오피스 시즌 3 - 13화 대본

Season 3 - Episode 13
"The Return"
Written by Michael Schur, Lee Eisenberg, and Gene Stupnitsky
Directed by Greg Daniels

 

Dwight: I have left Dunder-Mifflin after many record-breaking years and am officially on the job market. And it's very exciting.

 

Dwight: For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia.

 

Dwight: I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me. 

 

Dwight: How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable. 

 

Dwight: There is nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon. 

 

Dwight: [in Staples uniform] I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search. And uh, it's fine for the time being. Oops. Break's over.

 

Andy: [to Ryan] Big Turkey. [cellphone plays "Rockin' Robin"] 
Jim: Is that you singing?
Andy: All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever.
Jim: Nice job.
Andy: Thank you muchly. [cellphone continues playing]
Jim: You gonna answer it?
Andy: I called it myself. I just thought you'd get a kick out of the new ring.
Jim: Yikes.
Andy: Side note. I'd just like to say I'm thrilled to be working directly beneath you.
Jim: Thank you.
Andy: I feel I have a lot to learn from you, even though you're younger and have less experience. So here's to the future... Andy and the Tuna. [sings] Andy and the tuna...

Jim: I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.

 

Michael: Yes, Dwight Schrute has left this company. More personnel turnover.
Andy: The cost of doing business. 
Michael: Yes, well. It is a big loss. Dwight was the top salesman... 
Andy: Was the top salesman...
Michael: I said 'was'.
Andy: [chuckles] Addition by subtraction.
Michael: What does that even mean? That is impossible.
Andy: Mmmm. Yeah you're right.
Michael: But, there is some good news. Oscar is back. Addition by addition. So we are going to have a big party today to welcome him back and hopefully that will lift everybody's spirits.

 

Oscar: Hey, everyone.
Kevin: Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation?
Oscar: Oh, that's very funny.
Kevin: Yeah? I thought of it like, two seconds after you left.
Oscar: [sits at his desk] Hi, Angela.
Angela: Oscar. 

 

Andy: Hey, boss. 
Michael: Hey, what's up.
Andy: Noooothin'. Ehrrrrrrrrr. Heh. Man. TGI-Wednesday. Am I right?
Michael: Yep.
Andy: Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my "Lost" on. What are you doing later, wanna hang out?
Michael: I don't know. Maybe.
Andy: Well, I will take that as a maybe. [Michael gets up] Where are you going?
Michael: Bathroom. 
Andy: Oh, well, I'm going to the kitchen, I'll walk with you.

 

Andy: [lurking by the bathroom door] Yeah, things are going pretty good. Gettin' a lot of face time with the boss. 

 

Angela: Oscar? I have a question. Would you like to join the party planning committee?
Oscar: The one of all women?
Angela: Yeah.
Oscar: Because I'm gay?
Angela: No. No. Certain events have transpired. And I've thought about certain things. And I'm sorry for the way those certain events transpired. [starts to cry] And I would just like to make some changes about certain things and certain situations.
Oscar: OK, OK, OK, all right, all right. I'll join. I'd love to. That's -- thank you.
Angela: Thank you. [sniffles]
Kevin: Can I join too?
Angela: Never. 

 

Staples Guy: You sell those two printers this morning? Nice work.
Dwight: [scoffs] Child's play. Give me something hard to sell.

 

Michael: Wow. [walks over to the plant] What is wrong with this thing? It looks terrible.
Pam: Do you want me to ask the cleaning crew if they stopped watering it?
Michael: Yeah. And you know what? Ask them about the toys on my desk too. They always used to arrange them in a very pleasing way. It used to brighten my morning.
Pam: Oh, that wasn't the night crew. That was Dwight.
Michael: Really? That was very nice of him. We need more attitude like that around the office. 
Andy: Feel ya, dawg.
Michael: Yeah, do you?
Andy: Absolutely. 
Michael: What did I say?
Andy: You said... [makes gibberish noises]
Michael: Huh. 
Andy: Which is like, "Right on." And Pam was like "blah blah blah" and you were like "Yeah, psht." Nailed it. 
Michael: Oh, no.
Andy: Oh, no. 

 

Michael: Love that Andy, right? Solid fellow. Seems smart enough. Likes me a lot. A lot. Too much. Like a crazy person. A little. Not super crazy... just... there's something about him that creeps me out. I can't really explain it. He's always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for "being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me." I don't understand how someone could have so little self-awareness.

 

Oscar: I really have no preference. We don't even have to have a party.
Michael: No, hey, hey. Don't be ridiculous. Of course we are going to have a party. A celebration of Oscar. Oscar night. And I want it to be Oscar-specific. 
Oscar: Michael --
Michael: No, no, no. I mean, not because you're gay. Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity. So Phyllis... I want you to go find firecrackers. And a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga.
Oscar: Why don't you have me riding in on a donkey into the office like Pepe.
Michael: Ah, a burro, of course. If Oscar wants a donkey, let's get him one. 

 

Dwight: Need any help?
Lady: Oh, no, thank you. I'm just looking.
Dwight: Great. I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all.
Lady: Okay. [moves away]

 

Andy: I think I could go for some tuna fish right about now. Oh, oh, got my rod here. [fake casts off] Whizzzzz. [catches Jim] Click, click, click, click, click, click, click. [Jim gets up] Cli -- ah! I got one! I got one! Ahhhh!

 

Jim: Hey.
Karen: Hey.
Jim: So Andy is in rare form today. 
Karen: Yeah, you should not encourage him.
Jim: Encourage him? I'm the victim, okay? He's fishing for me. We've got to do something.
Karen: Look, I've got like fifteen new clients I inherited from Dwight and each file is password protected with a different mythical creature. So, I'm sorry. I can't.
Jim: Fine. Party pooper.

 

Michael: Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep. 

 

Andy: 185 pounder. Check it out. Whew! ["displays" Jim who looks thoroughly annoyed]

 

Jim: Hey, Ryan? 
Ryan: What?
Jim: You wanna pull a prank on Andy?
Ryan: Not right now, but ask me again ten years ago.
Jim: I liked you better when you were the temp.
Ryan: Yeah, me too. 

 

Michael: Hey guys. How's the workload on all of Dwight's old accounts? Handling it okay?
Phyllis: Sort of. He had a lot of clients.
Michael: Yes, he did. Have any of you talked to Dwight? 
Stanley: Oh, sure, we talk all the time.
Michael: Really?
Stanley: No.
Michael: Don't - don't do that. That's not nice. What about you, Phyllis? You and Dwight were close.
Phyllis: No. Sorry.

 

Phyllis: Dwight has a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together it can be explosive.

 

Paris: Really comin' down out there. Commute's gonna be hell.
Dwight: I have snow tires and chains. Plus exceptional hand-eye coordination.
Paris: So um, where were you workin' before this?
Dwight: Dunder-Mifflin.
Paris: What kind of company is that?
Dwight: [scoffs] Paper company. They're only one of Staples' top competitors in the area.
Paris: I never heard of 'em.
Dwight: Whoa. Really? Have you heard of paper?
Paris: You gonna be like that, huh?

 

Paris: I don't like him, his giant head, or his beady little eyes. That's all I got to say on the matter. 

 

Andy: [singing] In your he-ead, in your he-eyd-ed. Zombie. Zombie. Zombie. Ey, ey, ey, ey. In your he-eyd-ed.
Jim: Would you like to pull a prank on Andy?
Pam: Oh, I'm kind of in the middle of -- yes please.
Jim: Okay, good. Stay right here. 
Andy: [after Jim knocks over his pencils] Oh. Good move, Tuna. Nice one.
Jim: [hands Pam Andy's phone] Are there any messages?
Pam: Nope.
Jim: So weird.
Pam: [takes the phone] Hmm.

 

Michael: Nice to have Oscar back.
Angela: Yeah.

 

Andy: Large Tuna. Have you seen my cell phone device?
Jim: No.
Andy: Cause someone is calling right now. There is a call. 

 

Pam: Angela?
Angela: Oh. [hands Pam tape]
Pam: Is everything okay?
Angela: No.

 

Andy: What's going on?
Jim: What are you talking about?
Andy: Where is my FREAKING phone?!
Jim: You know what? Maybe it's in the ceiling.
Andy: Maybe you're in the ceiling!
Jim: Okay.
Andy: [trying to look in Phyllis's desk, she slams the drawer shut] I don't trust you, Phyllis!

 

Angela: I wanted to let you know that Dwight was late that morning because he was driving to New York to drop off the correlated documents that I forgot to send. Though to be fair, Kevin never reminded me.
Michael: Why would Dwight do that for you? I think I know why. Because Dwight loves this company.
Angela: Yes.
Michael: Do you think that anyone else out there would have driven to corporate for you?
Angela: None of them. Especially not Andy.

 

Michael: Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly.
Andy: Wait up. Where are you going? Do you want me to come with?
Michael: Um.
Andy: Just listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bars, beers, buzzed. Wings. Shots. Drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football - Cornell/Hofstra. Slaughter. Then a quick nap at my place and we'll hit the tiz-own.
Michael: No. I don't want to do any of that.
Andy: Duh. Which is why I was just joking about doing that. 
Michael: No, just stop. Stop. Stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy.
Andy: Fine. I'll just sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. [Andy's phone rings] 

Excuse me. And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them. Here's a little newsflash! It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freakin' unfunny! Oh, my GOD. [punches a hole in the wall] That... was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?
Pam: Yeah.
Andy: Sure? Okay. 

 

Dwight: [to customer] Well, that question is meaningless. Just go with the copy paper. It's your funeral. See how that works out for you.
Michael: Hey. 
Dwight: Hey.
Michael: What's up?
Dwight: Same old. 
Michael: Um. It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man. Angela from accounting told me what you did. 
Dwight: Oh my God, she told you?
Michael: Yes, she did. And Dwight, if you were willing to do something like that for some random co-worker, then clearly I have misjudged you from the beginning, and I apologize.
Dwight: Accepted.
Michael: How's this place treating you?
Dwight: [scoffs] The boss isn't funny. 
Michael: Oh, well.
Dwight: I don't get to wear my ties. 
Michael: I'm sure.
Dwight: So.
Michael: So, maybe you should come back. You should come back. Please. 
Dwight: I don't want to do your laundry anymore. 
Michael: We can talk about that.

 

Jim: [inspecting the hole in the wall] Oh my God, that's half-inch drywall.
Pam: I think we broke his brain. [they both snicker]
Jim: [imitating Andy] "It's not freakin' funny!"

 

Angela: Are you enjoying your fiesta?
Oscar: Actually, yeah. I didn't think I would, but turns out -- [Angela walks away] it's great.
Michael: Ladies and gentlemen! May I present... Mr. Dwight Schrute!
Everybody: Yay. [scattered appalause]

Angela: Welcome back.
Dwight: Thank you.
Michael: Okay, Dwight, you can let go of her hand. You're gonna break it. [looks around the room] Not bad, huh?
Dwight: You did this for me? [camera pans to "Welcome Back Oscar" sign]
Michael: Guilty.

 

Jim: Hey.
Karen: [sighs] Do you still have feelings for her?
Jim: [long pause and then he sighs and nods] Yes. 

 

Michael: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the big finale! Sir, would you do the honor? [hands broom to Dwight, though Oscar thinks he's handing it to him]
Dwight: Oh, man. [Kevin starts to put a blindfold on] No, no, no. I don't need it. Get out! [beats up pinata]

 

Michael: It takes a big man to admit his mistake and that's what I did. The important thing is I learned something. I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I'm going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me. Hmm.