So... I gotta take you. But it's time to go, okay? Victor, can you open the door, please? Hey, listen, I know you're upset about yesterday. But it's time to go to school, all right? So... Can you talk to me? Victor? Victor?

[NEW SCENE - Crosby backing Jabbar his lunch for school.]

CROSBY: For real?

JABBAR: What?

CROSBY: You're gonna eat this?

JABBAR: Yeah! It's squishy.

CROSBY: All right, I'll believe it when I see it. Last time you took a tangerine to school, it came back and…

JASMINE: We're home!

JABBAR: Grandma!

RENEE: There he is!

CROSBY: [Under his breath.] Okay.

JABBAR: Can you take me to school?

JASMINE: Slow down, sweetie. She just got here. Hey.

CROSBY: Hey. Uh, you need help with the bags?

JASMINE: No, no, no. We got it. Um, Jabbar, get your grandma's bag.

JABBAR: Okay.

RENEE: Thank you.

JABBAR: This is heavy.

RENEE: Good morning.

CROSBY: Welcome.

RENEE: I'm sorry about this, Crosby.

CROSBY: [Sighs] Sorry about what?

RENEE: Come on. I know that I'm putting you out. And I hate it. But it won't be for long. I promise. At any rate, the point is thank you. I appreciate it. You're a good man.

CROSBY: I'm sporadically a good man, but, um…

RENEE: [Laughs]

CROSBY: Thank you and, um, you know, you don't need to be sorry. We're--we're very happy to have you. Um, especially Jabbar. He's through the roof. So mi casa, su casa. Welcome, and I'm happy you're here too.

RENEE: Thank you.

CROSBY: You stay as long as you want.

RENEE: Well, we won't go that far.

CROSBY: Okay. Let me show you what we did with the old lair. Lots of changes.

RENEE: Oh, my! Look at this!

CROSBY: Put in a new ceiling fan for you. I heard that you like it windy and noisy.

[“Mathereal” by Ruu Campbell starts to play as they show off the room. The song continues into the last scene.]

[NEW SCENE - Adam and Kristina leave the hotel, Kristina bald is no longer wearing the wig.]


Episode End