(Commentary)

Jay: What’s the key to being a great dad? Uh, that’s a tough one.

Cameron: Giving them the freedom to be whatever they wanna be.

Mitchell: Right, exactly, s-

Cameron: Whether that’s a painter, a poet, a pilot, a president-

Mitchell: And for us-

Cameron: -of a company or of a country.

Mitchell: …Patience.

Phil: Well, be their buddy.

Claire: …That’s your answer?

Phil: And stay in school.

Claire: No.

Phil: And don’t do drugs.

Claire: Nooo.

Phil: Just give me the answer!

Claire: Oh god.

Jay: …Still thinking.

 

Scene: Street

(Claire, Phil and Luke are cycling)

Woman: Hi Claire!

Claire: Hey.

Woman: Hey!

Claire: Oh, okay. Hi, um…this is my husband, Phil.

Phil: Hi.

Claire: And, uh, that’s my son, Luke, right there. This is…

Woman: Desiree.

Claire: Desiree. Right, sorry. Desiree just moved in down the block.

Phil: Fun. Where?

Desiree: Three-fourteen.

Phil: Oh, the two bedroom cottage with the indoor outdoor family room.

Desiree: Very good! How did you-

Phil: I bet you’re loving that steam shower.

Claire: Phil, that’s creepy.

Phil: Oh, sorry. I’m a real estate mogul. What? I’m- I am a real estate agent. Um, we caravaned that house. Great, uh, deck.

Desiree: Thanks. I’m just there ’til my divorce is final.

Phil: Now who is coconuts enough to divorce you?

Claire: Oh, we gotta go. But we’ll see you around.

Phil: Well, we’d love to have you over sometime.

Desiree: I’d love it.

Phil: Alright!

Desiree: Bye.

Phil: Bye. (Desiree runs off) She’s awesome.

Claire: No, we are never having her over. Her charity slept with two dads from the school.

Phil: What?

Claire: Mhh hmm.

Phil: That’s… horrible.

Luke: Dad, watch out!

Phil: Woah, watch it buddy!

Luke:. Grandma

Phil: I’m sorry. That still looks like a girl’s bike.

Claire: Well, we’ll add more black tape.

(Commentary)

Phil: My son has been riding his sister’s old bike.

Claire: Until he’s responsible enough to take care of his own bike. Look, he spilled a soda on my computer, he ruined our digital camera taking pictures of himself underwater-

Phil: It’s a girl’s bike. I’m all for teaching him a lesson, but I worry about the ridicule he might get from some… loudmouth bully.

(Cut back to scene)

Jay: (driving past) Heeeey! Nice bike, Sally.

Claire: Dad.

Jay: Come on, he looks like Little Bo Beep on that thing.

Phil: Actually, not for long. He’s getting a new bike this afternoon.

Luke: I am?

Phil: Mhhh.

Claire: He is?

Phil: …

(Commentary)

Phil: Sometimes a man’s gotta put his foot down and do what a man’s gotta do, and if the old lady don’t like it – honey? (silence) – that’s too damn bad.

 

Scene: Pritchett-Tucker household

Mitchell: (to Lily) Yes! Who’s excited, huh? Cam, come on, hurry up – we’re gonna be late.

Cameron: It’s a toddler play class, not a flight to Cabo.

Mitchell: We’re gonna be judged enough as the only gay parents there; I don’t wanna be the late ones too. Wow, paisley and pink. Was there something wrong with the fishnet tank top.

Cameron: Obviously not; I’m wearing it underneath. Kidding. Just chill, please.

Mitchell: I’m sorry; I just wanna make a good first impression.

Cameron: You mean you wanna fit in and not terrify the villagers?

Mitchell: No- hey, come on. Today is about Lily, alright? Her future best friend might be in that class and I don’t wanna… rub anyone the wrong way. Can you please just… change your shirt.

Cameron: Fine. You know what, I’ll just go put on a pair of khakhis, maybe a polo shirt and everybody’ll think we’re a couple of straight golfing buddies who just decided to have a kid together.

 

Scene: Pritchett household

Jay: Hey, I called that place in Napa and got us upgraded to a villa with a hot tub. So pack whatever you wear in a hot tub.

Gloria: I usually wear nothing when I’m in a hot tub.

Jay: And my college roommate’s wife just had to get a new hip. Sucker.

(Commentary)

Gloria: Manny’s father is taking him for a couple of days to Disneyland, so we’re gonna go to the wine country!

Jay: We’re gonna drink some wine, eat some good food… You know, we would do something like this more often if it wasn’t for, you know, Manny.

Gloria: It’s good. He keeps us grounded.

Jay: Yeah… Like fog at an airport.

(Cut back to scene)

Jay: Limo gets here at four. This morning I thought I’d go over to the club and hit a few balls.

Gloria: No. What about the fan in Manny’s room?

Jay: Oh, yeah… Call a guy.

Gloria: Nooo. You’re supposed to do it with him. It’s important that we teach him how to do things for himself. In my culture, men take great pride in doing physical labour.

Jay: I know. That’s why I hire people from your culture.

Gloria: You’re too funny. I’m gonna share that one with my next husband when we’re spending all your money.

 

Scene: Bicycle store

Luke: Dad, this is the coolest bike ever.

Phil: Awesome. So listen, buddy… Certain members of this family don’t think you can take care of this bad boy.

Luke: You mean mom?

Phil: Your words, not mine. Look, uh… your mom and I are a team, and she- we feel like this is a chance for you to show some responsibility. Don’t make us look like jerks here.

Luke: I won’t.

Phil: Okay. One more rule.

Luke: What?

Phil: Have, like, three bike-loads of fun.

Luke: Thanks, dad. (rides off)


Scene: Manny’s room

Jay: So let’s do this.

Manny: Okay, but I need to be done by three. That’s when my dad’s picking me up.

Jay: Hey, if we’re not done by three, I’m gonna tie a noose on this thing.

(Commentary)

Gloria: In Colombia, there’s a saying: if you have two stubborn burros that don’t like each other, you tie them to the same cart. The ceiling fan is the cart.

(Cut back to scene)

Manny: My dad’s taking me on Space Mountain. It’s supposed to be really fast, but he’s not scared of anything. He doesn’t even wear a seatbelt when he drives.

Jay: Wow, how about that.

Manny: He killed a bear once.

Jay: Really? Was the bear sitting in the passenger seat? Read me the instructions.

Manny: Safety tips. Warning: to reduce the risk of electrical shock-

Jay: We can skip that.

Manny: Uh, failure to heed these warnings can lead to serious injury-

Jay: Yeah, you worry too much. Nobody’s gonna get shocked.

Manny: One time, my dad was struck by lightning. That’s why he can drink as much as he wants.

(Commentary)

Jay: Manny thinks his dad is like Superman. The truth? He’s a total flake. In fact, the only way he’s like Superman is that they both landed in this country illegally.

 

Scene: Toddler play class

Mitchell: I can’t believe I’m so nervous.

Cameron: They’re gonna love us. Let’s just be ourselves.

Mitchell: Or a slightly toned-down version of ourselves. I ju- I just don’t want this to become an episode of The Cam Show.

Cameron: Oh my gosh, people love The Cam Show.

Mitchell: Yes, I know.

Cameron: You watch The Cam Show.

Mitchell: I do watch it.

Cameron: It’s appointment(?) of viewing.

Teacher: Hi!

Mitchell: Hi.

Teacher: Are you here for toddler time?

Mitchell: Yes. I’m Mitchell, this is Cameron and this here is Lily.

Teacher: Oh, well, welcome! We’re over here taking turns blowing bubbles.

Cameron: Oh. Well, how nice for… the babies.

Teacher: Mhh hmm. (walks off)

Cameron: This is gonna be really difficult.

 

Scene: Sidewalk

(Phil comes across a bike left unattended)

(Commentary)

Phil: Ten minutes after making a promise to me, he leaves his bike unlocked. All I can hear is Claire’s voice in my head: “He’s not responsible. You never should’ve given him a bike.” I know. I do a pretty good Claire. So I decided to teach him a lesson and let him think his bike was stolen. And I know that sounds kinda rough, but sometimes it’s a dad’s job to be the tough guy.

(Cut back to scene)

Phil: (riding Luke’s bike) Excuse me, thank you. On your left. My left! Your right!

 


Scene: Toddler play class

Teacher: Everyone, we have a new family joining us today.

Mitchell: I’m Mitchell and I am a lawyer.

Cameron: I- I’m Cameron and I’m currently not working… which gives me more time to grill and shoot baskets and-

Mitchell: And this is Lily.

Teacher: Okay, we’re gonna start with the Hello Dance, and then we’re gonna move onto blocks and finger painting, and then we’re gonna do our Family Dance. Alright, who wants to start us off? Dance us in, PJ! (woman gets up and dances with toddler)

Mother: She’s adorable.

Mitchell: Oh, thank you.

Mother: Seven months?

Mitchell: Uh, eight.

Mother: Oh. Is she grabbing or scooting yet?

Mitchell: …Y-yes, absolutely! I mean, she’s not grabbing; she is- she is scootin’.

Teacher: Dance us in, Tyler!

Mother: (to her toddler) Are you ready? Okay, here we go! (gets up, dances with Tyler)

Mitchell: Cam. Lily is not grabbing or scooting yet.

Cameron: Well, she’s not doing it yet, but she will eventually.

Mitchell: No, but all these other kids, theyre… they’re grabbing. I- I just…(picks up block) Here, c- Lily, look at the- look at the block. Huh? Grab the block, Lily. Grab the ‘H’.

Teacher: Dance us in, Lily!

Cameron: Okay, I got this.

Mitchell: Cam…

Cameron: Yes I know. Damp down my natural gifts and dance like a straight guy.

Mitchell: No slapping your own butt.

Cameron: But that’s how I make my horsey go. (gets up; dances slowly with Lily) Thank you.

Mitchell: That was very good.

Cameron: …I feel dirty.

 

Scene: Sidewalk

Phil: Oh, hey!

Desiree: Hey!

Phil: Hey.

Desiree: Hi!

Phil: Hi.

Desiree: Hi, uh, this is really embarrassing, but I locked myself out of my house.

Phil: Oh. Psshhh. I do that all the time; don’t be embarrassed. (starts riding off)

Desiree: I was- I was hoping you could help me. There’s a window open, but I can’t reach it. Would you mind?

Phil: … Yeah! Yeah, sure. Of course. You know what they say: every time God closes a door, He opens a window. Or I guess in this case, every time He- (loses footing on bike; gets off). Okay, let’s see what we got here.

(Commentary)

Phil: I mean, am I attracted to her? Yes. Would I ever act on it? No. No way. Not while my wife is still alive.

(Cut back to scene)

Desiree: (exiting house) Are you sure I can’t get you something to drink?

Phil: Yeah, no, I’m- I’m fine. Really.

Desiree: If I knew a man was gonna climb into my bedroom window, I would’ve cleaned up a bit.

Phil: Are you kidding me? It smelled great in there. Like lotions and oils for… dry skin and, you know, callous hands-

Desiree: Yeah, it’s… a candle.

Phil: Uh oh.

Desiree: What’s wrong?

Phil: My bike’s gone.

Desiree: Oh no. Can I help you find it?

Phil: (sprints off) It’s alright, thank you.

Desiree: Okay. Thank you!

 

Scene: Palms Cycle (bicycle store)

Phil: …So to teach him a lesson, I took his bike, and then crazy thing: I put it down for one minute and someone swiped it from me.

Assistant: Maybe that was your dad teaching you a lesson.

Phil: Ahaha. Zinger. So… any chance I could, uh, get a break on this one?

Assistant: I can throw in a bell-

Phil: Deal!

Assistant: -for five dollars.

Phil: No, sir.

Assistant: So you wanna go for the insurance this time or is it still for suckers?

Phil: Hahaha. Caught me again. Well played, m’ lord. I will take some insurance, thank you.

 

Scene: Pritchett household

Gloria: What’s going on in there?

Manny: That’s not step four.

Jay: Don’t worry about it.

Manny: Well, it says right here that-

Jay: Hush; you’re worrying about it.

Gloria: I thought you guys might need a drink.

Jay: Uh, you have no idea.

Gloria: Manny, mi amor, I have to go get some stuff for our trip. Ayi, but have some fun with your father, okay? I’ll see you Monday. Mwa! It makes me so happy to see my two boys working together.

Manny: Jay shocked himself twice.

Jay: Okay, Manny.

Manny: Well, I warned him.

Jay: Yep, he’s been a big help.

Gloria: Look at you two with your private jokes already. You’re a regular Salazar and El Oso.

(Commentary)

Gloria: It’s a very big comedy to me in Colombia. El Oso is always hit Salazar in the head with the lada and things, and sometimes they wore dresses. They make you laugh, but they also make you think.

 

Scene: Dunphy household

(Phil leaves bicycle at bottom of stairs)

Phil: You blew it. You made me look bad. No, you made your mother and I look bad. We’re a team. (knocks on Luke’s door) Luke, you in there?

Luke: Hey, dad.

Phil: Hey. (enters) Hey, buddy. That was, uh… that was pretty fun today, huh? Getting your new bike?

Luke: Yeah, it was awesome.

Phil: So, uh, what happened after I took off? Anything you wanna… share with me?

Luke: Not really.

Phil: So… if I, uh, went out to the garage to take a picture for a scrapbook, there’d be no surprises?

Luke: …I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean it. I just made a mistake!

Phil: Yeah, a big mistake! You’re making me look really bad here; I told mom you were ready for this.

Luke: It’s just a scratch, dad.

Phil: That’s not the point, Luke- what?

Luke: I scratched it on my way into the driveway. I’m sorry.

Phil: So… it’s not stolen?

Luke: …No. Why?

Phil: That’s good… ’cause… there are bad people out there who would steal a bike. Those are thieves. (walks out) You sit there and think about the scratch part; that’s not good either – gotta fix that step – so don’t scratch anything while I’m gone, unless it itches. That’s different.

(Commentary)

Phil: The good news is Luke has his bike. More good news: I taught some random kid a valuable lesson by stealing his bike. Best news: Claire knows nothing. So, I figure I’ll just dump the new bike where I stole the first bike, that way random kid gets his back and this new bike doesn’t raise a lot of embarrassing questions like why I had it, or who boosted who through the bedroom window. So, everyone’s happy.

(Cut back to scene)

(Phil’s pulling out of the driveway with new bike when he’s stopped by Claire)

Phil: Uh oh.

 

Scene: Manny’s room

Jay: Ah, son of a b- You gave me the wrong screwdriver.

Manny: Maybe you’re just using it wrong. My dad’s great with tools. He can get the wheels off a car in less than a minute.

Jay: Just get me the wine country… just get me the wine country-ooh! (fan blade falls off; hits Manny’s arm)

Manny: Ow!

Jay: Sorry!

Manny: I think my arm is broken!

Jay: Relaaax. It’s not broken.

Manny: How do you know? You don’t know anything! You have no concern for safety!

Jay: Because it didn’t hit you that hard.

Manny: Why don’t you just say it? You don’t want me around.

Jay: You know what? Right now, I don’t.

Manny: I don’t wanna be with you either. I’m gonna go wait for my dad.

Jay: But… but if you leave, how will I ever finish?

Manny: You know what? I wish you’d never married my mom. I hate living here.

Jay: You think I like this arrangement? I got a two-seater parked in the driveway!

 


Scene: Dunphy driveway

Claire: I mean, I don’t understand. Why are you trying to sneak around and hide things from me? I actually think it’s pretty funny.

Phil: …You do?

Claire: I do, yes. I mean, you steal a bike from some poor kid and then the bike gets stolen from you. It’s hilarious.

Phil: Classic me, right?

Claire: Yes! So, where were you when it got stolen?

Phil: Oh, I was getting some gas…

Claire: Uh huh.

Phil: Yeah.

Claire: You don’t stand near the car when you get gas?

Phil: Yep! But, uh, I went inside… to get a soda because I was thirsty; if I had soda I wouldn’t be thirsty anymore, so I… bought one and then I drank it all right there, which is why I don’t have the can.

Claire: Well, honey, please, let’s try to remember that I’m your wife, not your mom. So in the future, you don’t need to hide things from me, okay?

Phil: Okay.

Claire: Okay.

Phil: (sees Desiree arriving; hugs Claire tighter) Oooh. Oh yeah, you get back here.

Claire: What are you doing? (tries to break free)

Phil: Oh, I just love you so darn much.

Claire: I know, I love you too, but that hurts.

Phil: Let’s get you inside.

Desiree: Hi! Hello, hi there!

Phil: Oh, hi!

Desiree: Hi again! I, uh, found your bike. Uh…

Phil: Oh, good. You- the- at the gas station?

Desiree: No, at my house. One of my neighbours saw it and put it in my garage when you were in my bedroom, so…

Phil: Classic me?

 

Scene: Toddlers play class

Mitchell: (to Lily) Come on, honey, grab the block. You see, like he did. You gotta do that.

Cameron: Seen any m-movies lately?

Mother: Uh, yeah! You know, my husband and I just rented, uh, Mamma Mia. Which I liked, but I don’t know that Meryl Streep was the right choice. What did you think?

(Commentary)

Cameron: Excuse me. Meryl Streep could play Batman and be the right choice. She’s perfection. Whether she’s divorcing Kramer, whether she’s wearing Prada… Don’t even get me started on Sophie’s Choice; I get emotional thinking about it. (takes a breath) She couldn’t forgive herself…(gets emotional)

(Cut back to scene)

Cameron: Yeah, she was okay.

Mother: Really? Uh. (shakes her head) Uh, uh, uh.

Mitchell: Grab the block, sweetheart. You’re not even interested in-

Teacher: Is Henry stacking? Good job, Henry! Good job!

Mitchell: (steals  other toddler’s stacked blocks, sings) …P, Q, R, S, T, U, V. W, X, Y and Z. Now I know- (finishes dumping Lily’s block next to other toddler)Wow, Lily! Oh, not so high! Oh!

Teacher: That is a big moment for her! Would you like a video tape?

Mitchell: Uh, you know, I-I don’t- I don’t know if I can actually get her to do it again, so…

Teacher: Well, we tape all of our classes! (points to camera on ceiling) We don’t like pointing cameras at them; it keeps them out of the moment. I’ll get you a copy after class.

Mitchell: That super, yeah. Thank you. (teacher leaves) Cam. Cam, let’s go. I- I dunno what’s happened to me, but I just stole a baby’s intellectual property.

Cameron: What?

Mitchell: You’ll see it tonight on the news. Come, let’s just go.

Teacher: Oooh, look who’s here! Anton and Scott! (two gay men enter)

Scott: Sorry we’re late!

Anton: Don’t look at me. The eye candy cutie can’t leave the house without spending twenty minutes in front of the mirror.

Cameron: …Are you kidding me?

Mitchell: I am so sorry.

Cameron: Look at those queens. I would’ve killed with this crowd, but you had to clip my wings, which you used to be the wind beneath.

Mitchell: I know, I’m so- This class has turned me into a complete monster. I’m ju- I’ll make it up to you. Let’s just go.

Teacher: Okay, it’s time for Parents’ Dance! Everybody dance for you baby!

Mitchell: You wanna do it, don’t you?

Cameron: I do. I wanna dance for my baby.

Mitchell: Alright, go on. Get in there.

Cameron: Sure?

Mitchell: Make that horsey move. Go ahead.

Cameron: (runs off; does horsey move in the circle; runs out) Oh, I think I hurt myself.


Scene: Pritchett household

(Manny is sitting alone in the driveway. Inside, Jay’s ready with his luggage; pours himself whisky. Before drinking it, the phone rings)

Jay: Hello? Hey, Javier. Manny’s waiting for you outside. What? Why not? Hold that thought. (drinks whiskey)

(Commentary)

Jay: His son’s sitting on the curb waiting to go to Disneyland, and Superman can’t drag himself away from a craps table. And I’m the jerk.

(Cut back to scene)

Jay: So listen. I, uh… sorry, but I got some bad news.

Manny: What?

Jay: Your dad couldn’t make it.

Manny: Why not?

Jay: The plane was full and this old lady needed to get home, so he gave up his seat.

Manny: You’re making that up, aren’t you?

Jay: No!

Manny: He just didn’t wanna come.

Jay: Are you kidding me? He was very upset! He was dying to see you. In fact, look what he sent. (limo pulls up)

Manny: A limo?!

Jay: Yeah! He wanted me and your mom to take you to Disneyland.

Manny: I told you he was an awesome dad.

Jay: Yeah, he’s a prince.

(Voiceover)

Jay: Okay, the key to being a good dad… Well, sometimes things work out just the way you want them.

(Cut to Phil and Luke cycling down the street)

Luke: I’ll race you to the end.

Phil: That is not a good idea. For you.

(Voiceover)

Jay: Sometimes they don’t. You gotta hang in there….

(Cut to a frustrated Mitchell and Cameron playing with Lily, who does not want to grab blocks)

Jay: …because when all is said and done…

(Cut to Jay and Gloria in limo with a sleeping Manny)

Jay: …ninety percent of being a dad… is just showing up.

 

Scene: Sidewalk

(Phil returns random kid’s bike where he found it; kid sees him)

Kid: Hey! That’s my bike!

Phil: Oh. I don’t, uh… Well! (runs off; kid and his friend chase after him) I was giving it back!

(Commentary)

Cameron: (crying) She couldn’t forgive herself, and… she had to choose! And I think because now I have- we have- we have L-… we have Lily, it’s so hard to imagine being put in that position. If I had to choose Lily or Mitchell, I mean, I would choose L-… I don’t know! (gets up; walks off) I just, I don’t know! I don’t know! I don’t know!

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