오피스 시즌 3 - 10화 대본 PART A

Season 3 - Episode 10
"A Benihana Christmas"
Written by Jennifer Celotta
Directed by Harold Ramis

 

 

Dwight: Merry Christmas! [holds up dead goose and puts it on Pam's desk]
Pam: Merry Christ--[looks up] NO! Why... why did you bring that here?
Dwight: Don't worry, she's dead. Oh wait. He's dead. 
Pam: Dwight, what uh... 
Dwight: I accidentally ran over it. It's a Christmas miracle!
Pam: Well, get it out of here. 
Dwight: Relax, OK. And because this is Christmas, I am going to roast this goose and prepare it with a wild rice dressing. Do we have any cayenne pepper in the kitchen?
Jim: Merry Christmas Dwight.
Dwight: Jim.
Jim: Wow. What have we got here?
Dwight: What does it look like? 
Jim: Dead goose. 
Dwight: And circle gets the square. 
Jim: All right.
Dwight: [to Pam] So can you watch this? I'm gonna get my carving knife out of the trunk.
Toby: Oh, Dwight, we talked about this.
Dwight: No, Toby, this is different. He's already dead. 

 

Dwight: Once I brought in a duck. To prepare for lunch. And people got upset. Apparently, they got attached to the duck and didn't want to see it killed. 

 

Dwight: He was already dead. And we Schrutes use every part of the goose. The meat has a delicious, smoky, rich flavor. Plus you can use the molten goose grease and save it in the refrigerator, thus saving you a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease. 
Jim: Wow. Win-Win.
Dwight: Exactly. Thank you, Jim.
Phyllis: I like goose. If it's already dead is it so crazy we eat it?
Creed: That's crazy. It's crazy.
Toby: Dwight, you cannot keep that here.
Dwight: Ok, that is ridiculous. And totally against the spirit of Christmas. 
Toby: Come on Dwight. We went over this, like for a half an hour. 
Dwight: It's Christmas Toby.
Toby: It's a dead animal in an office. You can't... 
Dwight: Toby... 
Toby: I'm sorry.
Dwight: [sighs] Please? Please?
Toby: Clean it in your car.
Pam: I would like it off my desk. 
Dwight: Oh Pam. Take a chill pill.

 

Michael: [Riding a bicycle down the hallway and singing] Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa la la la la la la la la. [Struggling to stay on] 'Tis the ... ack. [expletive] Hey! [to Pam] I would like a nice slice of Christmas Pam. Side of candied Pams. And perhaps, some Pam-chops, with mint... 
Pam: Can I help you, Michael?
Michael: I'm looking for the toy drive box. 
Pam: It's behind you. 
Michael: OK... Well, I need to put this bike in there. I hope it'll fit, with all these little knickknacks.
Jim: Wow. What kind of bike is that?
Michael: Umm... I don't know? Average kind?
Kevin: The tires look pretty worn. 
Michael: Well, that is probably from the test drive.
Jim: But the paint's chipping. Is that your old bike, Michael?
Michael: No.
Andy: Yo, Michael, sweet ride Mike.
Michael: Oh, thanks. [Michael and Andy do a fist bump and explosion.]
Pam: Michael?
Michael: Yes? [Pam holds up a bag] Oh Pam, that is so sweet. You didn't have to do that. 
Pam: [hands over bag] I didn't, it's from corporate. 
Michael: OK. Did everybody get one of these? 
Pam: Yup.
Michael: Terrific. Good.

 

Michael: This is going to be the best Christmas ever. My girlfriend Carol is coming to our party tonight, and I have a little surprise for her. [singing] I've got two tickets to paradise! Pack your bags, we're leaving the day-after-tomorrow! Um, taking her to Sandals, Jamaica, all-inclusive. All-inclusive. You know what that means? Right? Yeah.

 

Jim: [Creed takes toy from toy drive box.] Oh, I think you're supposed to put a toy in the box, Creed. 
Creed: And a happy holiday to you. 

 

Jim: [Carol walks through door looking upset] [waves] Carol. 
Carol: Hi, is Michael around here?
Michael: There she is. A Christmas Carol. Hello [kisses Carol] You're about five hours early to the party. You're such a blonde. [laughs] 
Carol: Michael.
Michael: Hey, everybody. I don't know who you haven't met yet, but I think this is one of them. This is my girlfriend - Carol. This is just the front of her. Show 'em, show 'em the other side. 
Carol: [whispers] What?
Michael: Turn around, turn around. Come on. [making a body turning gesture]
Carol: Get outta here. 
Michael: No, you get outta here.
Andy: Michael
Michael: Yes.
Andy: If I may say. She's even prettier that you described her. 
Dwight: [standing up] Oh, ouch. Michael, I don't think there is anything wrong with the way you described her. 
Michael: Thank you. 
Carol: I really need a moment alone with you. [Carol heads towards Michael's office.]
Michael: Not as much as I need a moment alone with you. [puts finger on her back and reaches for her butt] Berp.

 

Carol: What is this? [Holds up a Christmas photo]
Michael: That is my Christmas card. It's a picture of you and me and your kids on a ski trip, having a blast. Ski-sons Greetings. 
Carol: No. See, we never went on a ski trip.
Michael: I know.
Carol: I went on a ski trip. 
Michael: Right.
Carol: Two years ago with my kids and my ex-husband. 
Michael: Yes, but what you didn't realize at the time was that I was with you in a sense. I was in your heart... 
Carol: Michael. 
Michael: And next to your kids. What?
Carol: This is so weird. 
Michael: I don't understand?

 

Jim: It's a bold move, to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father. But then again, Michael's a bold guy. [Towards unseen cameraman] Is bold the right word? 

 

Carol: I think you're a really sweet guy. 
Michael: OK
Carol: But, um, I don't know how to deal with, with this thing [waves Christmas card]. And, and the proposal. And I don't think things are going to work out with us.
Michael: No, no no no Ok, OK, You know what, you're not thinking straight. You know what you need? You need to think this through in [making drum noise] Jamaica's largest fresh water pool. 
Carol: What are you talking about? 
Michael: I got us tickets to Sandals, Jamaica, We leave day after tomorrow. [Carol shakes head in disappointment]. You better find the skimpiest bikini there is. 
Carol: Oh, no. Michael.
Michael: And it's all inclusive. 
Carol: Michael... 
Michael: Yes. 
Carol: I'm sorry.
Michael: No, Carol. You walk out that door and it is over. 
Carol: I know. [Closes door.]

 

Pam: Psst. Jim. [Jim turns around. Pam nods head towards her for him to come over] Um, hey. I need to give you your Christmas gift now because, well, I'll just tell you. 
Jim: What?
Pam: For the past few months I've been sending Dwight letters from the CIA. [hands a folder to Jim]
Jim: Are you serious? 
Pam: They're considering him for a top secret mission. There's his application. Oh, and this is where I made him list every secret he promised he'd never ever tell.
Jim: [Opens folder and reads from Dwight's file] Last year, my boss, Michael Scott, took a day off because he said he had pneumonia, but really, he was leaving early to go to magic camp. Wow.
Pam: So... here's the gift. You get to decide what his top secret mission is. [Jim smiles] Sorry I didn't wrap it. 
Jim: [closes folder] You know what? Uh, I really don't think I should be doing this stuff anymore, you know? 
Pam: Oh.
Jim: No, because of the promotion. 
Pam: Oh yeah.
Jim: It just feels a little bit, like... 
Pam: No, I get it, of course. OK. [holds out hand for folder. Jim gives Pam back the folder.]

 

Jim: I feel like there's a chance for me to start over. And if I fall back into the same kind of things I used to do., then ... what am I doing?

 

Michael: I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is canceled. 
Stanley: You can't cancel a holiday. 
Michael: Keep it up Stanley and you will lose New Year's. 
Stanley: What does that mean?
Michael: Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley.
Pam: Michael, what's going on?
Michael: Carol and I split up. Amicably. And I just don't think it would be appropriate to celebrate under the circumstances. 
Jim: Will they still air 'Rudolph?'
Kevin: That's not fair. 
Dwight: [over everybody else's talking] Are we gonna cancel Hanukah as well?
Michael: Fine! [everybody stops talking] Have your party. Just no guests. 
Phyllis: But we invited guests.
Michael: Well, you know what Phyllis? All of your guests would have probably canceled at the last minute anyway, leaving your life a stupid rotten mess.

 

Michael: Oh, oh, oh, oh, it hurts.
Pam: I know. 
Michael: It hurts my heart. It hurts my stomach. It hurts my arms.
Pam: OK, well, why are you laying like that? 
Michael: [moves a little] Thanks. How did you push away the bad thoughts?
Pam: Like what? 
Michael: Like maybe, the real reason they left was because there were things they wanted you to do in bed, that were, foreign, and scary?
Pam: Well.. um I, I don't... 
Michael: And not that you didn't want to try them. Some wine may have helped. Do you know what I'm referring to?
Pam: I don't need to know.
Dwight: Michael. Sorry to interrupt. Uh, It appears we're one bathrobe short.
Michael: Take it from Toby.
Dwight: Copy. 
Michael: Hey, would you like to go to Sandals, Jamaica with me? 
Pam: No, thank you.
Michael: It's all... [Pam walks away.] OK.

 

Toby: Hey Dwight. Pretty nice robe- [Dwight grabs bag with robe in it and walks away.] Why? 

 

Angela: Phyllis, I need you to pick up green streamers at lunch.
Phyllis: I thought you said green was whorish.
Angela: No, orange is whorish.
Karen: Uh, so I had a couple of ideas to make the Stamford people feel more at home. Each year we have a Christmas raffle ... [Phyllis and Pam nod their heads in agreement].
Angela: It would never work here.
Karen: Ok ... um, another idea was karaoke ... 
Angela: No.
Karen: A Christmas drinking game ... 
Meredith: Yes.
Angela: God help you.
Karen: What?
Angela: These are all terrible ideas and none of them are on the theme of "A Nutcracker Christmas." I think you should leave.
Karen: You're kidding.
Angela: You tried this out, and it's clearly not for you. It's time to go. Come on. [Angela gets up from seat] Please. [Karen gets up and leaves] Thank you. OK, thank you very much. [Angela closes door]

 

Michael: What are you doing? ["Goodbye My Lover" by James Blunt plays]
Dwight: [putting things into a box] We are getting rid of everything that reminds you of Carol.
Andy: Hey, what's the haps? [Dwight shuts door in his face.]
Michael: Carol?
Dwight: Oh, look at this. [looks through papers] Your old condo closing papers. It's riddled with Carol's name. I wish I could throw this in the box. [Michael hits repeat to "Goodbye My Lover" on computer]
Dwight: Why don't you just buy the whole song?
Michael: I don't have to buy it. I just want to taste it. I just... I just want a little taste of it. 
Dwight: Oh, look at this, she saved you two thousand dollars 'cause they failed to report a mold problem. [Continues to sift through papers] But wouldn't that affect the final... How did she? Oh, oh, I see what she did. That is good. Wow. Carol is one smart cookie. 
Michael: [singing] Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. [hits repeat again] 

 

Michael: This is an old adage, but they say when you find true love, you know within the first 24 hours. With Carol, I knew within the first 24 minutes of the second day I met her.

 

Pam: I feel like I've been kinda cold to Karen and there's no real reason for it. I mean it's not like she's ever done anything to me. So, I think I probably shouldn't be cold to her. 

 

Pam: Hey, Karen. Sorry about that meeting today, that was really crazy.
Karen: Yeah, right? I'm so glad you said that. Because, I don't know how those meetings usually go.
Pam: Um, usually like that. 
Karen: Does anyone ever stand up to Angela or..?
Pam: I think one of her cats did once. She came in with scratches all over her face. [both laugh]
Karen: Right. 
Pam: Um, I really liked your karaoke idea. 
Karen: Oh cool, yeah.
Pam: That could really be fun.
Karen: Oh, thank you.
Pam: You guys do a raffle?
Karen: Yeah, we do a raffle... 

 

Toby: Hey Kev.
Kevin: Hey. [Toby puts hand on Kevin's back, who is wearing the robe and feels it a little bit.] 

 

Angela: This should've been up yesterday. [refers to party flyer]
Phyllis: It'll be all right. 
Angela: [Pam puts up another flyer] What is that? [Reads flyer] The "Committee to Plan Parties invites you to a margarita-karaoke Christmas?" There's no such thing as the "Committee to Plan Parties." 
Pam: There is now. We just started it. 
Angela: Well, you just can't start a committee. You have to have funding. 
Karen: What's your funding?
Angela: Two hundred dollars.
Pam: What's ours again?
Karen: Umm, two hundred and one dollars. 
Pam: Oh right.
Kelly: [pointing] Hey, a margarita-karaoke Christmas party, that sounds like fun.
Angela: No, that is not a party. There's only one party and it's hosted by the Party PLANNING Committee and it starts at three o'clock. 
Kevin: Then why are there two flyers?
Karen: Oh, I understand that this is confusing for everyone, let me explain. There's a party that starts at three.
Kevin: Right.
Karen: And then there's a way more fun party that starts at two forty-five. 
Pam: Right, and if you're interested in the way more fun party, all the info can be found here on our more brightly colored flyer. [Angela rips down brightly colored flyer and walks away. Karen rips down Angela's flyer.]
Kevin: I didn't see where it was.

 

Jim: Yup, looks like the Scranton people and the Stamford people are finally coming together. And that's what you want, right?

 

Karen: I think that's a really good option... 
Dwight: Pam and Karen. I am ordering you to cease and desist all party planning. Immediately. 
Pam: You can't do that.
Dwight: As ranking number three in this office, I am order -
Andy: Umm... I'm number three.
Dwight: You're number four.
Andy: Yeah, but I'm number three.
Dwight: Ah, no. [to Pam and Karen] You must turn over to me all Christmas decorations and party paraphernalia immediately that will be returned to you on January fourth. 
Jim: OK, I think I can help here. 
Dwight: Ok, good
Jim: As ranking number two, I am starting a committee to determine the validity of the two committees and I am the sole member. The committee will act on this now. 
Dwight: OK, this is stupid.
Jim: Could you please keep it down? [interrupted Dwight] I'm in session. I've determined that this committee is valid. [Pam and Karen cheer.]
Dwight: No no, no, wait, wait, wait [raises hand] Permission to join the Validity Committee.
Jim: Permission denied.
Dwight: Damn it!